Page 29 of Mahogany 2
He was bold. Crescent didn’t seem to know what a fucking filter was. And I hated it. Because you know what? He’d said exactly what I thought. Every single time Duke did something to hurt me, or piss me off, I was riddled with regret. Wishing this, and that. But life was life, and I was where I was. There was no do overs. No fixing anything. So, I just took it on the chin and carried on with the life altering decisions I made before I was mentally and emotionally mature enough to.
Because Crescent didn’t seem to care about what he said, I refused to acknowledge his silence by asking the questions sitting on the tip of my tongue. Are you listening? What are you thinking about? What? He’d probably take it back there and I didn’t want to go there. Didn’t want to defend the truth. Didn’t want to talk about my marriage. And what if it was something else? What would he say then? I still got a little lost in the fantasy of him possibly remembering me too. I couldn’t help it. It was in the way he talked to me. In the way he looked at me. Shook my hand. Shit like that. But you know what? It could’ve been me and my own familiarity confusing myself.
“You really love what you do,” he said, interrupting me as I rambled about Feng Shui, while my mind sat on something completely different.
Finally, after about ten minutes of completely ignoring his gaze, I looked up at him. Just to look right back down. “I do. Why’d you say that?”
I glanced at him again.
He shrugged. “The way you talk. The way you focus. You love what you do. It’s admirable.”
“Thank you,” I said, as I tapped the Apple pencil on my thigh. “Do you love what you do?”
He shook his head. “I love what, what I do, do for me.” He laughed. “I’m not as passionate. Never had been.”
I drew back a little with furrowed brows. “Really? That’s surprising.”
“Really. There’s nothing exciting about investing,” he sized me up. “Not exactly.”
I swallowed. Crescent was flirting again. After I’d told him it was best to keep things professional. Instead of addressing it, I just took a deep breath and went back to showing him the designs and he went back to watching me instead of the screen. Reminded me of that day at brunch when I couldn’t focus. But unlike him, I didn’t address it. I let him stare and by the end of the meeting, I was sure he hadn’t heard a damn thing I said.
The meeting lasted around two hours. At the end of it, he walked me to my car, and we talked about meeting again in a few days. Before pulling off, I sat there a moment, just watching him up until he got into his car. And even then, I didn’t pull off right away. I sat, thinking about him, thinking about what he’d said and how it made me feel. I just knew at therapy tomorrow I would have a ton to unpack.
The next day,I woke up to the sound of my alarm. Instead of getting right up, I laid there a minute, with my eyes on the ceiling. Another day. Another twenty-four hours to do the same thing I did yesterday and the day before that. Gratitude NeNe.Gratitude. I was grateful. Very grateful but extremely tired despite getting enough rest. Today was going to be a great day. I told myself I’d have a good day every time I woke up. I had to.
With a deep breath, I massaged my temples. I was going back to therapy today though. Despite that, I was still determined to have a good day. However, I was in no rush to tell Chanté about everything. Regardless of needing to talk about everything. Talking to Chanté was like talking to a home girl who wouldn’t sugarcoat shit. She wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. Not when I brought up Duke and not when I brought up Crescent. I was bringing him up. I had to. She knew about him. Knew all about my fixation, too. Talking about him wouldn’t be as hard as talking about Duke though.
I looked over at his side of the bed and sighed. Last night was cool. I came home to a clean house and dinner. It was refreshing. On one hand I felt like he’d made sure things were done because he was trying to get back in the bed, on the other, I felt like he was actually being a decent husband. Duke could do that. He’s done that. Probably should have asked him to sleep with me because I did miss him. But pride wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t want him to think I was giving in to whatever it was that he’d been up to. I was being stubborn because after the talk we had about therapy possibly bringing old feelings up, I believed that could have been the case. Running my hand over his pillow, I thought about letting him back in tonight. After therapy I was sure I’d need some emotional support.
Dragging my hand over my bonnet, I snatched it off and swung my legs to the other side of the bed to get up. The minute my feet touched the carpeted floor, I thanked God. Should have thanked him before I started to complain but I’m human, aren’t I?
Standing, the first place I headed was the balcony doors where I drew the drapes. The sun was bright today. Beaminginto my room, greeting me with a hello I needed. Closing my eyes, I bathed in it before unlocking the door to step outside. The morning breeze greeted me with a hug. Turning, I closed the doors, and I stood there a moment, barefoot to concrete, grounding myself. Sometimes I needed that. Grounding. Most of the time I needed this, a calm breeze and the sun on my skin. It made me appreciate life more. Made me appreciate my routine, despite how mundane it might’ve been to me. I was blessed with another day to chase my dreams and love on my babies, at least.
After standing there for about ten minutes, I made my way back into the house to wake the kids. When I walked into the room, I was greeted by Duke.
“Good morning,” He said, standing there shirtless, holding his towel, about to get in the shower.
I eyed him, smiled and said, “‘Morning.”
It was quiet for a bit before I said, “I was thinking and… I mean… ain’t really no point of you staying in the man-cave anymore. I know the kids are probably starting to notice…”
I couldn’t just say I missed him, huh? Vulnerability was also another struggle of mine. I put on this tough exterior to protect myself. Always had. Well… I wouldn’t say always. I built the armor once I got pregnant with Aubry and so many people had so much to say about it.
“You sure?”
“Yes I’m sure. We don’t need to have a conversation about anything neither. We did that already. I’m just…” I paused and shrugged. “I just want peace.”
“Haven’t you had that?” He asked, with soft eyes. “I’ve been chilling.”
“I have,” I admitted, before looking down at the floor briefly. “I guess I should say I just want some normalcy. Tired of it.”
“I miss you too, Muffin,” he said with a soft smile, knowing me sometimes better than I knew myself.
I smiled back, sucked my teeth, and playfully rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”
“Can I get a hug?” He asked with raised brows.
Instead of answering him, I closed the space between us and embraced him. He held me tight with an exhale that told me he was just as tired of the weirdness as I was. This was what we did. We fought, tension got thick, I went a little quiet, he slept in the man-cave for a few days, and then eventually I started to miss him and forgave him for whatever he did to make me mad. It was a recurring cycle. That recurring cycle I was beyond tired of. All I wanted was for this to be our normal. Peace, contentment, no tension, trust… love. I wondered if we would ever get there.
