Page 106 of Carry On
“Okay.” I nodded, slow and uncertain. I didn’t have a clue what to do with that. “How can I help?”
“I don’t know,” he said once more. The emptiness in his voice was heart-wrenching. “I’m just so tired, Linc.”
“I know.”ThatI did know. His exhaustion was etched into every inch of him. It wasn’t the kind of tired that could be fixed with sleep. He bore the weight of his wars heavily on his shoulders, crumbling under it. “Are you going into work today?”
I glanced at him in the pending silence. His head gave the tiniest of shakes. I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. It wasn’t about the money. I didn’t give a fuck about that. I had more than enough and then some to keep us both comfortable for a very long time. It was about him finding a new normal that wasn’t park benches and protein bars broken into pieces.
Maybe it was all too much, too fast. Almost a decade disconnected from the world wasn’t easy to recover from. It wasn’t easy to come back from. Maybe I was pushing him too fast or expecting too much out of him. I didn’t really know the timeline for all of this.
“Breakfast date?” I offered. Pancakes were a good way to distract from the bullshit. It was also a prime real first date option.
“Sure,” Nash said with a slight shrug that oddly tugged at my heartstrings. It was as if he was so defeated by the world that it was easier to give in than anything else. Standing, I offered him my hand. His fingers slipped easily through mine without hesitation as he stood. At least that was something, a little thing that eased my mind.
As I started to leave, he pulled me back, and his lips touched mine. The kiss was heavy and poignant, spilling over with the emotions he struggled to say.
“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up,” Nash whispered, his forehead pressed to mine.
“I knew what I signed up for,” I said.
The words were a lie. I’d signed up for insurance fraud. I hadn’t signed up to give my heart to a man teetering between life and death with no clue as to how I could save him. I kissed him again and silently begged that he could feel how much I loved him.
Because I did.
I loved Nash Calhoun, and my heart told me that was a dangerous thing to do.
CHAPTER 72
NASH
Iwasn’thungryforpancakes,but there was something soothing about sitting across from Lincoln in a corner cafe. It was easier to focus on him than the chaos in my brain. I mindlessly traced the lines in his palm, using the delicate curves as a distraction. If he cared, he didn’t say a word.
Of course, he cares,the voice commented.
I stared harder at his hand as if that would shut the voice up. Honestly, I just wanted it to go away—to leave the moment alone. I wanted just one moment of peace with Lincoln. One moment not fucking tainted by the thoughts running through my head.
“Pancakes are underrated,” Lincoln said. That genuine grin on his handsome face did things to me. Foreign things.
“Yeah,” I agreed as I offered him a tight smile and returned my focus to his hand. If I was being honest, I hated pancakes. I’d eat them because I didn’t have a lot of room to be picky, but I still couldn’t stand them.
“You know,” he began quietly, “if this is too much—if I’m too much or being with me is too much—we can go back to our original arrangement.”
“What?” I frowned, meeting his intense stare. “Where the fuck is that coming from?”
“You left…”
“Right.” Letting go of his hand, I sat back in my seat.
You leave everyone,the voice reminded me.
“It’s okay if I am,” he continued. Fuck. I never wanted him to think that about himself, and I especially didn’t want him to think I thought it either.
“It’s not you, Lincoln,” I told him. “I just…”
I blew out a long breath of air. I didn’t know how to make him understand.
He can’t understand,the voice said.No one can.
I knew that much was true.
