Page 87 of Songbird: Black Kite
“When will you know for sure?” she asked, her eyes now also on the envelope, as though she could see the contents through sheer will alone. “I don’t want to get my hopes up until you’re sure.”
“Get your hopes up?”
My mother lifted her head, looking at me like I was the world’s biggest idiot.
“Yes, Hawk. Get my hopes up. You don’t think you can come here and tell me that I may have a grandbaby out there in the world and not have me get excited about it, do you?”
“I...uh, didn’t actually know what you’d think.”
“Shame on you, Hawk Jameson. Thinking that I’d do anything but love any child of yours. How old is this baby? You haven’t been on tour in a while.”
“She’s, um, she’s fourteen, Mom.”
“Fourteen!” she exclaimed, pressing her hand to her chest. “Goodness, she’s not a baby at all, is she? Where is she? Tell me about her.”
I swallowed, more than a little shocked by her reaction, but I flipped the envelope open and pulled out the stack of photos that Charlie had provided.
“She’s in a tiny town in Minnesota,” I said, laying down one of the photos. It was the same one I’d started with, the one of a smiling girl standing outside her school.
“Oh, Hawk,” she said, lifting her hand to cover her mouth. “Hawk, look at her, baby.”
I did. I had been. Every day, for hours, I sat staring at the photos and trying to decide what to do. I felt in my heart that I needed to know her, know them. But my head told me that I needed to put their best interests first, and there were a lot of reasons why that wasn’t me.
“She is your child, Hawk. I’d bet my life on it.”
“I think so, too, Mom,” I whispered, feeling my heart pound in my chest.
“What’s her name?”
“Cooper,” I said with a smile, because it was such a badass name for a girl, and something that Wren would absolutely have done.
“Oh, that’s so lovely. Cooper.” Mom stared down at the photo, her fingers lightly tracing over Cooper’s face, as though trying to commit it to memory before she spoke again. “How did this happen?” she asked, but raised a hand before I could answer. “Not that part. I know howthatpart happened.” She smiled cheekily at me before continuing. “I mean, how has it taken so long for you to find out about her? What happened to keep you all apart?”
“That’s the part I’m still trying to work out,” I admitted. “There’s a lot happening in the background right now, and I’m just trying to determine if I should disrupt their lives or not.”
“Disrupt their lives? What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m not exactly a prize these days.” Sitting back from the table, I ran my fingers through my hair, which was longer than usual and in desperate need of a cut. “I’m a washed-up has-been with more baggage than an airport. I have some skeletons in my closet, and I’m just not sure if inserting myself into their lives is the best thing for them.”
Returning to the pile of photos, I pulled out some more, ones of Wren and Cooper together. There was one of them walking through a park, Wren smiling and Cooper rolling her eyes at whatever Wren had just said. Another of them in the car together, not talking, but just existing in silence. The next was taken through their kitchen window, the slight blurriness of the image hinting at a long-range lens. It showed the two of them sitting at the table, eating a simple dinner that Wren had probably cooked, talking like every other normal family.
“They’ve built something together, Mom. The two of them. I’m not sure that what I have to offer is worth ruining that for them. Maybe I should just send them some money and leave them alone.”
The thought was like a dagger to my chest. I hated the idea of never knowing Wren and her daughter. Hated the idea that I would only make their lives worse, but given everything that my life was, I couldn’t deny that it was a distinct possibility.
“Now you listen to me. You are more than just your money, Hawk. You have so much to offer people, so much love inside you. How could you be anything but a blessing to these girls?”
“My life is messy. I have paparazzi and reporters that still follow me around most days. Imagine what would happen if people found out about Cooper? The media is hard on women, Mom. They’re hard on everyone, but especially women. I can’t do that to them, can I?”
“That right there is exactly why you should,” she insisted. “Because you’re already putting them first. You don’t even know if she’s really yours, and your first instinct is to protect her. That’s exactly what a father does and you’re doing it without thought.”
I sat there, staring at the photos that were splayed across the table, and weighed her words.
She was right, I did want to protect them, even if it was from myself.
“Hawk,” she went on when I didn’t speak for a while. “I know you didn’t have a good example of a dad growing up, and that’s on me and my poor choice. But you are proving right now that you have what it takes. You can offer these girls so much more than just money. I think you should really consider that before you write off the opportunity to get to know them.
“You would never be someone’s poor choice, Hawk.”
