Page 78 of Cut up
So you can talk to me if you’d like, or I can give you the number for the therapist my mum made me see. Just don’t turn away help, especially if you need it.”
I didn’t really think about the way Sean treated me as abuse before. But I remember the fear I felt when he’d punch a wall near me, afraid that one day it might be my face instead. The way he used to yell, to belittle me. I still flinch sometimes, scared I’ll say the wrong thing and trigger the people around me.
“Yeah… maybe that would be a good idea, Lucas. Talking might help. Maybe not right now, but… I think I’d like your therapist’s details. I might need some help working through it all.” I need to talk to someone. I know I can trust Lucas, but I don’t want to dump everything on him.
It’s something I need to work through on my own. What I do need to do though, is to talk to my dad.
When Lucas starts driving us home, I pull my phone out of my handbag and send him a quick message. We’ve been texting more lately since I’ve been purposely making myself busy whenever he calls. I haven’t told him everything that’s been going on. My dad is fiercely protective. If I told him I needed him, he’d be on the next flight back, no questions asked. It’s time he knew.
Me: Hey Dad, can I call you soon? X
He replies instantly.
Dad: Ofcourse, whenever Bug xo
My relationship with my dad used to be… complicated. I feel like I barely knew him as a kid.
My mum didn’t tell him about me straight away. They were just friends when she got pregnant. She had me at seventeen, and he had just joined the army as an apprentice electrician.
She didn’t want to burden him with a baby when he was about to chase his dreams.
By the time she told him I existed, he was already gone and so were his parents.
He came back as often as he could, but not enough for me to really know him.
He wasn’t ready to be a dad—too young, too busy.
Then Mum died.
Everything changed.
He took time away from his work and stepped into the role of a single parent overnight. He went through my awful teenage years and never gave up on me.
We grew really close.
Once I was older, he re-enlisted and went back.
He’s due to come home again soon.
I miss him more than I realised.
When we pull up outside the house, I turn to Lucas. “I’m going to my room to call my dad.”
He nods, and I head inside.
The phone rings only once before he picks up.
“Hey Bug! How ya going?” His deep voice wraps around me like a blanket, soothing and familiar.
“Dad! I miss you.” My voice breaks a little. “I’m okay… I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Bug, I miss you too. You only okay?” he asks, like he already knows there’s more.
“I’m good, really. Things are getting better. But… they weren’t okay. Not for a while.” I hesitate. “I left Sean.”
“Shit Bug. I never liked that kid,” he says, firm but calm. “What happened?”
“He wasn’t good to me, Dad. I tried to deny it, to everyone and even to myself. But I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry while you were over there. But I handled it. I left.”
