Page 86 of Certified Pressure 3
My birthday came next, and Kashmere went all out. She threw a private party at The Monarch Lounge in Drahma Town. Everybody who mattered in Trill-Land came through. Therewas champagne fountains, luxury cars lined up and cameras everywhere. Kashmere danced like she had somethin’ to prove, and I played my part. I smiled, toasted, took pictures, but none of it hit me the same. I went home that night with noise in my head that wouldn’t stop. I laid next to her, lookin’ at the ceiling, and all I could think about was Pluto and the baby.
When Zurie’s birthday came around, I told Pluto I wasn’t missin’ it for nothin’. She agreed to let me take her to Disney World for the day, and that trip was one of the best days I had in a long time. I rented out a section of the park so it wouldn’t be too crowded, brought a few of my lil’ cousins, and we rode every ride Zurie was tall enough to get on. She wore a sparkly Minnie Mouse outfit and held my hand the whole time. Her laugh kept echoin’ through the air, loud and pure, and I realized how much I needed that sound.
She pointed at every toy and snack she saw, and I bought it all, from stuffed animals, balloons, cotton candy, necklaces, anything she wanted. Watchin’ her joy made me feel good. I couldn’t even lie—that lil’ girl had my heart.
Pluto texted me that night to thank me for makin’ her day special. I told her she didn’t owe me nothin’. Zurie mine too, and I didn’t give a fuck what nobody said about it.
Therapy kept me halfway sane through all of it. I would sit there talkin’ about how torn I felt, how guilty I was for wantin’ to keep everybody happy. The therapist told me I was tryin’ to fix things that couldn’t exist at the same time, and maybe she was right, but I wasn’t built to leave nobody hangin’. I had too much history with Kashmere to just walk off, and too much love for Pluto to let her feel alone.
The weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, the weddin’ was one week away. Everything was set—the venue, tux, rings, guest list... Everything.
Kashmere was glowin’ like she already won, talkin’ about honeymoons and new houses, and I just nodded along. But late at night, when it was quiet, I would pull out my phone and scroll through the videos of Pluto laughin’, Zurie singin’ in the background, and my son kickin’ through her belly. That’s what kept me grounded.
Pluto’s belly had gotten bigger, round and full, and every time I touched it, my chest got warm. I would rub her stomach slow while she talked about names, and watchin’ the way she smiled when she said “he.” I couldn’t describe that kind of peace if I tried.
Sometimes Zurie would crawl up on the couch beside us and press her hand on Pluto’s stomach too. She would say she could feel her baby brother-nephew movin’, and Pluto would laugh. I would look at both of them and think,this right here is home.
I ain’t know how to explain it to nobody. Not my mama, not the therapist, not even myself. I was a man caught between loyalty and love.
Now, I had a week left before I was supposed to marry a woman who already tried to leave this world once, and another woman carryin’ the life that was connected to my soul. I kept tellin’ myself I was gon’ figure this shit out before the vows, but deep down, I knew nothin’ about this shit was simple.
Still, every time I saw Pluto, every time I rubbed that belly and heard Zurie call my name, I knew what I wanted. I just wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to choose it.
The Laurent Therapy Center
Today, I was sittin’ in my therapist’s office talkin’ about all the shit I wouldn’t talk to nobody else about. Dr. V sat acrossfrom me with her legs crossed, holdin’ that lil’ notebook she always carried but barely wrote in anymore. I guess she realized after a few months that I wasn’t one of them people you could figure out on paper. You had to just sit with me and let me talk when I was ready.
I leaned back on the couch with my palms pressed together, starin’ at the floor. “Tomorrow’s the big day,” she said with that calm voice of hers. “How do you feel about getting married?”
I looked up at her for a second then back down. “I don’t know,” I said. “That’s the thing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now.”
“You don’t sound excited,” she said.
“I mean, I’m not ungrateful or nothin’, but excited ain’t the word. I been through too much to be excited right now. I lost a baby with Ka’mari, got a woman pregnant who I actually love, and I’m still about to marry Kashmere. How the hell I’m supposed to be excited?”
Dr. V nodded slow like she already knew where I was headed. “Why do you think you’re marrying Kashmere?”
“Because I owe her that much,” I said, my voice low. “After everything she did, after she tried to take her own life, I couldn’t just walk off. Just seein’ her laid out. She ain’t look like herself. Her lips was pale, her hands cold and… I don’t even like talkin’ about it. But since then, I told myself I was gon’ make sure she never feel like that again. That’s guilt talkin’, I know, but that’s where I’m at.”
Dr. V didn’t interrupt. She just let me go on. That’s what made me keep talkin’.
“I ain’t never been good at expressin’ shit,” I said. “You know that, but I been tryin’ with you, and I ain’t gon’ lie, it’s helped. I been sittin’ on a lot of pain since Ka’mari lost that baby. I thought time was gon’ heal it, but it didn’t. I carried it into every situation after that. I carried it into Kashmere, into Pluto andnow, into this damn marriage. It’s like I been tryin’ to make up for that one loss, hopin’ if I fix everybody else, it’ll fix me too.”
She nodded again, then leaned forward. “And has it?”
I shook my head. “Nah. It just made everything worse. Pluto don’t even talk to me no more unless it’s about the baby or Zurie. I don’t blame her. I done put her through a lot, but almost nine months pregnant now, and all her focus is on our child. I respect it, but part of me be wishin’ she would still call just to ask how I’m doin’. That shit sound dumb, right?”
“Not dumb,” Dr. V said. “It sounds human.”
I laughed under my breath. “Yeah, well, I don’t feel human half the time. I feel like I been playin’ every role everybody expect me to play. Son, fiancé, father… provider… But I ain’t been me in a minute. I don’t even know who that is no more.”
Dr. V flipped a page in her notebook but still didn’t write. “Pressure, I want you to listen to me. Not getting married to Kashmere doesn’t make you a horrible person, and marrying her doesn’t make you horrible either. You’re trying to do what you think is right, but right and happy aren’t always the same thing.”
I sat with that for a second, rollin’ it around in my mind. “So what, I’m supposed to just cancel the weddin’ and leave Kash hangin’? Everybody already flyin’ in. Her people, mine, the press. I can’t do that. I can’t embarrass her like that, especially after what she did to herself before. If I leave now, she might not make it through that.”
“You’re carrying guilt, not love,” she said softly. “And guilt can look like responsibility, but it’s really fear. You’re afraid of hurting her, afraid of disappointing your family, afraid of being seen as the bad guy, but what about you? When do you get to stop carrying everybody else and just take care of Pressure?”
Her words sat heavy with me. I rubbed my hands together, starin’ at the floor again. “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I ain’t never learned how to do that.”
