Page 14 of A Perfect Christmas with Chaos
I’ve made mistakes.A lot of them.Your mom and lettin’ her slip through my hands being the biggest.
When I found out that I had another kid, a child born from the love me and your ma shared, I think it made one of the top five best days of my life.I immediately wanted to know about you.Everything.I wanted to meet you.But because of who I am and the wrong choices I’ve made, I knew right away that wouldn’t be possible.You’re better off without me in your life.
I was both relieved and scared as fucking hell when I found out you were with the HOCs.You don't know this, and Smoke doesn't either, but I sent him to you.I sent your brother too.I thought it would only take one look at you for my secrets to be laid bare and for them to somehow see you as one of us.
For you, I was willing to let my and your ma’s secret out and hurt my oldest friend.Because if there was a chance he would protect you, then it was worth it.Maybe you don’t believe me.Maybe it looks like a coincidence.And that’s okay.The only thing that matters is that you’re safe now and have a man who will protect you and a club at your back.
There was one other point to writing this letter, and now that my wife has passed from this world, I can finally make contact with you and tell you that the woman who’s responsible for your mom disappearing on you has been punished by God for it.
That’s all I can say.That and your moms isn’t coming back darlin’.
I’m sorry.So fucking sorry.
It’s my fault.All of it.I didn’t ever lay a hand on your mom, but I’ll take all the blame just the same, because it would have never happened had I not fallen in love with her.Had I not pursued her.Had I not begged her to be brave and love me back.
I’m sorry.
I wish I could go back.Change things.
I wish I could know you.
But I’d rather have you live and raise beautiful babies and be happy and healthy.So I think the best thing to do now is say goodbye and wish you a good life.A full life.
Should you ever need another army at your back...your brother and the other Greenbacks are only a call away.
With all the love in my heart,
D.P.
***
SOMETIME during themiddle of reading the letter for the third time, as the sobs tear out of me, Mav’s arms slide around me.He pulls me close.Holds me tightly.And whispers loving words into my ear.
He growls that he’ll kill him, my father, for ruining our first Christmas.He says he already warned him that if he ever so much as made contact with me, he’d bury him.
I appreciated Mav’s words, and a small part of me questions if maybe this whole thing is one big lie or a way for my father to hurt me yet again.
But deep in my heart, it reads true.And though a huge part of me is crying for a mother I now know is dead, a very small part of me is also consoled by finally knowing what happened to her, and that she didn’t leave me by choice.I will finally be able to close this open chapter of my life.A chapter I’ve never been able to close before.Not really.
It seems only fitting, going into the new year with Mav, our new family, and our new baby, that I leave the past behind.Warner.My mother.My guilt about Sunny, and taking over my role from her as Will’s mom.
I decide right then and there, this will be my New Year’s resolution.To let go of the hurt holding me back and welcome a future of happiness.All the happiness that I know is coming my way with Mav, Will, and this baby.
I will welcome it with open arms.I will embrace tomorrow.Every.Single.Day.Of.It.And though I won’t forget...I will forgive and move forward.
Mav tilts my face up.He’s about to ask if I’m okay.Before he can, I whisper yes, that I love him and I want him to love me like only he can.
I don’t have to ask twice.Mav wipes my tears away and trails kisses over where they fall down my cheeks.He picks me up and carries me to our bedroom.After laying me down in our bed, he tells me he’ll be right back, and he leaves for a little bit to take care of Will and tuck her into bed.When he returns, Mav does his best to erase thoughts of my mother and father.
He shows me for hours why we are and will always be the perfect match for each other.That this was always my path.And that after fighting through the hell we both went through to find each other, in the end, it was all worth it.
––––––––
May your journey always be justified by a worthy ending.
