Page 29 of Waiting For Ever
“I think I was just insulted.” But she laughs as she says it, so I know she’s not really offended. I walk her through a day in my new life. She sounds relieved that I have a friend to laugh with and confide in, but she’s most surprised and impressed to hear how much I like working out, kickboxing especially and working at Fit.
“I thought you were allergic to organized fitness. ‘Running is nature’s gym.’ Isn’t that the Evvie workout slogan?”
“But Fit isn’t a regular gym. It feels more like a retreat and smells like one too.” Selling it to Via drives home how much I like it here. In fact, I love it here. I can see myself being happy right here in Blue Lake every day, but the picture in my head includes the mystery man across the bathroom from me that I’m not ready to tell her about.
After we hang up, I sit for a moment, listening for any sound coming from Julian’s room. I pad softly into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Before I tap the light switch, I can see a soft glow coming from under the adjoining door. I don’t bother to lock his side andquickly brush my teeth and retreat to my room. I pace for a moment, unable to settle. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to watch TV. The tingle in my lower region tells me exactly what I want, and he’s ten steps away.
Music might be a remedy. Placing my earbuds in and queuing my favorite old-school playlist, I settle into my sheets and stare at the ceiling. The second song on the shuffle: “Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Bad Company. Of course! And yes, I think I do.
I tug the earbuds out of my ears and toss them on the bed. Reaching into the nightstand, I take out my journal. I haven’t written in it for a hot minute. Maybe getting my raging thoughts down on paper will give me some relief.
I decide to do the thing the therapist made us do when my dad died—write the letter we’d never send.
Dear Julian,
You’re never going to read this so here it goes.
I want you! I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. I’ve never wanted anyone—period! That’s not to say I haven’t had attention from boys before, but they were clumsy and dumb and painfully transparent. They didn’t want me. They wanted someone or the experience. I could’ve been any girl. That didn’t exactly make mewant to rip my clothes off and have all the sex. Or even kiss. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I didn’t want to be with a guy. Now I know it was the guy. Because with you, I want . . . everything. I want you to touch me. I want to touch you. When I’m with you, it’s like they describe it in the books. Everything else fades away and all I see is you. All I think about is you. All I feel is you. The loneliness, anger, pain . . . It all goes away when I’m with you.
Sometimes, I wish we could stay in this Blue Lake bubble forever and not have to face the world and all the stupid, senseless bullshit that comes with it. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve built all of this up in my mind and it’s not as earth-shattering as it seems. You make me feel seen for the first time in my life. You make me feel beautiful and sexy and like I could deserve a man as beautiful as you. I know fairy tales don’t exist. My sister has always said I set myself up for disappointment because I expect guys to act like the ones in my books. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. I just know that I’ve never wanted to experience all the things I want to experience with you. No one has ever made me crave being kissed or touched the way you do.
Maybe the gods are rewarding me for enduring all the bullying and lies in my hometown, for being ostracized and forced to leave the only life I’ve ever known. Maybe I’m being given a gift for being the perfect daughter all these years that never made waves and always did what was expected of her. I don’t know! Maybe it’s that I never took any of those fumbling guys up on their offers and waited patiently for you. All I know is I'm yours, all of me. If you want me, and I think you do. I don’t even care if it’s not forever. Although I’m sure it would break me if it wasn’t, because I’m convinced no one will ever make me feel the way you make me feel. No one will ever smell the way you smell. Kiss me the way you kiss me. Touch me the way you touch me. Make my body come alive the way it does for you.
It’s physically painful that you’re only a few steps away, across a cold tile floor, probably naked except for the soft cotton pajama bottoms I love that hang low on your hips. My mouth goes dry at the memory of how soft and smooth the skin of your chest is. The way it heats my fingertips when I touch you. The way your biceps ripple when I grip them tight, wanting more of whatever you’re giving me. Is this what falling feels like? Ifit is, then here’s the spoiler. It’s better than the books, Julie. You’re better than all my imaginings of what the guy I’d fall for would be. You’re perfect and beautiful. And I don’t mind saying it because you’ll never read this anyway.
Good night, sweet Julian. I hope you dream of me as I’ll surely dream of you.
Love, Ever
Closing my journal, placing it back in the nightstand, I find I’m more relaxed now. I retrieve my earbuds and phone from across the bed where I flung them earlier and place them on my charger. I’m sleepy now, my mind clearer. Therapy tools really do work.Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.After three deep breaths, I settle into my bed and drift off to the lingering but faint scent of Julian on my pillow.
Dreams are bizarre. Especially when you know you’re dreaming while you’re dreaming. Julian comes to my room just as I wished for right before falling asleep. I can tell he’s there before I open my eyes because his scent is stronger now. He smells like a shower and laundry and warm skin. I reach out hoping to find him there as I open my eyes, but it’s not Julian. It’s Chase. What’s Chase doing in Blue Lake? He’s reaching out to me, touching me. I want to scream, but my voice isfrozen like my body. If I just call out, Julian will hear me and come running. And he’ll throw Chase out effortlessly. Chase used to look so big to me, like the big man on campus everyone saw him as. But compared to Julian, he looks like a boy. A sad boy who tries too hard to look important. Clearly so after the way he let me take the blame for everything he did that night. I see it all now. He woke me up by touching me. He shushed me just like he’s shushing me now in my dream. I try to push his hand off me and sit up. That’s when I see the hall light and hear Kendall. He must’ve blamed it all on me. Just like before, I feel the light behind my eyelids. It’s dim but it’s the wrong direction. It’s not coming from the hallway. It’s coming from the bathroom. My bathroom. My bathroom at Allie’s. How did Chase find Allie’s? I open my eyes and see the shadow approaching me just like that night but from the bathroom.
“No, Kendall, it’s not what you think!”
“Ever, stop, it’s okay.”
Kendall doesn’t call me Ever. It’s Julian. His voice is dragging me up from the depths of the dream. I’m awake now and there’s only me and Julian.
The bed dips where he sits down. His hand rests on my sweaty cheek, his palm cool and dry. He’s shushing me, like in the dream. But this sound calms me. He drops his hand and blows softly on my sweat-slicked neck, pushing the hair sticking to my skin behind my ear.
I look up into his shadowed face, the glow from the bathroom doorway backlighting him. I make out his half smile and it trips my heartbeat before he says, “Hi.”
He lifts his other hand that was leaning across me on the bed and pushes a lock of hair behind my other ear. He cradles my face with both hands, his thumbs tracing soft circles on either side of my lips.
Still disoriented from sleep, I reply hoarsely, “Hi.”
“You were dreaming. Wanna talk about it? A drink of water maybe?”
“Uh, no. I’m okay, thanks. I, uh, guess it’s my turn. Tag you’re it.” I try to laugh but it comes out in a half sob. I fight the tears that want to fall.
He tilts my face toward him and pierces me with his stare. “Ever . . .” he sighs. “Let me help you. Let me be here for you.”
One traitorous tear slides down my face, then another. “I can’t, okay?”
“Why?” He drops his hands from my face and holds them out to his sides in question.
“Because if I let you ‘help’ me, I let you touch me. And when you touch me, I want to touch you. And when we touch each other, I don’t want to stop.” I exhale a shaky breath.
