Page 12 of Remorseless
Relief flickered across his face and he closed his eyes, hugging her tightly. “You back.”
She rested her head against his bare chest, breathing in his spicy scent. “I didn’t say you can’t kill.” As she once would have. “I said don’t hurtinnocentpeople. Johnnie’s the exception. He isn’t innocent but you can’t kill him because of Kendall and their kids.”
His body tensed; he kept a tight hold on her. “Who you want me to fuck up?”
She thought about the mocking and disrespect she’d endured, then brushed it aside. “No one.”
“Then what—?”
“I want you tohear me. If you ever decide to be so generous with another woman and I tell you to get the check back, do it. No questions asked. No hesitation.”
“Ain’t never givin’ another cunt no fuckin’ help or money. I’m gonna even let Stretch handle the club girls whenever they ask for bills.”
Meggie shrugged. “I don’t have a say in that.”
He wilted and blew out a heavy breath. “We been over why I talked to Torie, so I ain’t rehashin’ that. I liked Kiera. I cared about her a lot and, maybe, we woulda ended up together if you ain’t came into mylife. Shit was complicated. Mort was feelin’ Ki for years. He was more into her than I ever fuckin’ was. After I killed Big Joe, I ain’t gave a fuck about nothin’ and nobody. I was so fuckin’ filled with hate, I ain’t had room for love or friendship.”
“You had room for me.”
“From the moment I met you, you touched me. I wanted you. I hated you. I feared you. It might’ve looked like I threw Ki over cuz you were younger and needed me more, so it’s fuckin’ easy for you to think I did the same with you and Torie.”
“Were you attracted to her just a small bit?”
He finally dropped his arms and tipped her chin up. “No.”
He let the word hang in the air, dropped the veil on his emotions, so she could see into his soul. Understand the truth.
“The one time my cock got hard around her was cuz…I needed to fuckyou. Whatever else she was, she was fuckin’ gorgeous with a beautiful body. But she wasn’tyou, Megan.Mybody, my cock, my tongue, my heart, my fuckingsoulbelong to you.” He laid his forehead against hers. “I’m gonna say that to you over and over until you start believin’ in me again. Until you soft and vulnerable in private, remindin’ me not to kill motherfuckers with a look or with tears.”
“I don’t know if I can ever be that woman again.”
“Will you try?”
She shook her head. “No. Kindness and tears are mocked and seen as a weakness.Ourrelationship has changed—”
“It ain’t—”
“It has,” she said sadly. “The kids are changing it. I can’t only blame Torie, although she is a big reason. Who knows? Perhaps, that’s why I can’t connect with Jo. It isn’t our baby’s fault that Torie was a scheming witch and used her as a pawn, but it was her birth that put you in Torie’s path.”
Guilt settled into Meggie at those words. Logically, she knew nothing was Jo’s fault. She was an innocent baby, who hadn’t asked to be made and who hadn’t chosen Meggie as her mother. Her baby deserved more than a mom with depleted emotions and uncertain sentiment.
“We canput her up for adoption.”
Meggie’s gaze flew to Christopher’s, his words shocking her into momentary speechlessness.
“If you ain’t wantin’ her and not seein’ her’ll make you happier, we can turn her over to the state.”
“Absolutely not,” Meggie said firmly. “She’s our child.Wewill raise her.”
“Ain’t no ma in the world as perfect as you, baby. If you want Jo and we keep her, she gonna be the luckiest girl in the world to have you for her ma. The kids always come before anything and anybody. You not gonna slack on Jo, but it ain’t gonna be fair to you if you feel as if you gotta raise her cuz she ours. And it ain’t gonna be fair to her if you ain’t bondin’ with her. She just gonna be a kid.”
“You love her. I think you’re closer to Jo than you are to any of our other kids except Diesel and CJ.”
“Me lovin’ her a whole lot different thanyoulovin’ her. A father’s love and guidance important, but it can’t hold a candle to a ma’s. It especially can’t make up for a ma who see another woman every fuckin’ time she look at her girl.”
Meggie winced and pressed down on her lips.
“The words harsh but they fuckin’ true. And I ain’t judgin’ you. I love Jo. So fuckin’ much. But I’d sacrifice me, my children, and any other motherfucker to make you happy. It took me so long to fuck up Torie cuz I just ain’t wanna take her from her son. I ain’t want him growin’ up like Diesel, thinkin’ his ma just fuckin’ left, but her behavior ain’t left me no fuckin’ choice. It was kill her or lose you, so fuck her. Fuck her kid. Fuck her husband. I especially ain’t wanted you to order her death. No motherfucker’s death. I wantyouto look at me and see the good in me. Remind me I ain’t just a killer. Cuz I felt fuck all when I choked that cunt. I didn’t give a fuck when I blew her face the fuck off. I just ain’t cared then and I don’tcare now. I love Jo, but I love you more. I love CJ and Diesel, but I love you more.”
