Page 17 of Dreams of Falling
“I’m really too worried about Mama to eat. Maybe later if I get hungry.” I turned back to Bitty. “Who is Ellis?”
Again, no one spoke. Finally, Bitty said, “Where did you hear that name?”
“I didn’t—I saw it. It was on a ribbon—the one I remembered Mama putting in the Tree of Dreams a long time ago. When I was just a little girl. I took it out to see what it was. I’d forgotten all about it until yesterday. When we... when we found her.” I didn’t tell them what else was on the ribbon. I’d already shared enough of a secret that wasn’t mine to share.
“Ellis Alton was your mama’s first husband.” Bitty said it quietly, as if she didn’t really want me to hear.
Daddy was still looking down at his plate. All I could hear was the ticking of the clock in the hall and the rush of blood in my ears. I tried to put into a single sentence all the words that swirled around my head, but they formed a logjam in my throat, and I couldn’t speak.
“She was only seventeen,” Bitty continued. “And Ellis was nineteen. He was the love of her life.”
Daddy took a sharp intake of breath, but Bitty didn’t look ashamed for having said it. I was glad he was having trouble with this conversation. So was I. “What happened?”
“He was drafted.” That was Ceecee, her back to us as she arranged brownies on a plate. “It was 1969. The war in Vietnam... He never thought twice about doing his duty. He went proudly and willingly, and it broke Ivy’s heart.”
“How long were they married?” My voice was reed thin, like I couldn’t find enough air to push out the words.
“Not long.” Ceecee put the plate of brownies in the middle of the table. I could smell the chocolate. I remembered what they tasted like, how good they’d made me feel. At least for as long as it took to swallow, and then I’d feel empty again.
“He went MIA only four months after being deployed.” Ceecee sat down and reached for a brownie. “It broke Ivy. Cut her in two. Sometimes I think it would have been easier on her if he’d been killed outright. I think it was the not knowing that got to her. Nowadays I would have taken her for counseling, but back in the day, that wasn’t something people did. We just sort of said, buck up and suck it in. But that doesn’t work when your heart is crushed and you’re bleeding from the inside.”
“Larkin...” Daddy reached his hand toward me, but I didn’t take it. I couldn’t. And we both knew why.
I folded my arms across my chest and forced myself to look into my father’s face. “Why have I never heard about this?”
Ceecee took her time cutting a brownie into small bites. “Your grandfather and I decided it would be easier to forget if we never talked about him. To let Ivy heal. She’d already had enough sadness in her life.”
“You mean because her mother died when Mama was so young?”
Bitty and Ceecee rose at the same time, bringing plates and food back to the kitchen.
“Yes,” Bitty said, pausing in the doorway and staring down at the bowl of potato salad as if wondering why it was in her hands. “It was probably the worst thing we could have done, but, like Ceecee said, there wasn’t a lot of discussion back then about mental health. So we just swept it all under the rug and pretended we couldn’t see the lump.”
“Until someone tripped on it.” Daddy stood and picked up his plate. Something in his voice made me look at him, really see him for the first time in years. It could have been the overhead lighting or the lack of sleep since Mama’s accident, but he seemed haggard, his skin blanched and without elasticity.
I followed him into the kitchen. “Did you know? When you married her?”
He nodded slowly. “Ceecee told me. Your mama and I never really talked about it. Not until the Vietnam War Memorial was completed. It was 1982—I remember because she was pregnant with you. On thenews, they were showing all the names inscribed on the wall, and she...” He stopped.
“She what?” I demanded.
“She told me that she’d never love anyone like she’d loved Ellis Alton.”
His eyes were bleak as I held my breath, waiting for him to say more.
Ceecee came and took the plate from his hands. “It’s still no excuse for what you did, Mack.” She walked into the kitchen, leaving my father and me alone, his eyes on my face.
“I never thought my actions would cause you to leave. I’m so sorry.”
I closed my eyes briefly. “It’s not what made me leave, Daddy. But it’s one of the things that made it easy to stay away.” I stood suddenly. “I need some air,” I said. “This is all really whacked, you know. Families shouldn’t keep these things secret. Despite popular opinion, it willnotmake the problem go away.”
I almost ran to the back door before throwing it open to stand on the porch, my hands on my hips as I sucked in deep breaths of warm river-scented air.
Someone touched my arm, and I knew it was Bitty. She’d always been the peacemaker, the person who could bridge Ceecee’s black-and-white world with my own messy one. “Do you need some company?”
“No. I really need to be alone right now.”
“I get it.” I heard her fumbling with something. I turned, and saw her pulling out a cigarette and lighter.
