Page 54 of Faking All the Way
Asher chuckles. “Making itself comfortable. I like that. And I like your grandma, she seems like an amazing woman.”
I snuggle deeper into the mattress, pulling my legs up a little. “She’s the only person who never made me feel like a disappointment.”
The words slip out before I can stop them, raw and honest in a way I didn’t intend. Even in the darkness, I can see the frown that pulls at Asher’s lips, and I quickly backtrack a little.
“I mean, my parents try their best. They really do. They’ve always supported me even when they don’t understand what I’m doing. They just don’t always… understand me, you know? They have no idea how to relate to certain parts of me.”
Asher hums under his breath, still studying my face. I pick at a loose thread on the quilt, not looking at him.
“Honestly, the person who made me feel the most like a disappointment was Daniel. How fucked up is that?”
He doesn’t say anything, but there’s a stillness in the air that lets me know he’s listening closely.
“I looked up to him when we first got together,” I admit, the words spilling out now that I’ve started. “He seemed so put together, so sure of everything. He had this great job, knew exactly where he was going in life, had all these plans. And I was this mess of a person trying to figure out my career and my life and who I even was. So I just followed his lead on everything. Whatever he wanted, whatever he thought was best, that’s what we did. I twisted myself into knots trying to meet his expectations.”
I sigh, tucking a wayward lock of hair behind my ear. “But it never seemed like it was enough, you know? I always fell short somehow. My career was too unpredictable. My friends were too different. I was too curvy, too enthusiastic about things that didn’t matter to him.” I make a face, remembering the casual cruelties disguised as helpful suggestions. “He used to tell me I’d be perfect if I just lost fifteen pounds and got a real job. He made me feel like I was this rough draft of a person who needed major editing to be worthy of love.”
A knot forms in my chest as I finish speaking. Despite the rational side of my brain telling me it shouldn’t matter, I actually care what Asher thinks of me. And even though it felt good to share all of this with him, I also wonder if it was a mistake to lay out every flaw my ex-boyfriend ever saw in me, highlighting them all for Asher to see. What if he agrees? What if he looks at me now and sees all those same flaws?
But when I work up the nerve to meet his gaze, I don’t see anything in his expression that makes me think he’s on board with Daniel’s assessment of me. In fact, he looks pissed.
“He’s a fucking idiot.”
The vehemence in his tone surprises me.
“Well—”
“No, I’m serious.” The anger in his expression grows, his voice a gruff murmur. “He had you—beautiful, passionate, so fucking talented—and instead of feeling grateful every day that you chose him, he tried to change you into someone else. Someone lesser.” He presses his lips together, shaking his head against the pillow. “Any man who can’t see how perfect you areexactlyas you are doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you.”
The harsh fury in his words makes my stomach swoop. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone defend me so fiercely, not even my parents.
“Thanks,” I whisper. “That means a lot.” I laugh, tugging the covers up a little. “Honestly, I’m glad you had the idea to, you know… pretend we were having sex earlier. Back when Daniel and I were dating, he used to say I was…”
I trail off, embarrassed by my own honesty.
“What?” Asher’s eyes narrow.
“Boring in bed.” My stomach twists as I say it, the humiliation burning as fresh as it did years ago. “Too quiet, too inhibited. He said he was sick of doing all the work, and that I never made it exciting for him.”
Asher lets out a low curse. “Jesus, Kat. He was manipulating you. Making you think you were the problem so you wouldn’t notice he was a selfish asshole who didn’t give a damn if you enjoyed it. He probably never even tried to figure out what you liked, right? Never asked what felt good or paid attention to what made you respond?”
I think about it, really think about it. “No. Not really.”
“Exactly. And that’s not on you, that’s onhim. Someone who actually cares will pay attention. They’ll learn what works for you, what makes you feel good. They won’t just expect you to perform on command like some kind of trained seal.”
“What if he was right, though? What if I really am?—”
“No.” His voice cuts through whatever I was about to say, and he shakes his head firmly, half sitting up. “Absolutely fucking not. There’snothingboring about you. And any man worth having would spend hours figuring out exactly what makes you fall apart. He’d make it his mission to learn every sound you make, every way to touch you that drives you crazy.”
The words send heat shooting straight to my clit all over again, immediately undoing all the work I did to tame my pulse. But they do something else to me too, unwinding the tension in my stomach that’s been sitting there ever since I brought up my ex.
Maybe Asher is right. Maybe I’m not the problem.
Maybe I never was.
“Thank you,” I say again, even though it feels inadequate. “I guess I still need to get some perspective on that relationship. I didn’t realize how much it had fucked with my head in some ways.” I wrinkle up my nose in distaste. “That’s what happens when you fall for the wrong person.”
Asher makes a noise of acknowledgement, settling back down on the mattress beside me. It dips under his weight, bringing us a couple inches closer together. The backs of my knuckles brush against his bare chest, and I subtly pull my hand back, my heart jumping.
