Page 82 of Never Started
I don't.
"I pushed you away..." She pauses, dropping her eyes to the floor. "You were right about what you said back then. I was fucking terrified."
I stay silent for a bit, ready to listen, giving her the space to continue. She doesn't elaborate and doesn't offer an explanation.
"Terrified of what?" Wanting so badly just to hear her words, I grow slightly annoyed, and it's evident in my tone. Her eyes briefly flash up to meet mine, but don't linger as they quickly travel back to stare down at her clasped hands, resting in her lap.
"Of you!" she shouts a little louder than I believe she intended, judging by her facial reaction. "Of what you were making me feel. Of—" She lets out a sigh, cutting off her own words. "It doesn't matter now."
"The fuck it doesn't. It matters," I respond firmly, demanding the answers I've come here for. "I know you were scared. Thatmuch was obvious. What I don't know is why. It never added up."
"What never added up?" she asks softly, her attention staying trained on her hands, intentionally not focusing on me.
I scoff. “Everything. What were you scared of? What happened to make you so guarded? I may not be a genius, but I'm emotionally intelligent enough to know that people don't just go around closing themselves off for the fuck of it, Iz. There's typically a reason. I'm here to listen to yours."
Her eyes slowly make their way up my body until they meet mine yet again. This time, she holds my gaze. The look I see when I stare at her is one I've never witnessed—the vulnerability that she's learned to mask so well. It's as if, in that gaze, she's showing me everything she feels. The pain she hides is so evident in this moment, the tension in the air surrounding us builds until it's thick and suffocating.
Unable to take the distance, I break our eye contact, walk to the bed, and sit next to her on the edge of the mattress, linking our pinkies. It's a silent promise.Ourpromise. One to listen, to attempt to be understanding, and a promise that she will be heard. Like we used to do.
"Do you remember the time you asked about who I lost my virginity to?" Her voice is small, but I hear her loud and clear.
"I remember everything, Iz. You said it was to Chad with his unimpressive micropenis," I say, trying hard as hell not to laugh, eyebrows raised, curious as to where this is going.
She nods, unamused. "Chad." She scoffs, as if disgusted at the way his name tastes coming out of her mouth. "The thing is, I never technicallylostmy virginity… Chad took a lot more from me than I was ready to give. I thought I was in love, and he proved to me I wasn’t. I was so young and naive."
I have a feeling I know where this is going, and I can't contain the fury and protectiveness that rage through my veins.Releasing her pinky, I grab onto her hand, intertwining her fingers with mine.Fuck. That's all it takes for the memories of how we were to come flooding back.
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts and stay here in the moment with her. I give her hand a soft squeeze, signaling for her to continue.
"I wasn't necessarily one of those girls in high school who were easily approachable. I spoke my mind too freely, and most of the guys were scared of me. Not Chad. He approached me with no fear, and he oozed confidence. I was mesmerized by him. He would walk me to class, call me constantly, and remind me of how special I was. I didn't need all that shit, but it was nice." She lets out a sigh, taking a moment to catch her breath.
"You know,” she continues, “I was never shy when it came to guys, but I wasn't ready for that...step. Not yet. He would persistently try and would get shut down. It was the day I finally told him I loved him, too. He got sick of waiting, so he pushed me into the school's empty bathroom, locked the door, pinned me down on my back, and took what he wanted. Once he was done, he was finished with me completely. He bragged to all of his friends on the football team about how 'easy' I was. I think it's then that sex became just a coping mechanism for me. My walls went up around my heart, and I let my freak flag fly. I was already labeled as a whore after that. Why not give the world what they wanted?"
Rage.
Fiery. Hot. Rage.
I release her, and my hands ball into fists at my sides. I stand and begin pacing.
It all makes sense. It’s why she’s always felt the need to be in control during sex. It’s also why her heart is locked behind the vault she’s built. The first time she allowed herself to fall in love with a guy, he turned around and immediately hurt her.
"Iz—"
"I don't need sympathy, Jett. You have questions. You're getting the answers. I've never told anyone, and that's all I'm willing to say on it. Long story short, Chad is the one who taught me to fear love. My father just solidified that feeling."
I stop in my tracks, inhaling sharply with shock. "Your father!?" I shout louder than intended.
She shakes her head. "Not what you're thinking."
"Make me understand." I keep my voice low and my tone even. I look at her and give her a soft nod, encouraging her to talk. Letting her know it's safe to do so.
"I can try." Her voice catches. "But it has to stay between us. Via can never find out."
I swallow. She's trusting me with something she hasn't even trusted Via with. She trusts Via with everything, or so I thought.
Izzy sighs, and her shoulders slightly slump forward as she exhales. It's evident in her posture that whatever she's holding back is heavy and weighing her down.
"It's hard to trust in love when I've witnessed the ultimate form of betrayal." Her eyes break my gaze and focus on her feet, swinging off the bed nervously. "My dad..." She sighs as if releasing the world's weight from her chest in that single breath. "Growing up, I always thought I had the perfect family. We were happy—or, at least, I thought we were. I envied my parents and their bond, and I craved to someday have what they had in one another. It was all so picture-perfect from the outside looking in. Until... One day, I got an inside look, and it wasn't as perfect or as pretty as I assumed."
