Page 50 of Maddox
Petey drags that old ratty bear everywhere. It could be in the car, for all I know and I’m not about to go searching for it in the dark but if I don’t intervene, this could be disastrous.
“Here, Petey,” I say. “Hot chocolate. You’re fav-or-ite.”
I sing the last, but my poor brother is tired and crankiness lines his face as he pushes away from my mom, his little legs flailing. Unfortunately, when he does, she drops him to the ground and barks, “Petey.”
My chest clenches when his lower lip wobbles and I point to the sky, saying, “Look Mom. A shooting star.”
“Oh,” she breathes, clapping her hands. “It’s just like I remember.”
With no clue what she’s talking about, I turn to my brother and crouch before him. When he shakes his head, I silently sigh before fake growling, “Drink your chocolate, before the tickle monster comes out to tickle you.”
His giggle makes me smile and I grab him up before he can run. After wrapping the blanket around him I plop into one of the lawn chairs while Mom twirls around the backyard, her pretty red hair a halo around her head.
Meanwhile I sing a quiet lullaby to my brother, who eases into my arms with a loud yawn.
When Petey’s eyes begin to droop, I pull the edges of the blanket around his body.
“Lay?” he whispers.
“Yeah,” I hum, smoothing his hair back from his forehead.
“Love you,” he says.
“Love you too. Goodnight, Petey.”
I can still feel his tiny body resting against mine and the scent of his baby shampoo lingers in my nose.
I forgot all about that night several years ago and when Maddox shifts below me, I pop back to the present.
Maybe it’s the constant fatigue dogging me or because I feel so achingly lost but a lump forms in my throat and I press my palm to my chest.
Why do I push these memories away? They’re all I have left.
“What is it?” Maddox asks, but I shake my head because he brought me all the way out to this pretty place to stargaze and I don’t want to ruin it by crying.
Still, the tears leak from my eyes anyway and he cups my chin. “Princess?”
“Sorry,” I mumble, wiping my eyes. “I was just remembering something from a long time ago…”
I wish I could go back to that day because I would hold him a little bit longer, squeeze him a little bit tighter and tell him, even if he was too young to understand, just how much I love him, but I can’t.
He’s gone…for-fucking-ever.
“Del–”
“S-Sorry,” I say again and bury my face in his neck as the insidious grief rolls through me again and again.
That’s the thing with loss. It clings to your shoulders ready to wrap around your throat and reminds you of what you no longer have with each breath you try to take.
When Maddox’s arms tighten around me, I burrow deeper, closing my eyes while he rocks me gently in his warm, strong arms.
I wish I could steal some of that strength because I feel like a limp noodle when I finally come back to my senses and roll to my back to cover my cheeks.
Oh my god. What did I just do?
“I’msosorry,” I mumble, and the deep timbre of his chuckle warms my insides.
“Why are you sorry?”
