Page 52 of Kneeling for Daddy
“Fuck…”
The reality hits me like a punch to the gut, and my knees nearly give out. I want to throw up, to cry, to laugh, to scream—anything—to release the fear clawing its way up my throat. I exhale slowly as my fingers trace the edge of the counter, gripping the surface as if it can somehow hold together the whirlwind of fear, excitement, and dread inside me.
Now what?
I pace the bathroom, my eyes not leaving the tests as I repeatedly walk from wall to wall. Nik and I have just started to actually get to know each other.I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring for us, let alone what the hell nine months from now is going to look like.
My thoughts scramble with questions I don’t have the answer to.
How is Nik going to react? Is going to be terrified? Furious?
Fuck, does he even want kids?
Fuck… DoIeven want kids?
With my back pressed against the wall, I sink to the floor and pull my knees up to my chest, realizing how much those four little lines just rewrote my entire life. I’m only twenty-two. I can barely remember to water the sad, half-dead plant in the kitchen. How the hell am I going to keep a tiny human alive?
I’ve never even thought about having kids. Not seriously, anyway. Not in that distant, dreamysome dayway other people do. I don’t daydream about nurseries or baby names. My idea of planning for the future has always been remembering to refill my birth control prescription on time.
How the hell did I let this happen?
I rub my hands over my face, trying to steady my breathing. I’ve handled a lot of scary shit in my life, but this is different. I want to call Madison or Eavan, just to have someone comforting to talk to. Someone who might know what to say to ease my nerves. But the thought dies almost as fast as I pick up the phone. I can’t. They can’t be the first to know. Well, them and the pharmacy guy. The smug bastard probably told the backroom stock boys he sold a pregnancy test to some chaos goblin knocked up by a damn biker gang.Fuck that guy.
I laugh at my own ridiculousness, letting my head fall back against the wall with a soft thud. Staring at the ceiling, I give myself a few minutes before dragging myself up off the floor. I splash water on my face, trying to wash away the dread.
It doesn’t work.
Nik said he would wake me when he got home, but that could mean anything.
An hour. Two. Sunrise.
I pace a little longer, eventually giving up and crawling into bed. The sheets feel colder than normal, with the space beside me still empty. My fingers trace the crease in the pillow where Nik usually rests his head. The smoke and leather scent of him clings to the fabric, and it’s oddly comforting.
I lie on my back, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, tryingnot to spiral. My mind races with possibilities, fears, and questions I can’t answer. My hand drifts to my stomach, tentative, like the touch might make this even more real.
Nik is unpredictable—wild and half-feral on his best days—but he is also the only person in this world who has ever made mefeel safe and loved. And if those characteristics don’t make an amazing father, I don’t know what does?
Eventually, I slip into a restless haze, the last thought echoing in my mind as everything fades:How the hell am I going to tell him?
The sun is only hours from creeping over the horizon by the time I get back to the apartment. I close the door softly and toe off my shoes, trying to be quiet enough not to wake Ani. Slipping down the hallway, I pause at our bedroom doorway to find her sleeping as expected.
As much as I want to wake her, I need a shower to wash off the remnants of the night. My hands and clothes are stained red from the trail of bodies we left across Brighton Beach.
In the guest bedroom ensuite, I strip off my clothes, the fabric sticky against my flesh, and step into the shower. The water is hot, scalding at first. I let it pound against me, as I try to scrub clean the satisfaction and rage that coats me like a second skin. The water runs red as it swirls down the drain, and I wash the evidence away. I close my eyes, feeling the tension slowly bleed from my muscles as the steam curls around me.
After stepping out of the shower, I dry quickly and wrap the towel around my waist. I walk to our bedroom and am surprised to find our bed now empty. Barefoot, I pad through theapartment and I find Ani in her robe sitting at the kitchen island. Her hands are wrapped around a mug that is too big for her little hands, and her shoulders are hunched slightly.
“Sorry, little pet. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Entirely lost in her own little world, she doesn’t stir as I approach.Something is wrong.My Ani would give me shit for being the reason she was out of bed before sunrise.
I lean against the counter beside her, careful not to startle her. Tracing a finger lightly along the edge of her mug, I wrap my hand over hers. Her eyes rise to meet mine, and there’s a vulnerability I don’t see often hiding behind her soft, slightly bloodshot, hazel eyes.
Running my fingers along her jaw, I ask, “What’s wrong, my little pet?” She swallows hard, her throat bobbing as her gaze falls into her coffee before timidly making its way back up to mine. Even if I weren’t watching her hands trembling slightly around the cup, I could feel the tension radiating off her. “Talk to me, Ani.”
“I… I’m pregnant,” she whispers, barely audible, like she’s afraid it might actually make it true if she says it any louder.
For a moment, the unexpected news causes me to freeze. My mind races faster than I can process, the word pinging like a ricocheting bullet inside my skull.Pregnant.Pregnant? Ani. My little pet is carrying my blood. My baby. Something irrevocablyours.
Her wide eyes search mine, pleading for me to say something. Her lower lip quivers, and her voice follows suit. “Are you… mad?” The thought of me being angry—or worse—has her shrinking, and I need to crush that fear.
