Page 45 of The Billionaire Submissive
Sweetheart, I miss nothing. Nothing at all.
“Before the diagnosis, we were already worried we were going to lose him. He was into the wrong crowd at school, getting into trouble. Petty theft, vandalism, teenage rebel stuff, but definitely the wrong road. Then he got so sick and after months of chemo and hospitals and more chemo… It was like he woke up and had another chance at life. Even if he didn’t make it, he decided he was going to live what he had left with no holds barred. He managed to graduate from high school before he got too sick. At the worst, he married his high school sweetheart. Even if he died in a week, a month, they were determined to share what time he had left. I really think Sherri helped save him. She was right there with him, pulling him along, strengthening him, encouraging him. It was beautiful.”
It took all his willpower not to reach over and take her hand again. But the slightly breathy quality to her voice—and the fact she hadn’t dared another bite of the soup—told him she was too emotional. Too close to breaking control. And he didn’t want to do that to his Lilly.
“I had to stop and look at my life. I was in a job I hated. I was engaged to a guy I didn’t love. Not the way Sherri and Benjamin loved each other. The kind of love that said I’m going to love you even if this is horrible. Even if it kills me when you die. I don’t know if I can live without you and I don’t care. I can’t waste a single moment now.”
He hadn’t known she was engaged. Somehow, he couldn’t picture this shadow man. Had he been a submissive? Vanilla? A macho man or someone quiet and intelligent? Did it even matter?
“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I walked away from everything. I quit my job. Dumped the fiancé. And started over. I took control of my life and cut out everything that didn’t complete me or support me or make me happy. Along the way, I found Mistress L and I never looked back.”
“So your fiancé didn’t know about the Mistress,” he finally said. He didn’t want her to think he was jealous. Not like that.I just need to know what he failed to do so I don’t make the same mistakes.
“I didn’t know about the Mistress, so he sure didn’t. It just…” She sighed heavily and gave him a smile that fought not to be tired and weary and cynical. “On paper, we were a perfect fit. I probably could have married him and been okay. Two kids, our white collar jobs, a Suburban for hockey trips. My family liked him and my brother never completely forgave me for dumping someone he’d already adopted as an older brother. I hurt them both and disappointed my parents, even though they did support my decision. No one understood. Honestly, I don’t completely understand to this day. It just wasn’t right. I didn’t feel…”
“Whole.”
She nodded, her eyes going soft and distant as she looked back into her past. “Yeah. Something was missing. It was slowly killing me and I didn’t even know what it was. If I’d been older, I would have said it was a mid-life crisis.”
Like I felt until you, Lilly.But he didn’t say it. Not yet. She still needed time to process everything, but once he’d hit his knees today, he’d known.
Actually, he’d known when he looked at her picture and seen the incredible light in her eyes.
It’s time to put the sparkle back in those beautiful starry eyes. And keep it there. Whatever it takes.
She changed the subject. “Were you ever engaged?”
“I was actually married many years ago.”
Finally her spoon started moving again. “What was she like?”
Donovan shrugged. “Society princess. Beautiful, wealthy, cultured. On paper we were the perfect merger and between us we killed more trees for the pre-nup than it takes to launch an international company from scratch.”
She smiled and took another bite.
“Be glad you didn’t make the same mistake, Lilly. It’s horrible to be married to someone who only sees half of you. Who never touches that private, intimate heart aching for comfort and love. She didn’t even know it was there. Didn’t care. If she could see me now…”
It was her turn to reach over and squeeze his hand. “Would she be shocked at your wicked secret desires?”
“Horrified. Appalled. She’d probably faint dead away.”
“Good riddance. Did you ever tell Mrs. Morgan you loved her?”
He almost choked on his soup. Wiping his mouth on his napkin gave him a second to gather his thoughts. “I honestly don’t remember. I asked her to marry me and she agreed. We never professed undying love for each other. That kind of star-struck passion wasn’t part of our relationship.”
Nodding, Lilly settled back in her chair to wait on the next course. “It’s expected, right? You kiss the little wife on the way to work and say in passing, ‘Love you, dear.’ I was the same way with Michael. I cared about him. I was willing to sleep with him. So of course I loved him, right? But in the end, I didn’t. Not the kind of love I decided I wanted.”
“The kind your brother has.”
“Yeah.” Eyes solemn and heavy, she looked at him and smiled, but it was tinged with sadness, like a dream she’d once had that could never ever be. “So I decided I wouldn’t ever tell another person I loved them unless I really meant it. Like I felt when I found out my brother was dying. When I pictured what our family would be like without him. When I saw the way he smiled at his sweetheart in front of the altar even though he didn’t have any hair from the chemo treatments and he was so weak he had to sit for part of the ceremony. I’ll have that love and nothing else.”
She meant to warn him off, but she might as well have waved a red flag in front of his nose.Then that’s exactly what I’m going to give you, sweetheart.
Her head tipped to the side, her eyes pleading with him to understand. Her smile wobbled just a little, as if she’d be sad to see him headed in the opposite direction.Actually, that’s exactly what she expects. She thinks I’ll have a few good nights with Mistress L and then go on my merry way. In her mind, she’s already preparing to say goodbye.
Like hell.
You’ve underestimated the wrong man, Lilly.
