Page 6 of Certified Pressure 3
When it was time to close the casket, I thought I was ready, but the second the lid came down, I felt my heart fold in on itself. That was my boy. That was my blood, and just like that, I wasn’t gon’ see his face again. I pressed my lips together so hard they almost bled. Pops tightened his grip on my shoulder. Mama leaned her head against my arm. Ka’mari buried her face in her mother’s chest. The room blurred around me, and I don’t even know how I stayed standin’.
They didn’t bury my son in the ground. I wasn’t lettin’ that happen. Instead, they placed the casket inside a crystal tomb built into the wall, surrounded by carvings of angels and lions, with light shinin’ down from above like the sun itself was watchin’ over him. It looked like a castle for the smallest king, and that’s what I wanted. My son wasn’t gon’ rest in no dirt. He was gon’ rest in somethin’ sacred, and eternal. I pressed my hand against the glass one last time, leavin’ my fingerprint there before they sealed it.
When the service ended, me and Ka’mari walked out together. I felt eyes on me from every direction, but I didn’t meet nobody’s gaze. Her father was standin’ by the exit, and he tried to nod again. I walked right past him like he was invisible, my hand locked with Ka’mari’s. I wasn’t wastin’ no energy on a nigga who never gave me none. We stepped into the car, the driver closin’ the door behind us.
The ride back to the mansion was quiet. Ka’mari leaned her head on the window, tears slidin’ down her face. I held her hand the whole time, my thumb rubbin’ over her knuckles even though she barely responded. I wanted to say somethin’, but the words wouldn’t come. There wasn’t no sentence strong enough to fill that silence.
When we finally got back, the house felt colder than it ever had before. I led Ka’mari upstairs to my room. She moved slow, her heels clickin’ against the marble, her body heavy like shewas draggin’ all the grief in the world with her. Once we got inside, I reached to help her out of her dress, but she shook her head, puttin’ her hand up to stop me. Tears were rollin’ down her cheeks nonstop. She kicked her heels off, climbed into the bed, and curled into a ball like she was tryin’ to disappear inside herself. Her sobs filled the room until eventually they turned into the sound of her breathin’ uneven in sleep.
I stood there lookin’ at her, feelin’ more helpless than I ever had in my life. I could buy diamonds, I could build empires, I could make niggas bow down to me, but I couldn’t take her pain away. I couldn’t bring my son back. I sat down on the edge of the bed, my hands coverin’ my face, my whole body heavy. For the first time in a long time, I felt powerless, and that was the shit that kept cuttin’ me the deepest.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
It had been months since me and Ka’mari lost our son and I was still tryna figure out how to breathe right without feelin’ like I was dyin’ every time I closed my eyes. Some days I thought I was gettin’ better, thought I could walk around my own house without hearin’ Kamir’s name echo in my head, but then somethin’ would hit me—Ka’mari cryin’ in the middle of the night, an empty crib I had sent back to the warehouse, or just silence too loud for me to handle, and I’d realize I was lyin’ to myself. That shit broke us in ways I didn’t even know we could break.
Ka’mari wasn’t the same no more. She moved around like a ghost, driftin’ in and out my place like she ain’t even know if she belonged here. She ain’t eat much, she didn’t smile, and most of the time she avoided lookin’ me in my face. I let it slide ‘cause Iknew grief looked different on everybody, but somethin’ in my spirit had been buzzin’ for weeks, tellin’ me somethin’ wasn’t right. She kept disappearin’ for hours, sayin’ she had errands, then comin’ back lookin’ pale and jumpy. I noticed her eyes red some nights from cryin’. And then I started thinkin’ about lil’ shit, like how she hadn’t said nothin’ about her period, how her body looked different when she changed clothes and how she kept holdin’ her stomach without even realizin’ she was doin’ it.
I ain’t gon’ front. My gut told me she was pregnant again. My heart wanted it to be true, even if I knew that would scare the hell outta Ka’mari. I ain’t even know if I was ready for another baby, but the thought of it gave me somethin’ to hold on to. Somethin’ that felt like maybe God ain’t hate me as much as I thought He did.
