Page 190 of Remorseless
Fuck!
Mom would fucking freak. If he remembered, he’d soon visit his primary care physician, and Mom wanted the same tests and scans he’d had while he’d been in the coma to make sure they hadn’t missed anything. After the fake doctor incident, Dad hadn’t given the hospital the chance to repeat everything.
CJ drew in another deep breath and slowly turned, enjoying the bracing air, appreciating the evergreens interspersed with other trees currently devoid of leaves. Little things he’d never noticed drew his attention. The way his skin tingled from the cold. The breeze lifting his hair and sweeping over his heated scalp. The scent of pine and mud and…andlife.
For five and a half days, his room was his refuge. He hadn’t had to face his fear of dying or recognize his anxiety over right or wrong choices. A mistake sometimes meant the difference between life or death.
“CJ?”
Diesel’s voice reached him and CJ focused. His brother stood directly in front of him, concern etched into his face. Diesel visited every day, usually more than once. Guilt was eating him from the inside out. His hand was still bandaged but he functioned as if it didn’t hurt at all.
Either Diesel was a bad ass, had a high tolerance for pain, or he didn’t give a fuck.
“Aunt Meggie sent me to check on you.”
CJ nodded, glad she hadn’t found him herself.
Walkingto him, Diesel drew CJ into a bear hug and held him for a moment. “You’re alive, little brother,” he whispered.
“So are you,” he returned quietly, returning his brother’s hug.
Diesel released him. He looked so tired. CJ wanted to ask about the scene in his room when Rebel came in to inquire if he’d put Kaia up to calling. He had, but it wasn’t something she needed to know.
Discovering how much Kaia liked Rebel wasn’t comforting, but it was the best he could do for now. Yet, the currents between her and Diesel that evening were…gross.
“I loved my parents so fucking much, CJ,” Diesel said quietly. “Especially my mother. I was a mama’s boy.”
The taunts from the night of his overdose rose in CJ’s head. “Like me.”
Swallowing, Diesel glanced away. “That was so fucking wrong of them. Of me.”
“You didn’t say it.”
“I didn’t stop it.”
“It’s over and done with, Dee.”
Diesel looked at CJ again, a small smile on his lips. “It would’ve been better to never know my mother and father, than to be with them for fifteen years and have them desert me. We weren’t wealthy. Skirted between low-income and middle class regularly.”
“Because of their shittiness and a fateful decision to watch over a two-year-old, you’ve led a charmed life. Money isn’t everything and I can’t relate to parents who had it in them to abandon their own child, but you’re punishingyourselfbecause of their bad behavior.”
“I just want to know why. Was I not good enough? Was I a mistake? I can’t begin to explain the fear Ihave that if I do something wrong, Uncle Christopher and Aunt Meggie will cast me out.”
“If you did something wrong, it is probably egregious. Running afoul of the club in some way. Or fucking with Rebel. Dad will kill you. He’d never cast you aside.”
“Most of the time, I feel so worthless and unworthy. As if I don’t belong. As if I’m the charity case.”
CJ scowled. “You’re a fucking asshole. Dad could’ve given you money when he found us and sent you on your fucking way. He probably felt sorry for you. You were a kid alone on the streets. But if Mom had told him you had to go into foster care, you wouldn’t have stayed. They adopted you, gave you the Caldwell name, and never looked back. They put you through school. Fuck, Diesel, they were going to build you a motherfucking house on club grounds.Youwanted to move out, so Mom bought you a luxury fucking condo. No questions asked.”
His headache was returning, which made him realize it had eased.
“My fucking head’s hurting, motherfucker.” He wanted to go home and hide from the world, but he couldn’t do that to Mom. “Let me get to the fucking club.”
Diesel fell into step beside CJ. He estimated he was just an inch or two shorter than Diesel’s six-foot two-inch frame. They walked in silence until they reached the pedestrian gate. Once Diesel opened it, he waited until CJ walked through before he allowed it to clang close.
“You okay, CJ?”
“Yeah, bro. I’m fine.”
