Page 120 of Remorseless
Pillar of Earth: Log onto your computer and undress.
Chapter Twenty-One
Between thoughts of Molly, fatigue over Harley’s constant bullshit, and annoyance toward Diesel and Rule, CJ felt out-of-sorts and overwhelmed. After everything else that had happened in the past three months, he couldn’t believe one night of bullshit finally broke him.
Perhaps, the residual effect of Torie’s death still fucked with his head. Not that she wasgone. She’d caused so many problems for Mom and Dad, CJ didn’t give a fuck how she got out of the picture. Just that they’d finally have peace from her torment. The memory of his father’s coldness and lack of humanity haunted him. He’d heard the stories. Outlaw—Dad—was legendary. But actuallyseeingthat side of him affected CJ.
His admiration of his father ran deep. He’d never made a secret of his feelings. From a young age, hewanted to emulate his father’s dress, his cussing, his badassery, and…him. He’d never feared his father. Or doubted him.
Being the son of a legend had never been easy. Yet, he’d always been proud to be known as Outlaw’s son.
Now?
He feared he’d never live up to Dad’s reputation. That, somehow, he’d fail all the many expectations everyone placed on his shoulders. He wondered if Dad’s brutality would take front and center now that Mom was so fucking fed up, she didn’t give a fuck who he fucked up. Worse, he doubted he could stomach looking someone in the eyes and killing them, no matter how much they deserved it.
Dad said CJ had to reconcile the two sides of him—Outlaw and Christopher—if he wanted to patch in. If he ever fell in love, he’d end up with dual personas, too. It was the only way he could be a club leader and a family man.
More depressing was CJ’s realization that he didn’t give a fuck that Torie was dead. She’d fucked over Mom and ignored his warnings to back off as well as Diesel’s and Dad’s. When he thought further, CJ also concluded he didn’t even give a fuck that Dad had strangled her for over five minutes. Or that her mouth, nose, and ears began to bleed. Or that she pissed herself.
Fuck, he didn’t even care that Dad obliterated her beautiful face by pumping twelve hollow point bullets into her head.
It was…it was…
What?
A type of lost innocence he’d never reclaim? The sudden awareness of the fragility of life? Here one moment and gone five and a half minutes later? Actually, sooner. Dad’s hands were lethal.
Leaning against the sofa in the den, CJ tipped his head up and stared at the ceiling. It was bright white and inlaid with futuristic track lighting, complementing the butter-yellow walls. He knew Mom was searching for another chandelier for the entrance hall. By the time she found it, she’d want another major redecoration of the house.
Or, maybe not. Love and happiness didn’t fill her these days. Fuck yous and fuck offs replaced her well of kindness that everyone relied on. Maybe, the home Mom created for Dad and their children would become a house, cold walls filled with expensive furnishings but no warmth, laughter, and joy. No peace. Because the queen had lost faith in her king and his heirs.
Scraping his fingers through his hair, he closed his eyes. The house was quiet, though his parents hadn’t turned in yet. His brothers were scattered about and Rebel had stormed upstairs not long after everyone left.
CJ had never felt lonelier. Even more so than when Mom was in the hospital and Dad refused to leave her side. If CJ could go back in time, he’d find a way to limit Torie’s time in NICU when Dad was there. Orsomething.
“CJ?”
At the sound of his mother’s voice, he lifted his head as she walked into the room. She stopped in front of him and he smiled at her.
“You look so pretty, Mom,” he said, meaning it.
“Thank you, son.” She studied him. “Do you need to talk? Are you okay?”
He appreciated how quickly she assessed situations. “Yeah, Mom.”
Sighing, she sat next to him and wrapped her arm around him, then urged his head onto her shoulder. Her cherry blossom scent enveloped him.
“I’m trying to give you your space, CJ,” she said. “Respect your new boundaries, but it is so hard to see you in such a state. I don’t know if I’ll evernotsee you as my potato.”
He grinned, her words soothing something inside of him. “I’ll always be your potato.”
“Tell me that after you fall in love,” she said with a small chuckle.
He missed his mother’s giggles. They were happier and carefree. The only time he’d heard it recently was because of Easton Love.
Dad breezed in, beer in hand, and followed by Diesel.
Lifting his head from his mother’s shoulder, CJ pasted a smile on his face and gave Diesel a pointed look. “Just the motherfucker I want to see.”
