Page 128 of Carry On
Taking one last drink, I lay down on the couch and stared out at the moody city as the sunset splashed across the sky in shades of red and orange. Painted flames burned the world to the ground around as my body grew lighter and heavier all at the same time, melting into the infinite darkness that followed.
CHAPTER 84
LINCOLN
Iobsessedoverakissand a confession. All day, that moment with Nash played on repeat in my head. It didn’t help that it was an easy day, one I didn’t have to think about anything important. Going through the motions left my brain completely preoccupied with him.
Nash loved me. He loved me and then some.
I struggled because I knew in my heart, I loved him. I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud.
But I did.
And the longer I obsessed over that, the more I realized that I needed to tell him. Just before our evening meeting, I stepped outside to call him. My chest constricted while the phone rang.
“You’ve reached Nash.” That was it. That was the extent of his mailbox greeting.
“Look,” I began, the tightness in my chest easing up as I let myself feel everything, “I know that you and I… we’re unconventional. There’s no denying that. I mean, who marries someone they don’t know? Or barely knows? But I think both of us knew even back then that there was something here between us. I know you felt it too. It’s always been there. I don’t know how to explain it, or if there are even words to explain it… I just think that we were meant to find each other.”
I laughed uncomfortably. Fuck, I sounded like a goddamn idiot.
“I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true…” I faltered as I struggled to find the right words.
And I took so fucking long that I ran straight to the time limit of the voicemail I could leave. The phone hung up on me, and I swore under my breath. Jesus fucking Christ. I redialed and was sent right to his voicemail all over again.
“And here I am, looking like a goddamn idiot as I leave you another message,” I said after the tone. “I’m not good with this kind of thing. I’m… I’m scared of what it all means. I’m scared of opening myself up all over again. I’m scared of getting hurt all over again.
“But most of all, I’m scared of what happens if it all falls apart because I do love you. I love you, Lucky. I have loved you a lot longer than I’m ready to admit out loud… or maybe you know that already.
“I’m going to shut up before I run out of time,” I said, “but I just want you to know that I’m all in. You and me… wherever this goes, I’m with you. I’ll watch the sun rise with you any day. I love you, Lucky.”
I ended the call before I kept rambling. I’d said more than enough to make sure he knew. Sighing, I took a moment to watch the sunset—truly watch it—and wondered if he was doing the same.
CHAPTER 85
LINCOLN
ItwaslaterthanI wanted when I finally managed to get home. The condo was quiet, and all the lights were out. I kicked off my shoes and went straight for the kitchen. On the way, I saw Nash on the couch, arms folded over his chest as he slept. He looked peaceful, serene. At least, he was finally getting rest.
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly and quietly. “I’ll turn it off in a second, promise.”
Nothing.
I frowned, something uncomfortable weaseling its way through my chest. He wasn’t a heavy sleeper by any means. Usually, disrupting him in any way got me some kind of grunt or grumbling sound.
“Nash?” I said a little louder as I set down my briefcase.
Still nothing.
I was almost halfway to him when I saw it: the half-drunk bottle of whiskey on the table alongside two empty prescription bottles.
The bottom of my stomach fell out.
“Nash!” I exclaimed, scrambling to get my phone from my briefcase before hurrying across the room to him. I took his face in my hands. He wasn’t breathing. “No, no, no… no, hey. Come on, Lucky… look at me. Please, lookat me.”
My eyes burned hot as I shook him.
Nothing.
