Page 54 of Waiting For Ever
“Ev, that guy is famous. His training videos are viral on YouTube.”
Julian rolls his eyes at her declaration.
“Oh, yeah, well, you know I don’t do social media anymore.” I sound dejected, even to my own ears. I hope Via can’t hear it. I turn my back on Julian again in case my face shows it.
“No, I know. But oh my God, Ev. Wow. So, are you guys dating? Is it serious? How long has this been going on? He’s effing hot!”
At the last comment, Julian rolls his eyes again, smiling, stands up and mouths that he’s going to take a shower and retreats up the stairs.
“We’re . . . hanging out.” I take the phone off speaker and hold it to my ear. Lowering my voice, I admit, “Oh my God, Via. I’m crazy abouthim,” glancing over my shoulder to make sure he’s gone. It feels good to admit that out loud.
“How old is he anyway?”
“Twenty-one.”
“So, have you guys kissed? Is he a good kisser? I bet he’s a good kisser.”
“Okay, we’re done with Q&A portion of the program. Can I bring him or not?”
“Yeah, of course. Totally. Oh my God, Mom’s going to flip out. Little Evvie’s got her first boyfriend.”
“Shut up, Via. And don’t tell Mom. One game of twenty questions is enough for today. And besides, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s . . . a situation. So . . . text me all the details. And seriously, let me know what I can do, bring, whatever. Seriously,” I repeat when she doesn’t respond.
“Yeah, okay. But, Evvie, you know some of the crew will be here for the party, right? I mean, we’re not as close as we used to be. Mostly because I’m sure at least some of them are responsible for the hell you went through. Even if I can’t prove it.”
“I know. I’m going to be fine. I can do this. Fuck them. All of them. You’re my sister. If they don’t like that I’m there, they can leave. But also, Via, you don’t always have to go along with the group. You don’t always have to include them if they aren’t your people anymore.”
“Right.” She drags the word out like it’s not. “You’ve forgotten how things work in OV. But it’s all good. If they don’t behave, I’ll fucking make them leave. And so will Ryan.”
I drop it because I know it’s useless. “Love you, Via. Miss you. And . . . congratulations. I’m so happy for you guys.”
“Love you too. See you in six days. And, Ev, congrats on your . . . situationship.”
“Don’t tell Mom,” I remind her and hang up.
***
Julian flew to Southern California to meet Allie and Luke Ashley early Wednesday morning. He promised he’d try to get back in time to go with me to my sister’s engagement party Saturday afternoon, but something changed since the morning we discovered the viral videos. Since I walked in on that call with Allie and Ashley. I wouldn’t peg Julian for someone who’d let fame go to his head. So I couldn’t believe that knowledge of his viral status would be at the crux of the shift. We haven’t had sex since then either. He wouldn’t go to sleep with me, and I didn’t wake up when he would come to bed. I’d see the evidence of his body next to mine in the morning, but he continued to wake before me. We all stayed so busy with camping season and the normal running of things that it didn’t leave much time for anything else. Especially deep heart-to-heart conversations.
Sadness seemed to shadow his every word, smile and kiss. I couldn’t find the confidence to bring it up. If my past taught me anything, it’s that life rarely works out the way you hope. I weirdly prefer this state of limbo, the unknowing, to the surety that he’d changed his mind. Or that maybe he just doesn’t feel the same about me that I feel about him. Maybe he thinks I’m too young. Maybe he’s a typical guy who’s gotten the goods and... I can’t even finish that thought. That isn’t Julian. He’s the kind of green flag energy novels are written about. Despite the strange distance, he still shows me he cares. My coffee cup is outwaiting for me every morning. Sweet kisses every night. But if I try to push the kisses further, he always has a ready excuse of work. So I don’t push. Instead, I write him letters he’ll never read. I wish for the happy ending my books always deliver. And I watch him grow more distant.
When Wednesday morning comes, I make sure to set my alarm to say goodbye to him before he leaves for the airport. I finally succeeded in waking up before he leaves the bed. But the unspoken strain between us makes my victory pointless. When I tap the alarm and roll over, he’s awake and staring at the ceiling. I move into his side, rolling half on top of him, and my hand glosses down his smooth chest and chiseled abs until I reach the trail of dark hair and the waistband of his boxer briefs.
His hand shoots down and clasps mine, stopping my motion. Softening his abrupt response, he takes my hand and presses the palm to his lips. He’s been doing this dance for days now.
I let him kiss my palm, but as soon as he stops, I pull my hand back, fling the covers off my body and stalk into the bathroom, snapping the door closed behind me. I don’t know what to make of any of it. Does he not want me anymore? I want to ask. I just don’t know that I want the answer. So I say nothing.
As I make my way downstairs after dawdling in the bathroom and getting dressed, I hear Julian’s Jeep motor running outside. I know I’m cutting it close to the time he needs to leave for the airport, but I don’t know what to do or say anymore. The awkward chasm between us is obvious and can’t be ignored or excused. Something is up. Something changed. And my self-confidence is floundering. I stand on thebottom stair as he comes through the front door, presumably after loading his bag in the Jeep.
The shutters come down on his indigo eyes as he walks toward me. With me on the step, we stand almost eye to eye and he moves right into my space, breathing my air, causing my heart to pound in my throat.
I hold my breath.
He reaches out and swipes a lock of hair behind my ear with his index finger. “Hi, sweet girl.”
“Hi, Julie,” I reply out of habit, but I don’t feel like his ‘sweet girl’ right now. I feel confused and squirrelly and...clingy. My eyes sting. I shut them and blow out the shaky breath I’d been holding.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can, but I’ll probably miss the engagement party.”
