Page 38 of Mahogany 2
A few hourslater I was at the hospital, walking down the hallway, heading to Diary’s room. Her nurse was in my ear, giving me the rundown about her aftercare and updating meabout a few things but my head was somewhere else. Rochelle would have to call in and get the information on her for sure because I was barely paying attention. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was just hard for me to focus on anything other than the fact that I was about to pick my daughter up. My daughter. A child I didn’t have with Mahogany. Shit was crazy.
“She’s recovered very well though. The scratches on her face are healing beautifully. I was telling her grandmother that all she needed was a bit of aloe vera gel a day to keep clearing them up,” Nurse Elaine said as she opened the door to the room.
My heart raced crazy against my chest at the sound of laughter and Peppa Pig. Honesty used to love that shit. Hearing the laughter and the reminiscent sound of the show sent a warm sensation of fear down my spine. And just like that I was afraid of something else. Fucking up. Not with my family but with Diary. What if I wasn’t able to give her enough? What if I wasn’t present enough and she ended up with issues? Daddy issues? Without her mother, I would have to put in extra work I really didn’t have time for. It was onmeto make sure Diary grew up happy without neglect. I—shit.
A lump formed in my throat the minute I saw her sitting up in bed with that iPad in her lap. Reminded me of Spark—her ass didn’t move a muscle without that iPad glued to her hand.
“Hi!” Diary said, looking up at us with a bright smile.
“Hi,” I said with a light smile, heart steady racing.
She was lightyears away from the little girl I saw when I visited. The scarring from the crash had cleared up a lot and she was bubbly opposed to the way she was before. Unconscious, hooked up to IV and oxygen. How bubbly she was fucked with me too. I wondered how much she’d change when she asked for her mother, and she never came. I felt for the little girl.Mylittle girl. Suddenly, I didn’t want to leave her side. Could’ve been because when I looked at her I saw Sparkle and thought aboutwhat she would feel if Mahogany died. Could’ve been because Diary was my literal offspring and that was her reality. It was heartbreaking. And despite not knowing her, I didn’t want my child with a broken heart.
“Hi Diary! Did you finish your dinner?” Nurse Elaine asked.
“Yes! I finished!” Diary responded, showing Nurse Elaine her food tray.
“Didn’t like the peas, huh?” Nurse Elaine asked with a smile as she grabbed the tray. Averting her eyes over to the sitter, she said, “Duke, this is Moniece, Diary’s sitter. Moniece this is Duke, Diary’s?—”
“Duke,” I interrupted, stepping forward to shake hands with Moniece. “I’m Duke. A friend of the family.”
Nurse Elaine looked at me with furrowed brows but said nothing. Instead, she smiled and busied around the room, collecting Diary’s things.
With a swallow, I walked over to the bed with a smile. I was timid. Hesitant as fuck. Hadn’t been so close to her with her eyes opened. I felt like shit, referencing Sparkle every time I saw her, but I couldn’t help it. When I looked down at Diary, that’s who I saw. That was why I knew she was mine. With eyes closed she was Sparkle sleeping. With them open, she was her awake. It was as if Erika’s DNA didn’t fight back at all. Diary was all me.
“Hey big girl. I’m Duke.”
To Diary, I was just Duke. For now. I couldn’t be anything else. Not until Rochelle and I sat down with her and told her I was her father together. I didn’t want to confuse her, at all. She was almost three and almost three meant she was smart enough.
She looked up at me with big doe eyes and furrowed brows before looking down at my lingering hand. She was hesitant and I loved it. Told me that Erika raised her to be leery of strangers.
“Hi,” she spoke again, this time a little softer.
“Remember I told you, you were going home today, princess?” Nurse Elaine asked, standing on the other side of the bed. “Mr. Duke is going to take you. Your granny sent him. You want me to call her for you?”
Diary looked from me to Nurse Elaine and shook her head. “Mommy?”
I clinched down on my jaw and looked away with flaring nostrils as the lump in my throat got a little heavier. I wasn’t surprised. Would never be surprised by her calling for her mother. She was two. There was never a time in life where a child didn’t need their mother but at two? At two she needed her bad. Diary still had so much life ahead of her.
Nurse Elaine brushed a hand over Diary’s head and softly said, “Remember what granny said about mommy?”
Diary nodded.
“Okay. So, I’m going to call granny for you, okay?”
“Okay,” Diary said before looking back up at me.
Shit tore me up. There was so much uncertainty in the little girls eyes. I wasn’t sure if Rochelle had told her Erika died or not but what I could see was that she knew mommy couldn’t come right now. At two, did children even understand death? Couldn’t. I had a long ass road of reassurance ahead of me. I’d never had to navigate through parenthood without the other parent. The way I’d been handling everything lately wasn’t just because I didn’t want another child—I didn’t want to do it without the mother. She was dead. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?
Thirty minutes later, I had Diary strapped into a car seat I picked up on the way in. A car seat I’d have to hide. Hide where? I wasn’t sure. I was going with the flow of shit, unsure about everything. The only thing I was dead set on now was being a father to a little girl who barely had anybody.Mylittle girl. I hada lot to digest. A lot to figure out but like I said… I was going with the flow. Literally taking this shit a second at a time.
“You hungry?” I asked, shifting my eyes to her through the rearview mirror.
She was quiet. Had been quiet since she got off the phone with Rochelle. She convinced her to go with me. Told her I was a good person and reassured her that God was always watching over her. I didn’t feel like a good person. Felt like shit. Not only because my wife thought I was working over because of the miscalculations but because initially I hoped for the worse. I wanted my problem to go away. I made peace with God, asked for forgiveness but I hadn’t forgiven myself.
“Yes,” she mumbled.
I glanced at her through the rearview mirror again and asked if she liked McDonalds. She smiled a little and said, “McDonalds. Happy meal.”
