Page 51 of Waiting For Ever
And that’s my undoing. I slide my finger out and reach down to guide myself into her.Ugh, no condom. Shit!“Ever, no condom.”
“I don’t care.”
I should care. I should stop and get one, but she’s clenching my pecs, dragging her nails across my nipples, and I can’t stop even if I want to. I grip my hands under her ass, lift her off the floor and drive into her. Slowly at first, swiveling my hips, eliciting more gasps and moans from her throat with each thrust.
Her hands clamp onto my shoulders, her fingernails leaving crescents on my skin. Her ankles lock against the base of my spine.
The sensation of no condom is taking all the restraint I’ve got. So tight and smooth, I glide in easily. I continue my slow grind until her breath quickens, her cry is deeper, longer, and I know she’s almost there. I trail my kisses to her ear and whisper sweet things to her. With every plunge. Things I won’t examine until later. “Sweet Ever. My Ever. Ugh. So good. All. Mine. Ever. Say you’re all mine.”
“Yes. Fuck, yes.” Her words are breathy, lips parted and dripping wet. So fucking hot. “Ugh, Julie.” My name is ripped from her throat.
“I got you, Ever.”
Her body convulses with her orgasm, and it’s all I need to follow her.
Afterward, my girl is playful, soaping loofahs and scrubbing my back, throwing one at me and giving me her back to return the favor. We make quick work of bathing and finish just as the water begins to turn cold.
On our way downstairs to figure out what to do for dinner, Ever brings it up on her own. “You know,” she begins conversationally, “I was thinking, when I was sitting there on the floor in the office, in freeze mode, that I wished I never met Chase. Or Kendall.” She says it so matter-of-factly and not at all as traumatized as she looked on that office floor. “But then I thought if I’d never met them, I wouldn’t have gone to the party, got drunk, passed out, woken up to him trying to kiss me, Kendall walking in on us, accusing me of sleeping with him, her trying to kill herself, all her friends bullying me until I left town . . .” She pauses for a breath as she steps off the last stair, turns to look at me and continues with this proud “aha” look on her face. “I would’ve never moved in with Allie. I would’ve never worked at Fit. I would’ve never crashed into you that first day.” She smiles at me with her whole face and touches my lips with her finger. “I would’ve never met you, Julie. And I wouldn’t take that back. Not even to erase all that.”
I kiss the tip of her finger and reach up to take her hand. I press my lips to her palm, clasp her hand and pull her with me into the kitchen. “Permission to revisit this story in more detail later, please.” I ask boldly because she brought it up, and I want to know exactly what happened to bring her here. I choose comfort food for dinner. I introduce her to Allie’s grilled cheese sandwiches, and she throws together a salad as our nod to healthy.
I try not to overanalyze why I choose to make them tonight. I haven’t had one since that night I crashed here three years ago, but it left its mark. I know why I choose them, even if I don’t want to acknowledge it.
Without realizing it, Ever asked me if I’d trade meeting her if it meant I could bring Taya back. Okay, she didn’t ask. But it made me ask myself that after listening to her reason through seeing Chase today. I know I’m in my head and being too quiet. I rally and focus on her, our dinner, us.
She tells me all the bullshit she went through in OV—how people came out of the woodwork to make it their business to defend Kendall and vilify Everly. She tells me they even vandalized her car. I don’t get how Via and Ryan are still friends with these assholes. But Everly gives me some flimsy excuse of not being able to really pin any of it on Kendall and Chase directly. And while half of me is fuming over the injustice she experienced, half of my head is recognizing that it brought her here and it’s taking me back in time, to a blonde-haired, green-eyed girl who made me feel like someone for the first time in my life. But she didn’t stay. Which just reinforces in my fucked-up logic that I’m not worth staying for. Which, in turn, brings me to how I don’t deserve the chestnut-haired, gray-eyed girl that makes me feel like I’m not just someone, but everything. Yes, my brain is making unfair comparisons. I can’t help it. But truly there are none. Taya and I were kids. Ever might be the same age I was when I lost her, but she is far from the typical eighteen-year-old. She’s more mature and grounded than a lot of people twice her age. I know I don’t deserve someone so perfect. But truly, the biggest fear—the one I don’t want to admit—what if I can’t keep her safe? What if I’m not enough to make her stay?
