Page 52 of Waiting For Ever
I love her. How can I hate myself and love her?
Chapter 34
Everly
Iset my alarm for six a.m. hoping Julian and I could work out before the day gets busy. As usual, Julian is already awake. I think so anyway, because I fell asleep before he came to bed. I didn’t hear him come in, but the other side of my bed shows evidence of him sleeping there. As soon as I open the door to the hallway though, I smell the coffee. It’s not lost on me that we have a routine now. It makes me grin and puts flutters in my stomach. I’ve always teased Via that she and Ryan are like an old married couple, but Julian and I seem to be doing our best imitation of one. My cheeks ache with the effortless grin.
Before I step into the kitchen, I swipe the smile from my face. Just as I’m about to greet Julian with something familiar and likely inappropriate, he begins talking like he’s in the middle of a conversation. He looks up from his laptop screen when he sees me, holds up his hand with one finger in the air as if to say,just a sec.
I pad over to the coffee pot and fill the mug he set out for me. My smile creeps back into place with the gesture. I wander to the windows and gaze out, conscious to stay out of the Zoom camera fieldof vision. He has earbuds in, so I can’t hear the other half of the conversation, but from Julian’s side I think it must be Allie. Whoever it is, they’re talking fitness, content and social platforms. The thought of social media puts a pit in my stomach. I haven’t even missed it since I came here. But it lost its allure way before that, when Kendall’s posse decided to post slander and death threats about me. Of course, Kendall would “never condone that kind of hate.” She never had to. She had loyal minions for that. I never put much effort into having a social presence in the first place, but I got popular quick when they decided to spotlight me with their venom and lies. It didn’t take me long to shut down my accounts. Good riddance. Social media always came off a little fake and desperate to me. Like a drug for attention seekers.
Julian and I haven’t discussed it in any depth, but he admitted he didn’t do social media either except the few things he posted on the Fit website for members and potential members. It was such a relief to hear that I wouldn’t have to explain why I didn’t want my picture posted or why I didn’t want to be tagged in places and activities. Not that I could be anymore without active accounts. And Lilly got it too. She has a loyalty streak a mile wide, so once she knew why, it was never an issue. I stumbled into this alternate universe where these few people I’ve come to adore don’t give a shit about the social status of highlight reels and documenting every aspect of their lives. I thank the gods, the universe, the magic of Blue Lake and of course my unintentional fairy godmother, Allie, for the gift of this new life.
Like I told Julian last night, I could thank the shit show I went through in Oak Valley because it brought me here. I hug myself, the warmth of the mug heating my bicep. If I stay in the bubble of Blue Lake,I can breathe. I can relax, be myself. Except that Chase found his way into my bubble. Would he tell Kendall? Any one of them could and likely would. And what about Via and Ryan’s engagement? There’ll be festivities. They’re all still friends, though I wonder why. Maybe because we can’t prove Kendall was behind the social takedown. And maybe she wasn’t. She just had enough loyal sheep to do it for her whether she asked point-blank or not. Maniacal, mean sheep, but sheep nonetheless.
I need to call Via and find out what they’re planning for the engagement.
Lost in my thoughts, I don’t hear Julian end his Zoom call or walk up behind me. When his hands skim down my arms, I instinctively lean back into his chest and rest the back of my neck on his shoulder.
His lips find the side of my neck. His breath just behind my ear makes the hair on my arms prickle. This beautiful, beautiful man makes my whole body exhale and sing all at once.
“Hi, sweet girl. Sleep well?”
Setting my coffee on the window ledge, I turn in his arms. “Hi, Julie. Like a rock. You?” I wrap my arms around the middle of his back and press a kiss to his neck.
“M-hm.” He mumbles his agreement and steps back before I continue my intended attack on his neck.
I assume his distracted retreat is about the call he just had. “What was all that about?” I toss my head toward his laptop.
“Hmph,” he chuckles, shaking his head a little. “Allie . . .”
“And . . .”
“C’mere.” He pulls me toward the bar and sits, pulling me to half sit half lean on his thigh. He opens the laptop and starts showing me websites and videos. First ours at Fit, then someone’s named Luke Ashley. Then he pulls up YouTube and shows me a video of him just like the one on the Fit website, but it has millions of views and comments. Surprising but not. He looks like a Greek god.
Pride swells in my chest. A twinge of jealousy does too. And it grows the more he talks. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m not sure if I do now. I just know I like having Julian all to myself. Without the complications of life and people outside of Blue Lake. I also know that isn’t sustainable or realistic. Any real relationship has to survive in the real world. And I’m not sure Blue Lake qualifies. Real world adjacent maybe, but a little more isolated, a little slower, a lot more peaceful. It’s looking like I’m about to find out if our . . . whatever this is . . . would sink or swim.
Julian says he’s flying to Southern California to meet up with Allie and Ashley. Ashley claims he can take Julian to the “next level.” He’d become his own business. People would subscribe to his fitness videos. Ashley already established himself in that space and plans to get Julian and Allie there too. I had no idea that any of that was on Allie’s or Julian’s radar, especially Julian’s. And maybe it wasn’t initially. Maybe Ashley planted that seed. He’s stunning to look at. So is Julian. What do I really know about Julian other than our simple little life and routine we created here?
Julian and Allie have apparently been in talks since just before I arrived to transition him into her partner at both Blue Fit and Brew. He obtained his degree in business online and secured his personal training credentials over the three years he’s lived here. I can tell he’s downplaying his excitement as he explains the concept Ashley’s proposing.
I want to be proud of him. Iamproud of him.
He grins like a kid as he rubs his hand up and down my thigh and leans in to kiss me on the lips. But his grin doesn’t reach all the way to his eyes. His words don’t match the deep blue pools. He looks sad or tired, despite his exciting news.
It reminds me of the look my mom gets sometimes. I want to ask him about it, but I’m not sure I want to hear his answers. Would he give me any if I did ask? I want him to ask me to fly down south with him. But Allie doesn’t even know we are . . . whatever we are. The thought of explaining me and Julian to people makes my heart thud double time against my ribs.
My face must reveal my inner turmoil because he taps his index finger softly on my forehead and slides it down my nose before he asks, “What’s going on in there?”
I go for directness and say, “I guess I’m feeling a little Cinderella-esque. Like the clock is about to strike midnight and everything is about to change.”
“Hmmm,” he murmurs, watching me. His chuckle is low and slow, but his eyes are sad. His finger trails the side of my face and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Ever, I know we haven’t really ‘gone there’ about us. This.” He wags his finger back and forth between us. “But nothing is going to change us, what we have. Not anyone from your hometown. Not any fitness guru from Southern California. Not Allie.” He pauses, leaving his past hanging in the unspoken. “Unless . . . unless you want it to. If you don’t want . . .” He trails off, dropping his hand into his lap and lowering his eyes to follow it.
My mouth drops open with my sharp intake of breath. Then snaps closed. I shake my head on his last words. “No,” I bark, then stop myself, pursing my lips together, my gut clenching. I grab his forearms and turn my body on his thigh so I’m facing him squarely. I squeeze my fingers around the muscled skin until he raises his eyes to mine. “I don’t want.”
The storm in his eyes mirrors my thoughts.
“I wish we could stay right here forever and hide from every fucked-up thing this world has to offer. But we can’t. I know that. And I’m happy for you, Julie. I’m proud of you. And I know Allie enough to know she just wants everything and everyone to be peaceful and happy.”
