Page 90 of Dreams of Falling
“Bitty said you were very brave.”
Ceecee shook her head, reluctantly meeting his eyes. “The baby came so fast that we didn’t have time to think about it. Besides, we’ve both seenGone with the Wind,so we knew what to do.”
His mouth quirked, making her pulse quicken no matter how much she told it not to. “Bitty said you did all the work, and she just did what you told her to. I’m proud of you.”
She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t his to be proud of, but she didn’t. It felt too good to be the object of his pride and attention, no matter how wrong she knew it to be. “How’s Margaret?”
His expression sobered. “She doesn’t want to go to the hospital. I’ve examined her and I agree, so she’ll stay here at Carrowmore. I’ve just brought her upstairs to her bed. Bitty and your mother are dressing her in a fresh nightgown. I’ve asked the cook to bring her something to eat.”
Boyd approached and knelt next to the chair, placing his large hand over Ivy’s mostly bald head, a patch of strawberry blond hair sprouting in small swirls at the top. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“She is. But not very patient.” Ceecee tried to smile but found she couldn’t. It had been a while since she’d offered a real smile, as if the weight of her sorrow tugged too hard on the sides of her mouth.
Boyd used his thumb to gently brush Ivy’s peach fuzz. They watched as Ivy’s eyes drifted closed, the nipple slipping from her lips. “I was hoping she’d have Reggie’s red hair. He always hated it, but every generation in our family has always had at least one redhead.” He took the bottle as Ceecee shifted the baby to her shoulder and began to pat the tiny back.
“So, what do we do now, Sessalee?”
She made the mistake of meeting his gaze, remembering how much she loved him, no matter how hard she’d tried to stop. But she couldn’t forget the platinum band on Margaret’s left hand, or the baby in her arms. Or the vows and promises she and others had made that she would not break.
She closed her eyes, gently rocking the baby, the motion keeping her calm. “I go home to my parents’ house and assist my father in his parish, arrange for all the flowers at weddings and funerals. I’m quite good at it, you know. I will teach Ivy to call me Aunt Ceecee because that’s what I will be to her even though I will always love her like a daughter. And you will remain at Carrowmore with your wife and child and become a respectable doctor just like you planned.”
“This isn’t what I planned, Sessalee.” His voice sounded broken,and she had to keep her eyes closed so she couldn’t see him and want to go to him.
“It’s not what I planned, either. But it is what it is, Boyd. There’s no changing any of it. And the sooner we both realize that, the sooner we can both find new happiness.”
“Run away with me,” he said impulsively. “You, me, and the baby. We can start a new life somewhere. A place where no one knows us. I can always find work. And you know that Margaret would be happier, too. She would thrive, playing the wronged and deserted wife.”
Ceecee felt sick. If only she could pretend that she hadn’t thought the same thing; if only she knew that they wouldn’t be tormented for the rest of their lives by what they’d done. “You know we can’t,” she said. “We both know you could never do such a thing.”
She’d stopped rocking, and the baby began to squirm. Standing, she began pacing, patting the baby’s back until she settled again.
“I love you, Sessalee. I don’t expect I’ll ever quit.”
Ceecee stood still at the window overlooking the rear yard and the river, the Tree of Dreams a solid frame to the left side of the view. She recalled the ribbons that had been placed in the tree, dreams and wishes made with innocence and naïveté, or careless vanity and false bravado.I will love Sessalee Purnell until I die, and will hope every day that we will find a way to spend our lives together.
Gooseflesh pricked her spine, as if an unseen breath had been blown against the back of her neck.
Without turning around, she said, “Don’t ever say that again, Boyd. Not ever. For Ivy’s sake, if nothing else. Wishes and dreams aren’t real, no matter how much we’d like them to be. I made the mistake of once believing they were. I won’t make that mistake again.”
He moved to stand behind her, his hands on her shoulders, and she felt his lips on the top of her head. “Just tell me one more time that you love me, and it will be enough for the rest of my life. I’ll be able to face it if I only know you love me.”
A strong breeze pushed at the martin houses strung from the old oak tree below. Watching them, Ceecee remembered the story Margaret had told her long ago, about how the small birds relied on othersto make their homes for them. It made sense to her now, knowing that so much of life was reliant on things outside of oneself, how the whims of others dictated people’s hearts and lives. How dreams and wishes were just so much dust when held against the will of another human being.
Ivy whimpered, and Ceecee realized she’d been holding her too tightly, using the small body to anchor her where she stood. Ceecee cupped her hand around the tiny head, transferring all the love she possessed with a promise to protect her always and forgetting, for a brief moment, that promises weren’t meant to last.
Looking out the window, she said, “I don’t love you, Boyd. You are my friend’s husband, and the father of a baby I will always love as if she were my own. But I don’t love you.” She’d said it twice, as if that might somehow give credence to the lie.
A cough came from the doorway. Boyd’s hands dropped from her shoulders as she turned and saw Bitty. From her expression, Ceecee knew that she’d heard most if not all of her conversation with Boyd. “If the baby’s finished eating, your mama thinks Margaret should spend some time holding her.”
She looked at Bitty with alarm. “But she’s settled now, and sleeping.”
“I know,” Bitty said gently. “But she’s Margaret’s baby. They’ll need to get to know each other.”
Her body felt empty and cold as Bitty lifted the baby from her arms, and she shivered. Bitty turned to Boyd, her face expressionless. “Mrs. Purnell also suggested you go visit with mother and baby. For the same reason.”
Boyd gave her one last glance as he followed Bitty and Ivy from the room, leaving Ceecee as desolate as a debris-strewn beach following a hurricane.
thirty
