Page 113 of Dreams of Falling
He shrugged, wincing a little bit at the movement and reminding me of what he’d done for me. “It’s amazing what years of practice can do.” His face sobered. “We’re not all born knowing everything. Most of us have to grow into who we’re meant to be.”
My mouth twisted in a tight smile. “Mabry said pretty much the same thing.”
“Yeah, well, we are twins.”
“Thank you,” I said, “for sharing your incredible wisdom. And for defending my honor tonight.” He was very close to me on the sofa, close enough that I could see the dark irises in the middles of his eyes. All I wanted to do was lean into him.
The clock struck again, and I looked at my watch. Two o’clock. “Do you happen to know if Mabry’s on the night shift tonight?”
Bennett nodded. “She is—Ellis is staying with my parents because both Mabry and Jonathan are at the hospital until seven.”
I stood. “Good. Because I’ll need someone to sneak me into my mother’s room. The night nurse is a real stickler for quiet hours. But I need to talk to Mama, and I don’t feel like I can wait.”
“I’ll take you,” he said, standing.
“No, I’ll be all right. But thank you.” My eyes drifted down to his cut and bruised lips, and I felt oddly happy that they weren’t completely kissable. Because if they had been, I might not have been able to leave. “I’ll be back early—tell Ceecee and Bitty to wait until I’m back to open the letter. And to have the coffee on.”
“Will do.” He walked me to the back door and pulled it open, watching me head down the back steps. “Larkin?”
I paused and looked at him. “Yes?”
“I meant what I said earlier. About the talent show.”
Not able to articulate any other word, I said simply, “Oh,” then kept walking to the car, mentally beating myself up for my perpetual inability to recognize the truth of things.
•••
Ivy
2010
I know it’s nighttime because the sky through the blinds is dark, and the lights in my room have been dimmed. They’re supposed to do that so that my body still understands night and day. Not that it matters. Tonight the ceiling is pulsing with bright white light, like it can’t hold it all in. I see it seep through the cracks like the laser show on Stone Mountain Mack took me to on our honeymoon in Atlanta. Back when I thought we could be happy.
I keep seeing the flash of a yellow dress, and I know Mama is waiting for me just beyond the ceiling. I just can’t see her yet. And theMustang is back, the engine idling, Ellis sitting on the side of my bed, smiling his secret smile.
Larkin’s here, even though it’s too late—or too early, depending on how you look at it. Mabry let her in. And the second Larkin entered the room, it was like somebody hit the floodlights, and I felt myself lift higher off the bed.
She doesn’t speak for a long time, and it’s nice just to have her there. I feel her warmth and her love, and that’s enough for me. There’s so much I want to tell her, but I’m beginning to think she’s smart enough to figure it all out on her own. Just having that thought brightens the room a notch, the sound of the idling engine getting louder, too.
“We found the letter, Mama. The one hidden in Granddaddy’s desk. I found the pictures you wanted to send me, too. The one of us making faces—I love it. I think I’ll get it framed and put it on my desk. I hope you don’t mind. A lot of women only want the prettiest pictures of themselves on display, but I think you and I are different. We want the pictures that show the real us. So thanks for that.”
I lift up higher, closer to the ceiling now, and I don’t know if it’s my imagination, but the cracks along the edges appear to be getting wider.
“Ever since I’ve come home, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life. I’ve had to pay attention for the first time. It took me twenty-seven years, but some of us are slow learners, I guess.” Her lips twitch into a half smile.
She sits up and takes my hand, and I wish so badly that I could feel it, but all I can do is look at this beautiful creature who’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
“I figured something out recently. You framed my SAT and ACT scores, remember? I’d shoved them in a drawer, but you must have pulled them out. They weren’t great scores, were they? But that’s not the point you were trying to make. It’s not about how well I did. It’s about how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go. It’s about being okay with not being the best, because there are a million and one things out there to try until I do find the thing that I’m good at andthat makes me happy. We just need people in our lives who let us be brave enough to try. And I’ve always had them in spades.”
Lights shoot across the room. Ellis is watching Larkin and smiling.
“So, about the letter. We haven’t opened it yet. Ceecee and Bitty wanted to wait until morning, when we’ll have clearer heads, and I agreed. I know that they’re afraid of something, maybe something that’s in the letter that they don’t want anyone to know. I’m not even sure I’m ready to hear the truth, because I’m afraid I won’t want to. Gabriel told me about the little additions you put into the mural in his shop, and I’m scared to death of what they might mean.”
She smooths her hand over my fingers, straightening them. She always likes for things to be just so. She was probably the only five-year-old who lined up her Barbies’ shoes by color and style. I think that was Ceecee’s doing, not mine.
“But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Whatever is in the letter won’t destroy me. I’m stronger than that. You and Ceecee and Bitty made me that way. You made me brave, and fearless, and I’ll just keep telling myself that in case I forget. So, don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.”
She smiles, and I know she’s thinking about Bennett, and my heart feels like it’s going to burst. Ellis smiles at me and reaches for my hand. I don’t take it right away because I know I can’t move. But he’s not looking down at the bed but up at the ceiling, where I am seeing the room from above again, and when I reach for his hand, I feel his fingers between mine.
