Page 140 of The Last Night in London
“No. I need to ask you something.”
“All right.”
“Remember before, in London, when we were looking at Precious’s photos and you made me drink Scotch...?”
“I didn’t make you, Maddie. You drank of your own free will, as I recall.”
“Yes, well, that night you told me something, and I just need to verify that I heard you correctly before I make any more decisions.”
He was completely silent, and I was glad I couldn’t see his expression. “Go on.”
I swallowed, trying not to shiver. “Did you mean it when yousaid that I should allow those who love me to decide what they can and cannot endure?”
“Yes. I did.”
“But how much can you endure?”
“All of it, Maddie. All of whatever life has in store. I’m not saying this blindly. I’ve been talking with a doctor friend of mine. I know that you have an eighty-seven percent risk of developing breast cancer in your lifetime. It took me five seconds to realize that it didn’t matter to me. As long as we’re together, we can face anything.”
I took a deep breath, feeling overheated despite the chilly room. “Don’t speak so quickly. There’s more.” I took a deep breath. “I had both breasts removed when I was eighteen. Aunt Cassie shares the gene, too, so we had our surgeries at the same time. None of my siblings have it—just me. I’ve had reconstructive surgery, but if you look closely, you can still see scars under my breasts. It’s ironic, actually. The genetic testing is why Knoxie decided to do our ancestry chart. That’s how we found Precious.”
He sat up and moved nearer to the side of the bed, either to run or to get closer. Either way, it scared me. I hated uncertainty. That was why I always made a habit of ignoring it.
I felt his eyes on me in the dark as he spoke. “I also learned that removing the breasts decreases your chances but doesn’t eliminate your risk entirely. That didn’t change my mind, either.”
I leaned toward him, his words damaging my resolve. I stepped back, took another deep breath, wanting to get this over with so I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore what Colin would do. I already had a bad track record of coming clean. “Because of the genetic mutations, I’m also at high risk for ovarian cancer. My doctor makes me have blood tests regularly. My last test showed slightly elevated inflammatory markers. She wants to test me again. If those tests also show elevated markers, she’ll order scans and look for signs of a tumor. My appointment is next week. If the test results aren’t good, she’ll recommend having my ovaries removed.”
I swallowed, then pressed on. “I could never have children.” I paused, letting my words sink in. “It’s why my fiancé broke ourengagement. Not just because he wanted children, but because he’d seen me go through my mother’s illness and didn’t think he was strong enough to see it happen to me. Because no matter what parts I get removed from my body, no surgery makes me cancer-proof.”
I held my breath, waiting for him to speak.
“There are so many ways to bring children into a family, Maddie. Whether they’re biological children or not, don’t you think we’d love them just as much? And it’s not your breasts I’m in love with. If you’re trying to scare me off with any of that, it’s not working.”
“You’re saying that now. But you might think differently in five years. Or less. You could change your mind about what you’re willing to endure.”
He calmly drew in a breath. Exhaled. “I could. But I won’t. It’s not who I am. I respect that your lifelong beliefs aren’t going to change overnight, and that I can’t win your trust with just a few words. But I love you, and I’m willing to be on this journey with you now whether you believe me or not. I will simply be content to have you in my life and to hope that in time you will accept that I have no intention of ever leaving you, no matter what happens.”
I swallowed back the lump that had suddenly appeared in my throat. He was right. I wasn’t ready. But I wanted to rewrite the end of my story, and Colin was offering to help me find the courage to try. I moved closer to the bed, feeling as if unseen hands were pushing me. “It could take a long time for me to believe you, you know.”
“I expect it will.”
“What if I get sick?”
“What if you don’t? What if I do? We don’t know what our future holds. The only thing I do know is that I would never leave your side. Nor would your family. Or mine. We would endure together. And whether we have a short time or a long time, I wouldn’t waste a single minute.”
He stood, pulled me against him. His chest was bare, and when I placed my hands on his skin, I felt the gooseflesh ripple under my fingers.
“Maddie?”
I looked up at him in the pale blue light. “Yes?”
“It’s snowing.”
I followed his gaze out the window. Fat white flakes tumbled past the glass, almost too thick to see the dark sky beyond. I sighed. “Snow in Walton. I guess miracles do happen.”
Colin turned my face to his. “Yes, Maddie. I suppose they do.” He kissed me, his lips warm and serious, as if sealing a promise. I kissed him back, propelling us toward the bed, managing to undo drawstring ties and unburden ourselves of clothing.
I tugged my sweatshirt over my head so that we were skin to skin as we fell together on the rumpled sheets, still warm from his body. His fingers rested on the gold heart charm that I hadn’t removed since the day of my high school graduation.
