Page 55 of Waiting For Ever
My heart drops. “I know.”But I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck is going on or what changed. But I somehow expected him to say this. I want to ask him why. I want to ask a lot of things. Is meeting my family too much? Did I pressure him? Am I still his girl? Was I ever?
Say something, Everly.
“I’m sorry, Ever.” He has the grace to look...embarrassed, ashamed? Both?
“For what exactly? Missingthe party? Ignoring me all week? Changing your mind? What?”
He sighs audibly, resting his forehead against mine and digging his fingers into my waist. “All of it. Everything. I don’t want to hurt you, Ever. I just don’t... You deserve better than this. Better than me.” He brings his hands to either side of my face like he wants to kiss me, but he doesn’t.
“What are you saying?” I hold my breath.
“I can’t get into this. I—we don’t have time to discuss this right now.”
“But there’s something to discuss. Just say it, Julian. If you changed your mind, just say it.” I hurl the last part, wanting to hurl my fists at his chest.I push against it instead.
He drops his hands. “It’s not that simple.”
“It really is.” I hold my breath again, waiting for him to deny it. He doesn’t. “Just go before you miss your plane.”
“I hate leaving like this.We’ll talk when I get back. Ever, it’s going to be alright. I promise.” His eyes try to meet mine.
I don’t look at him. I focus instead on my clasped hands, my thumbnails flicking against each other. “You can’t promise that. You don’t know. No one knows. It just is what it is.”
“Hey. I’ll see you when I get back. I’ll hurry as much as I can. Okay?” He dips his head to try to catch my eye.
Always the accommodating one, I force a smile and nod.
He kisses me quickly on the lips as his his finger traces around my ear to a lock of my hair. He twirls it once, lets it slip free, and turns to go.
I stand on the bottom stair until the sound of his Jeep disappears, then I trudge back upstairs and straight into his room, where I find the hoodie he was wearing the night before on the foot of his bed. I drag it on over my head, stuff my arms into the sleeves and sink onto the mattress. As the first tear falls, I pull my knees up to my chest and yank the hem of the oversized hoodie over them.
Five minutes! I allow myself five minutes to feel sad and wallow in the unknown and what-ifs. Then I stand up, swipe my face with the dangling cuffs of the sleeves and leave for work. I stay so busy filling in the gaps of his absence between Fit and Brew that time flies. And I mostly sleep soundly with him gone, but it may have more to do with the hoodie I wear that smells like him. I’ve been wearing it since he left.
***
When I arrive home from Brew Friday night, I hope he’s already there. He texts instead to say he can’t get home until late the next day. We haven’t texted much since he left. And I didn’t initiate any. He texted the first night to say goodnight and that he’s been busy all day with meetings. Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t make it home for the party. I selfishly wanted him beside me to face the Oak Valley crew tomorrow. I know I’ll have my sister and mom there, but Julian sparks a peace or confidence in me I can’t readily explain. He grounds me. Or he did. I’m not sure I can even admit that to him now in this limbo state ofWTFwe’re in. I’m caught somewhere between wanting him by my side and avoiding him entirely. Especially if he plans to end things. And this turmoil does nothing to put me in a celebratory mood. Skipping out on the festivities isn’t an option though. Especially with my mom in town. They wanted me to come down last night, but I told them work was too busy. I knew that would shut my mom up, the dictionary definition of a workaholic. There’s nothing to do now except show up and get through it. Maybe none of the crew will be there.
Yeah, right.
I know I won’t get that lucky.
***
Iarrive before anyone else. For almost two hours, it’s just the three of us. I can’t remember the last time we were all together, just us. My mom looks good. Happy. Via looks euphoric. Exactly how a newly engaged person should. We laugh, joke and prep for the party as if no time has passed between us. The Davis girls are superior at compartmentalizing. It’s not like life gave us any other choice.
Via has no idea things changed since I brought up Julian on our call, so it’s only a matter of time before she spills the tea to my mom. And I know she’s dying for me to mention it, but considering our current dynamic, I can’t bring myself to do it. Leave it to Via though.
“So, Mom. There’s a guy. In Blue Lake. His name is Julian. And Everly likes him.”
“Oh, honey, a real boyfriend. Wait, he’s real, right? Or is this your latest book?”
Via snickers behind her.
“Really, guys?” They don’t know anything, so I roll with it. Besides, if it is over, maybe I can just pretend for today. “He’s real. He’s a trainer at Fit. And he’s nice and good looking. And nice.”
“You already said that.” That from Via.
“Shut up, Via.”
