Page 121 of Finding Denver
“Is it my sass? It’s my sass, isn’t it?”
He laughs and comes to sit beside me. “Yes.” We’re quiet for a moment, maybe each lost in our own memories or the busyness of our days. “I’ll always regret not fighting harder for you.”
Tears immediately fill my eyes. “Please don’t say that. You’ve done so much for me?—”
“I could have done more. I should have.”
“I wouldn’t have left,” I say, and he meets my eyes. “Ranger was too deep in my brain. Even if my dad had begged me to leave him, I don’t think I would have.”
Time. Distance. Context. The space to see that Ranger had branded my heart and made me believe I only deserved him. No one could have pulled me away. Even Ethan, a good man, couldn’t.
I had to leave to realize it was what I wanted.
“I want you to be happy. I want Colt to be happy.” He shakes his head. “It kills me that you’re both walking away from this.”
“I watched someone I cared about die,” I say, focused on my hands. “I had the chance to set him free, and I didn’t,and now he’s dead. My choices led him into Wilder’s path, and I’ll never forgive myself for being selfish and allowing myself to fall for a man who deserved so much more than to die like he did.” A tear falls, and I breathe deeply before wiping it away. “I know what Ranger is capable of, and I know what he’ll do to Colt. And even if he somehow let this go, I can’t forgive Wilder.”
I want to. I wish I could be the bigger person and look Wilder in the eyes, but seeing him today was a reminder of the hate that’s taken root in my heart. If I leave now, Colt can be a memory. A wonderful part of my life that made me realize that men can be good, and fathers kind, and husbands loving. Colt is proof that goodness exists even in the men pushed closest to the edge, and I needed that from him. A reminder. A snapshot. A reason.
Finn kisses my temple. “There will always be reasons and fear standing between you and love. A different country and a different man won’t change that.” He stands and goes to the door. “Are you coming tonight? Christmas lights and ice-skating.”
Wesson wanders into the room and hops up onto the bed.
I did want to go tonight, even if it was just to see Holly, but after seeing Wilder and the tense conversation with Alistair, I think I need a break.
“I might just have a movie night with Lewis and Wesson,” I say, stroking Wesson’s head as he pants. “Have fun, though.”
Finn nods and knocks his knuckles against the doorframe. “You know where we are if you change your mind, kid.”
Chapter 33
Colt
“Coat.”
Holly nods. “Check.”
“Scarf.”
“Check.”
“Gloves?”
She searches her pockets. “Uncheck.”
“Check,” Wilder says, handing them to her. She puts them on, wiggling her fingers, and he crouches down to kiss her cheeks. “Have fun, okay? Take lots of pictures.”
“You sure you’re not up to coming?” I ask him.
“Nah, I’m gonna head to Mom’s and be the good son. Can you drop Holly off after?” he asks, and I nod. “Have fun without me.”
Christmas lights in the city. A yearly tradition, one Holly loves. One Amy did, too. It’s always freezing, expensive, and tiring, but if we ever missed it, it wouldn’t feel like Christmas.
“Have fun freezing your ass off,” Wilder mumbles at me, and I give him the finger before putting on my owngloves.
I haven’t heard from Denver. I’ve called and texted, but she hasn’t responded. Finn told me she isn’t coming tonight, either. She leaves in a week, and I don’t know whether to go to her one last time. We can’t leave it like we did, but I also can’t force it.
It takes forever to get into the city, and the snow doesn’t make it any easier. But Holly is talking a mile a minute, so she keeps me entertained. I watch out the window as the snow twists and curls, the lights from the store windows reminding me that it really is almost Christmas.