That night I was sittin’ on the edge of my bed, rollin’ up, just tryna calm my head. The house was quiet except for the water runnin’ in the bathroom. Ka’mari had been in there too long. I ain’t know what it was, but somethin’ in me jumped. My body moved before my mind caught up, and I was on my feet pushin’ the door open.
What I saw made my heart damn near explode.
Ka’mari was leaned over the sink with a pill bottle in her hand, and I caught her throwin’ back a couple of them, her throat workin’ like she was swallowin’ poison. My stomach flipped.
“Ka’mari, the fuck is you doin’?!”
I rushed her, snatchin’ her wrist so hard the bottle clattered against the counter. She gasped, tryin’ to turn away, but I was already in her face. I grabbed her by the throat, not to hurt her but to make her spit that shit back up. She gagged, coughin’, her eyes wide as she clawed at my wrist. I was shakin’ her, beggin’ and threatenin’ her stupid ass at the same time.
“Spit that shit out, Mari! Spit it the fuck out!”
But I knew from the look in her eyes it was too late. The pills was already gone, slidin’ down into her stomach, killin’ somethin’ I ain’t even had the chance to meet yet.
Rage shot through me so quick I couldn’t control it. I let her go, turned, and swung at the mirror. Glass shattered everywhere, shards rainin’ down on the sink and blood pourin’ out my knuckles like somebody turned on a faucet. My reflection was gone, broken into pieces, and maybe that was the realest shit ‘cause I felt broken too.
Blood dripped onto the marble counter, slidin’ down the edge, stainin’ the white floor. My hand was on fire, but I ain’t feel nothin’ except betrayal. My voice tore outta me raw.
“What the fuck did you just do? Huh? What the fuck did you do, Ka’mari?”
She was cryin’ hard now, her hands shakin’ as she tried to grab mine, seein’ the blood runnin’ down my arm. “Pressure, please?—”
“Nah, shut the fuck up! Don’t ‘please’ me. Tell me right now what the fuck you just did!”
She backed up against the wall, her face wet, her whole body tremblin’. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t go through that again with you. I can’t lose another baby like Kamir. I can’t.”
Her words cut deep, but they ain’t stop the fire in me. I stepped toward her, blood sprayin’ when I pointed at her stomach. “So you think the answer was to kill mine? You think you get to make that muthafuckin’ choice without me? You gon’ look me in my eyes after everything we been through and tell me you just threw my baby away like that?”
She sobbed so loud it bounced off the walls. “I was scared, Pressure! I can’t breathe sometimes! I can’t sleep! I see him in my dreams every night. I couldn’t do it again, I can’t carry that pain?—”
I slammed my fist into the wall next to her head, glass cuttin’ deeper into my skin, blood streakin’ across the paint. “And you think I ain’t hurt too? You think losin’ my son didn’t fuck me up? You think I don’t wake up every night hearin’ him cryin’ even though he never even got the chance? You think I ain’t dyin’ inside every time I look at you and remember what we lost? But I was willin’ to fight through that shit! I was willin’ to try again. And you took that from me.”
She slid down the wall to the floor, coverin’ her face with her hands, her whole body shakin’ like she was freezin’. I stood over her, my blood dripplin’ onto her arm, my heart poundin’ so loud I couldn’t even hear myself think. I wanted to grab her and shake her until she understood what she just did, but somethin’ in me froze. I knew if I touched her again in that moment, I might do life in prison.
She looked up at me finally, her eyes wide with fear, and that’s when I realized she wasn’t just scared of what she had done. She was scared of me.
“Mari,” I said, my voice breakin’ even though I tried to keep it strong, “you really just killed my baby.”
She scrambled to her feet, pushin’ past me, and ran out the bathroom. I didn’t chase her, ‘cause I couldn’t. My chest felt too heavy. My knees gave out, and I leaned against the sink, watchin’ my blood pool on the floor. My reflection was gone, with just shards of glass showin’ pieces of my face… pieces of my life.
