Page 36 of Tell Me No
I meet her gaze, angry tears sliding down her cheeks. I want to reach out and wipe them away. If I could take her in my arms and ignore the rest of the world for the rest of our lives, I would. But that isn’t reality.
“I know you think this is your fault, but it isn’t. Everything you did kept me alive,” she says, the conviction in her voice telling me she really believes that.
“The things I’ve done, Aurora. The things I still do. They put you in danger, and I won’t let that happen again,” I tell her, and she scoffs.
“So your solution is to push me away? You honestly think we’re better off as two miserable, hollow shells? If you’re scared I’m going to be a victim, Jason, then make sure I’m not. Teach me,” she says, suggesting an option I didn’t even consider.
“Teach you what, Aurora? How to be a fucking murderer like me? Absolutely not. I won’t let you-” I try to argue, but she cuts me off.
“Who the fuck do you think you are if you think you could everletme do anything? I don’t need your permission, Jason. If you won’t teach me, I’ll find somebody who will. But I won’t let you give up on this, on us. I’ve seen you at your worst, knuckles bloodied and broken, and even then I never even fucking thought about leaving you. It never crossed my mind for a second. Because I love you, Jason Negan,” she says, closing the distance between us and taking my face in her small hands. “I love you. You are the one I want. You're the one I want to come home to after a shitty day at work, and roll over to in the middle of the night. I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of our lives. You are the only one I want to love, Jason. These are the arms I want to hold me when life gets to be too much. I want to be there for you when everything in your world comes falling down, just like you’re there for me. All of my good days and every bad day, I want to spend them all with you.”
“I know you mean all those things, Aurora. And so do I. Fuck, loving you enough is not the problem here, baby.” My head is swimming in all the hope she brings in to my life. But the fear in her eyes when we found her back in the warehouse is something I never want to see again.
“I knew a life with you would never be easy, Jason. Hell, I promised myself I wouldn’t fall in love with you. Even before that first kiss, I told myself not to go there. But it was right there on that couch at three in the morning. We were laughing so hard about nothing particularly important. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy. Right then, I knew I was screwed for the rest of my life. So don’t you fucking dare tell me this is safer for me. Because being without you is the scariest thing I’ve ever faced.”
My heart cracks wide open. The pain I’m causing her is almost unbearable. I want to have the fairytale ending with her. But not at the expense of her life.
“I just… I just don’t know, Aurora,” I whisper, hoping some part of her understands what I’m saying.
“If you don’t understand why we can’t be apart, Jason, then you’re right. You should just fucking leave.” Anger flares in her eyes and I latch on to it. Even though I know she could be right, I’d rather her hate me and keep breathing than ever be responsible for taking her light from this world.
“I’m gonna give you some space. I know you don’t see what I see. But that’s only because you don’t want to. Being with me is dangerous, and I could never be so fucking selfish with you,” I tell her, hoping she’ll understand where I’m coming from if she cools off.
“I can’t believe you’re saying this. What happened to you and me forever, Jason? It’s barely been two days since you made that vow and you’re already ready to give it up?!” she shouts back at me, her anger finally breaking loose.
“Aurora, I will live the rest of my life and never break that vow. But what kind of man, what kind of husband would I be if I knowingly put you in harm’s way? How could I wake up every day and tell you I love you and still do that to you?” I’m begging for her understanding, but I don’t get it.
Dawn breaks outside the living room windows and I know going ten rounds with her now won’t solve any problems. We’ll only end up saying shit we don’t mean, and I won’t go there. So instead of fighting, I kiss her forehead, lingering much longer than necessary as I breathe in her familiar scent, grab the keys for my bike, and walk out the door.
twenty-two
There’s onlyone place I’ve ever been able to find the kind of guidance I need right now. I pull my bike into the driveway of the house I grew up in. The two-hour drive gave me little clarity, and I know talking with my dad is the only thing that could help me process everything going through my mind. Leaving Aurora is the last thing I want. I know the shreds of humanity I’m clinging to will be gone if she is.
Since the day I moved into this house, I’ve never knocked. Walking through the side door, I see my mom and dad already sitting at the small table in the kitchen. Dad’s got the paper in front of him open to the sports page, coffee and a homemade biscuit on a plate in front of him. My mom’s eyes meet mine and a knowing look passes across her face.
“What’d you do, son?” She asks. Dad doesn’t even bother looking up from his paper, but scoffs out a laugh.
“What makes you think I did anything?” I reply, falling into the chair next to my mom. I drop my head into my hands, raking my fingers through my hair. A migraine has been building behind my eyes since the moment I walked out of my house and away from Aurora.
“Oh honey, you think I got this old over night?” My mom says, patting my back reassuringly.
“You’re not old, mama,” I tell her, standing to grab a cup of coffee and a biscuit from the pan on the stove.
“Uh huh, whatever you need to tell yourself, baby. Now, out with it. What did you do?” She asks again. I take a deep breath, preparing for the lecture I’m gonna get for getting married without telling anybody.
“Aurora and I went to Vegas,” I let the implication hang in the air. The black wedding band on my left hand feels like it weighs a fucking ton right now, the weight of Aurora’s disappointment encircling my finger like lead.
“Well hell, son. Been married what, two days? And you already pissed your lady off bad enough to send you running home?” Dad asks, finally folding his paper and pushing it to the side.
I wait for them to voice their anger or confusion, but it doesn’t come. They barely even look surprised.
“Wait, you guys aren’t gonna tell me that was a mistake?” I ask.
“Do you feel like it was?” My mom questions, and I don’t even have to think about my answer.
“No. I love her.” My reply is instantaneous and confident. I don’t think marrying Aurora was a mistake at all. Was it soon and maybe a little crazy? Sure. But not a mistake.
“Then what is the issue here, son?” Dad asks and I drop my head back to stare at the ceiling as if it holds all the answers.
