Page 30 of Mahogany 2
After embracing for a couple of minutes, I pulled away first with a deep breath. Duke ran his thumb over my jawbone and told me he missed me again. This time, instead of being coy, I told him I missed him too. And I meant it. Words couldn’t begin to truly describe what it was like being married to the man who’d hurt you so many times that being vulnerable, open, and truly in love felt nearly impossible. It was really like being on a seesaw. Needing him but resenting him at the same time was… it was rough.
Duke went for the shower, and I left the room to finally get the kids up. When I walked out into the hallway, I heard music playing at a low level, letting me know that Aubry was already awake. Instead of bothering her, I went ahead and woke the rest of the kids up. Once I got Sparkle up, I headed to Honesty’s room where she was surprisingly already up, rummaging through her dresser for something to wear.
“Good morning bookie. You up early,” I said.
“Good morning mama,” she spoke, pulling a pair of leggings from her dresser. “I set my alarm for five. I wanted to help you out this morning, so I got up early. I made waffles and microwave bacon too. A big plate of it. I put it all in themicrowave to make sure it says warm. I was going to make eggs, but I didn’t want to?—”
“Baby, waffles and bacon is plenty,” I interrupted before pulling her into a hug. “Thank you, sweetie. You didn’t have to do that.”
She looked up at me with a smile, white crust still in her eyes and around her mouth, a cute ass mess. “I know. I wanted to.”
“Thank yousooooomuch, Honesty,” I said before planting a kiss on her forehead.
“You’re welcome,” she softly said, tightening her hold around my waist.
Before she could see the tears building up behind my eyes, I pulled away from the hug, kissed her again, and hurried out of the bedroom. That domino effect I talked about earlier was pretty unsettling. I didn’t want my children to worry about me or put in work behind me. I didn’t need them to do a single thing except for be children. Shit. Who knew something as small as me needing a break would cause this? Honesty was eight—almost nine—worried about making life easier for mommy. Sparkle was almost five, worried about me leaving every time I walked out of the house. Gabe had been distant from his father, checking up on me every so often. The only one who seemed to be normal was Aubry and even that was a red flag. She was numb to it. As the oldest, she’d been around for more, experiencing more, regardless of if Duke and I hid it or not.
With a deep breath, I swallowed, shook my head and walked into the kids bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I rested against it, took another deep breath and finally let the tears I’d been holding back, go. I stood there a minute, silently crying, trying to get it all out before I went back into mommy mode. After about five minutes or so, I took in a deliberate deep breath, held it, and let it out.
“Today is going to be a good day,” I mumbled under my breath, turning to walk out of the bathroom.
Hours later,work was done, and I was heading to therapy. Work went how work goes. Today, I didn’t see Crescent—just worked on a couple of color palates and renders. I ended up leaving work early to have a little time to myself before I had to pour my damn soul out to Chanté at therapy. Spring was in full effect. Today was a beautiful day, sunny, and a little breezy. Perfect for the riverwalk so I had lunch at The Renaissance Center before taking a twenty-minute scroll on the riverwalk. All I did was what I do—think. Overthink. Over analyze. Over plan. Over,everything. About the past, about the future,rarelyabout the present. I just… I was all over the place.
I was dreading therapy. Had come dangerously close to canceling it. I didn’t want to talk about where Duke and I were, Crescent, Judah, or any of it. But I had a lot on my mind and shoving it down never helped. If it did, I wouldn’t have a therapist to begin with.
I didn’t want to talk about Duke for obvious reasons. Didn’t want to talk about Crescent because well… talking about him would be painful. Painful and slightly embarrassing. The man had returned to my life, and I couldn’t have him the way I wanted him. The way she knew I wanted him. Yes, Chanté knew about him. Knew all about that first trip to Pandora’s and the mysterious man in Armani that I spent five years fantasizing about. She knew about Judah too. Thought I’d have a harder time cutting him off than I did. But I proved her wrong. I enjoyed doing that. Proving Chanté wrong. I wanted to do that with Duke and I so bad, but I knew that the moment I wenton about my insecurities and what I did, running out on my birthday party, she’d get to jotting things down, doubting me.
With a sigh, I pulled up at Chanté’s office. Almost instantly, I was flooded with anxiety. I was twenty minutes early and planned to use that time to get my story straight. It wasn’t that serious though was it? It was the talk about Duke that had me on edge. I didn’t want to talk about fear. Didn’t want to talk about insecurities. And most of all, I didn’t want to talk about how he could be right. About marital therapy. About how unburying bones was the cause of my insecurities.
Once I found a spot, I shifted the car into park and pulled the sun visor down to check my appearance. I didn’t want to look stressed. Didn’t want to look like I’d been ruminating. Didn’t want to look the way I felt. And… well… I didn’t. I was very well put together. After the cry I had this morning, I took a deep breath and reached into the deepest part of my soul for that mask. The one that said Mahogany Mills-Morris was A-OK and her daughter trying to make life easier for her didn’t send her into an emotional meltdown. I found it. Jumped cute in one of my favorite Donna Karen pants suits, wand curled my frontal wig and beat my face to perfection. Even added extra blush for a little razzle dazzle. Nothing about the way I looked was telling.
Finally, after a quick touch-up of my lip combo, I got out of the car. With my shoulders pushed back, Birkin in hand, and stride on bad bitch, I walked up to the building, oozing confidence. Chanté wasn’t going to get a rise out of me today. No ma’am! When she hit me with that analytical shit, I would let it roll off of me.
Twenty minutes later, I’d spilled. I didn’t waste any time getting straight to it. I figured, shit, why not just rip the band aid off? She was quiet the whole time and I was grateful. However, her silence did rattle me a bit.
“What do you think?” I asked her, as I continued to pace. I’d been pacing so much that I was sure I’d gotten my steps in for the day.
“What do I think about what?” She asked, staring up at me over her glasses, probably judging me.Definitelyjudging me. If I were one of her friends, she would have had a lot to say. Instead, she sat there quiet, listening, while I rambled for the past twenty minutes. Just… watching me. Hadn’t even picked up her little Apple pencil to jot down notes. Just… sat there, following me with her eyes as I spilled my fucking guts out to her.
I paused and sized her up with a frown. Gesturing, I tossed my hands up. “What do you meanabout what? Everything I just said. I mean… I have been talking for the past twenty minutes, La’Chanté.”
She nodded. “Yes, I know. You have been talking for the past twenty minutes but you’ve switched from topic to topic so many times that it’s been a little hard for me to keep up.”
I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest, leaning on the heel of my Chanel pump. “I told you I had a lot to share. A lot happened.”
“And have you sat with yourself to process it?” She asked, finally grabbing the iPad. “Truly.”
My eyes darted over to it as she pulled that pencil from its holder. “Sat with myself to process it? I told you… I haven’t had time to be alone. Not for real, anyway. Every time I turn around one of them needs something or want to talk. I think I traumatized them. You heard what I said about Honesty and what she did for me this morning? I wasn’t trying to traumatize them, Chanté. I just needed a minute. I can’t get a minute? I mean damn?—”
“Do me a favor, Mahogany. Sit down for me, please.”
I looked over my shoulder at the couch and shook my head. “Too worked up to sit.”
Leaning over to the table beside her, she handed me a pink rubber stress ball with little straggly tassels hanging from it. “Here.”
I looked at it for a couple of seconds before finally taking it. My anxiety was high as hell, and I couldn’t stand it. I said today would be a good day and so far the only good thing that had come out of it was me and Duke reconciling. If I could even call that a good thing.
With a sigh, I finally sat, squeezing that ball.
