Page 35 of Never Started
He should be here. I should have told him.
How selfish can I be?
I hurt him, and now that I'm scared, I want to run to him.
He fought forme. He wantedme. In return, I gave him heartache.
After that, how could I possibly tell him, "Hey, I know I'm a total idiot who pushed you away and fucked everything up. Oh, and by the way, we made a baby, and the baby may not make it?”
I've already wounded him, but this… This would kill him after what I've already done.
The door slowly creaks open, and Dr. Reys walks back into the room, snapping me out of the darkness in my mind.
Our eyes meet, and I can tell she knows my thoughts before I speak the words.
"From what you know right now, at this very moment, what are the chances the baby will be healthy?" I choke out the question I know I need to ask, even though I'm truly scared of the answer.
Her eyes close, and her shoulders slump forward, giving me all the answers I need.
I look down, placing a hand on my belly, unable to see through the tears that are falling relentlessly. I rub gently in small circular patterns, taking a moment to appreciate the creation of life that came from the greatest form of love I'll ever know—the exact love I rejected and hurt.
I've ruined so much at the hands of my fears.
I'll never forgive myself.
For any of it, including what I'm about to do.
I can't hurt Jett further. Some may think it's a selfish decision, but to me, the selfish thing would be to call him back and bring him into this heartache with me. This way, at least, I'm not forcing him into the darkness with me after I broke everything we could have been.
After I so clearly broke him.
"I w-want a—"
Dr. Reys nods in understanding without making me say the words that burn to push out.
"This is an incredibly difficult position to be in, but you have options.” Dr. Reys takes a step closer, and she grabs my hand, squeezing softly to comfort and assure me I’m not alone in this. “You can choose to continue with the pregnancy; however, you need to be aware that if you do, the likelihood of it being viable and the baby being any form of healthy is incredibly slim. Or,you can choose to terminate, and my staff and I will walk that path with you every step of the way."
I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
I cry for myself. I cry for Jett. Mainly, I cry for this baby who deserved so much better than I’m able to give.
Dr. Reys softly clears her throat before speaking again. “The decision doesn’t need to be made now; you have time. Why don’t you take a few days? Discuss this over with the father and your support system at home–”
“No,” I say, cutting her off abruptly.
“It’s okay to take the time to think it over, Izabel. You need to assure that you have the proper support, no matter which decision you choose to make.”
My head falls as guilt washes over me. “No one can know. This decision is mine, correct?”
Dr. Reys nods and offers me a sympathetic, closed-mouth smile. “This is completely your decision. If you’d like, I can recommend one of our staff therapists who has a lot of experience and training to help guide you through coping.”
With a sigh of defeat and more tears of pain, I reply with a simple, “Okay.”
I look over the paperwork that the nurse gave me the other day while I sit alone in the bathroom, hiding from the world outside of this room.
Medical abortion.
I still can't bring myself to say the words aloud or accept it.
