Page 80 of Never Started
My mind is reeling.
He woke up this morning and told me about the awkwardness that transpired between him and Jett last night. He explained that he knew Jett and I had a "fling" in the past, but wanted to see if he was missing something that would have warranted Jett's reaction to him.
Something in me just shut down, and all my defenses flew up.
Maverick and I don't argue. We never have before now. He just wanted to talk, and… And I can't. I can't talk about this, not with him. I was hateful and manipulative, spinning his words like a black widow spider weaving her web perfectly.
I hate myself for it right now.
On the one hand, I feel guilty for being here with Maverick, knowing damn well why Jett and I ended. I couldn't get myself to take the leap with him, and here he is, probably thinking I took it with Maverick. I mean, technically, I did, but it's so different. I don't love Maverick more than I loved, or love, Jett. It's just…
Different.
I'd lie to myself if I said my feelings for Jett had dissipated. They haven't. Not in the slightest. He claimed my heart as his when we were younger, and, selfishly, I attempted to take it back. Yet, he will forever remain imprinted on it. There is no changing that.
On the other hand, I feel guilty that I'm leaving Maverick in the dark. He's taken the time to get to know the woman I am now. He can sense that something is up. He's known since the moment coming to the ranch was mentioned. He's kind and gentle and doesn't push me past my limits.
Today, for the first time, he pressed me for more information in the best way anyone who is curious could. Yet, I still shut down on him.
The one common denominator in both situations is that I, in fact, suck.
I run one hand over my face and the other through my hair, inhaling slowly.
Where do I even go from here?
After Maverick described Jett's interaction with him, I knew Jett had to have questions. He deserves the answers, but if I give him the honest ones... Well, I just don’t know ifIwill ever truly be ready for that conversation. He deserves it. Hell, he deserved it then.
So many years lay dormant between what Jett and I had, yet I still feel that same pull to him. That tug at my heart that alwayshappens where he’s concerned. Does he still feel it, too? Or are we water under the bridge where he’s concerned?
It shouldn’t matter, Izzy. You’ve moved on, and he probably has too.
But has he? Has he found happiness with someone else? What does his life look like now? I can’t help but wonder if he’s still the same as I remember.I have no right to wonder, I remind myself, but it doesn’t change the fact thatI do.
The way he reacted to meeting Maverick... What does that even mean?
All I need to focus on is finding the courage to face him at some point.How? How do I do that and pretend to be unfazed as if there’s not an ocean of history and unresolved shit between us?
Fuck it, itshouldn’teven matter.
Hearing the cabin's front door swing open about a half hour later, I let out a sigh."Ugh."
I appreciate that Maverick came back to talk, especially after the way I treated him, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the impending conversation. I don't deserve him. However, I'm not in the right headspace to talk yet, and I don't want to make things worse than I already have.
"Mav, please just give me time," I say softly through the closed bedroom door, lying back on the bed and wiping away the tears that have managed to escape from my hold.
There was no response for a while. Then, after almost a minute, there’s a soft tap on the door right before it creaks open slowly.
I squeeze my eyes shut harder, basically begging the tears to stop falling. I look like and feel so weak.
Fuck, I really hate crying.
"Hey, Beauty."
Those two words. All it took was two words for my resolve to crumble completely.
Oh fuck.
My tear-filled eyes dart up to meet those of the man who looks like he came in search of answers and won’t be leaving without them.