When we make our way upstairs to turn in for the night, I tell her I have some work to do and would just be across the bathroom if she needs me. It feels shitty to lie next to her, kiss her, touch her when my head is fucking with me that I don’t deserve her—like I’m shitty for not saving her from me. I just need to take a beat and get my head straight.
If she notices my distant behavior, she doesn’t bring it up. Which fucks with me more. That she doesn’t call me on my shit because maybe she’s used to people not measuring up. She brushes her teeth, touches my face with her delicate fingers and kisses me sweetly on the lips. I watch her retreat into her room and softly close the bathroom door.
Bracing my arms, hands fisted on either side of the sink, I stare at my reflection and want to punch the face in the mirror.Why don’t I deserve her?I tap my fists on the countertop a couple times and watch my reflection take some deep breaths. Padding into my room, I sit down at the desk and open my laptop to make good on my excuse of work.
Several emails from Allie top my inbox. I tap the one displaying a business opportunity in the subject line. Apparently, a YouTube video, several actually, showcasing our kickboxing class, featuring me, has gone viral.Sylvie.As I read the words, my mind reels in too many directions. Somehow it, or I, as Allie made a point of saying, caught public attention. A famous trainer in Southern California Allie met during her training, the one running the event, wants to propose a lucrative opportunity to us both—a way to cash in on the virality.
I click on the link she attached. Luke Ashley Fitness has it all: training programs, his own supplements and health drinks, a merch line, a fitness app and a slogan that no doubt reels people in.Real strength. Real life. No filters.This guy is impressive. I just wonder how two small-town trainers fit into his world. I reply to Allie that I’ll make time for a Zoom meeting tomorrow and to let me know when. I ignore the rest of the emails, unable to concentrate. Instead, I opt for the fresh air of the balcony, hoping it’ll clear my head and snap me out of this doom spiral of what-ifs. Staring into the inky oblivion, I let the night air soothe me, the darkness lull me.
“Taya, don’t go yet. We’ve got time.” I forgot how much I love her laugh. I tighten my grip on the delicate fingers laced with mine. But hers are slippery. They’re sliding through mine as I stretch to cling on, her laugh lilting through the air.
She floats farther away, looking over her shoulder at me. Her sage eyes smile, her lips parted with her melodic laugh. Her arm stretches out to mine.
Does she want me to follow her? I reach out, but she’s too far away now.
I get up to join her but my feet tangle beneath me. I fall, but she doesn’t stop. “Taya. Wait. I’ll go with you.” She’s no longer looking back, and I can barely make out her figure in the waning light. “Taya!” I’m shouting now.
She keeps moving like she can’t hear me.
Over and over, I scream her name until there are only shadows. I feel the cold now. She’s gone. It’s black out now and I’m all alone.
I jolt awake, the dream still fresh in my mind. I’m still on the deck, my skin slicked with sweat despite the chilled air. Shivering, I dash inside and crank the shower. After I let the water pelt the chill away, I slip into Ever’s room. I hear her slow, rhythmic breathing in the silence and see her sleeping silhouette in the muted moonlight cast on her bed. I peel back the covers on the opposite side and slide in behind her.
Her body is so warm.
I fit mine to her back and curve around her as unobtrusively as possible. She sighs and presses into me but stays otherwise undisturbed. I’d never know what it’s like to sleep next to or wake up with Taya. We were too young. We were Ever’s age now, which seems impossible. She feels much older than Taya seemed back then. But lying with her in my arms, smelling her scent, feeling her body pressed against the length of mine, I have my answer. I wouldn’t give back my time with Ever. I couldn’t. She’s part of me, like my skin.
I turn my face up to the ceiling and stare into the dark and feel the tear slip into my ear. I turn my face into the pillow to wipe the moisture away, then bury my nose in the hair just behind her ear and breathe in deep, slow, and beg for sleep. I hate myself because it feels like I’m saying I’m glad she’s gone, and my heart breaks for the young green-eyed girl that never got to grow up to feel love like this.
Love. Like. This.
