Page 87 of Silent Count
She sits on the bed and faces me, sitting crisscross. Her elbows rest on her knees, and she nervously picks at her fingernails. So, I sit up and face her, mimicking her position, even though it’s not really comfortable for me with my long legs. I reach over and take her hands in mine.
“Talk to me.” I bring one of her hands to my mouth and kiss her fingers.
“Bo, I’m really sorry I hurt you. Not that it’s an excuse, but I think the whole day was a little overwhelming for me, and then when I felt like I was being backed into a corner, my guard went up.” She sucks in a deep breath, then exhales. “And to be clear, it had nothing at all to do with you or me wanting to bewith you. It’s childhood trauma stuff that, honestly, I’ll probably always have to deal with in some way or another. But this”—she waves her hand between us—“was new territory because I’d never allowed myself to love someone the way I love you. And honestly, it scared me. Still does a little, but not enough that I don’t want to push through that fear.”
I sit and listen patiently because I want to hear everything she has to say before I respond.
“I told you about my parents, and logically, I know that not all relationships are toxic like theirs was, but that’s the only example that I lived with. Even during the rare times they tried to get sober, they were still chaotic. They would fight, then make up. And they were completely in their own little world. It was like nothing else existed for them except each other and their addiction.” She shakes her head. “That’s scary when you see that as a kid, and you don’t really understand any of it. As I got older and started to realize that this wasn’t a normal family dynamic, I decided that I never wanted to lose myself like that to anyone. Does that make sense?”
I nod. “It does, and I can’t say that I understand because I didn’t have that experience, but I can say that I promise you that we will never be like that. I mean, I am obsessed with you.” I smile at her softly. “But I think instead of getting lost in each other, we’ll grow together. And I know we’ll face a lot of challenges, but I want to face them together. Because I think you and I will be stronger together. And when you can’t be, I’ll hold you up.”
“Yeah, I can see that now, but it’s just hard to believe that it can be real sometimes. You know?”
“Chelsea, I want you to trust me, trust in us, and know I’ll always have your back. And I know you’ll have mine too. Because that’s just who you are, but I also know you love me for me and not because of my last name or because I’m on TV everyweekend. And that’s how I know in my gut that this is where I want to be.”
“I do love you, and I will always have your back, too, but, Bo, you also need to take into consideration that there is a chance people will find out about my past. A past that I’ve worked hard to run away from. I came here to escape the memories, to be a normal girl going to college. And not the girl who was found in a closet while her mom lay dead in the next room.” She swallows. “The girl whose dad was on national television, running from the law, with his picture all over the news.”
“None of that matters tomethough. Do you understand that? I don’t give a fuck what anyone says or thinks about us because what we have is ours only. But don’t think for a second that I won’t protect you. Because I will destroy anyone who hurts you in any way.”
“You really mean that, don’t you?” She tilts her head to the side, eyes roaming over my face like she’s trying, hoping, to see the truth there.
“I absolutely mean it to my bones. Trust me, baby. Believe in us. Let go of your fears, and if you can’t, give them to me to shoulder.”
She smiles and squeezes my hands. “I do trust you. And I want to be all of these things for you too. I want to be your protector, but also your partner. I want …” She swallows. “I want to do this life with you.”
I pull her by her hands into my lap because I can’t wait another second to have her in my arms. “That’s good because you’re mine, and I had no intention of letting you go.”
“You were pretty confident that I would come over tonight in these PJs, weren’t you?” She pulls her head back to look at me.
I tilt my head from side to side. “I mean, I might have been pacing the house a little. I knew you wouldn’t miss Noelle’s birthday, and I was hopeful after you texted me the other night,thanking me for the PJs, but until I saw you walk in the door, I was holding my breath. And if that hadn’t worked, I would have tried something else.”
“Oh, yeah? Like what?” She lays her head on my shoulder.
“I didn’t get that far, but I would have done something.” I brush my hand through her hair.
“Well, lucky for us both, you don’t have to try to figure out the next thing.” She laughs. “I am kind of bummed that you didn’t get to meet my aunt and my sister. They surprised me this week for a quick visit.”
“Really? That sucks that I missed them, but I’m glad you got to see them.”
“Me too. I didn’t realize how much I’d needed it until I was hugging them. My aunt gave me a lot to think about. And she told me I should trust you.”
“Smart lady. Remind me to thank her for being on my side when I meet her.” I kiss her forehead.
“I also read a letter from my dad that I’d been avoiding. He’s dying.”
That’s heavy. My dad and I might not always agree, but I love him, and losing him would be really hard.
“How do you feel about that?”
“It was weird, Bo. I read the letter and felt nothing. But what I realized was that even having that letter in my apartment was like a noose or poisonous. So, I burned it, and when I was standing outside, watching the ashes blow away, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Like I could finally move on.”
“That’s a lot. But I’m really glad you felt that weight lifted off of you.”
“Me too. And I think between my aunt and sister coming, then burning that letter, it made me realize how much I didn’t want to let you go.”
I tip her face up. “I love you. Completely. Every piece of you is mine.”
I slant my mouth over hers and trace the seam of her lips, seeking entrance. She opens for me, and our tongues move slowly against each other, savoring. I deepen the kiss, and she moans into my mouth.
