Page 61 of Mahogany 2
“Because,” Mahogany said, the palms of her hand beginning to sweat. “I needed a break. I was… overwhelmed and?—”
“May I ask what brought this on?”
Mahogany took another deep breath and shifted around in her seat. “I thought he was cheating.”
“Why’d you think that?”
“Because he was… acting different. Moving funny. And,” she shrugged. “I don’t know. Just made me think he was cheating again. I mean… we had just talked about the past and the last session did bring up old wounds. Maybe it was that. Whatever it was… I thought he was cheating.”
“And what changed? Why’d you decide to go back?” Nicole asked.
I just sat there. Quiet. Listening. Trying not to say the wrong thing. Trying not to interrupt her while she talked. Trying to be a rock when the conversation was on me was tough though. I wanted to defend myself. Wanted to yell about how I’d never cheat on Mahogany again. Wanted to say therapy did that to us. Was tempted to really speak my mind about it but it wasn’t my time yet and to be completely honest, it wasn’t just therapy’s fault. It was my own. So, speaking up… placing the blame solely on therapy alone… made me uneasy. I was working on lying. Working on keeping shit one hundred and staying a man of my word. If I took the coward way and went on and said this and that about therapy, I wouldn’t be doing that. I’d be taking a cop out.
I did that once already. Didn’t want to keep doing it.
Imade Mahogany insecure.
Not therapy. I could admit that here. Would never say that shit out loud.
“Nothing really changed,” Mahogany said. “I just… I just went home. Had to. For the kids.” Pausing she added, “For Duke too…”
“Mmh,” Mumbled Nikki before shifting her attention to me. “Duke… You’ve been quiet. How did her leaving make you feel?”
I swallowed, shrugged, and said, “I mean…”
“Honestly,” She cut in.
I let go of Mahogany’s hand and rubbed my hands down the front of my pants with another swallow. I wasn’t the best withexpressing myself. I could plead my case and shit but blatantly coming out to talk about how I felt? Nah, I couldn’t really do that. It wasn’t a pride thing. It was a guilt thing. I didn’t feel like I had the right to feel any of the things I felt. The shit that I expressed inwardly? My most intimate thoughts? I couldn’t really verbalize them like that because I didn’t feel like I should. Or… like I could. I was in this predicament because of me.
“I mean…” I restarted. “I feel like…” I shrugged. “She needed some time away. She thought I was cheating. Shit got bad. Her leaving scared the hell out of me, but I understand why she left. I had been moving a little funny and?—”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Duke. But, I asked how you felt about her leaving. You seem to cater to Mahogany’s feelings a lot. While it’s okay to sympathize, it’s not okay to disregard how you feel in the process of it.”
I ran my tongue over the corner of my mouth with a deep breath. “How did it make me feel when she left.” I paused and stroked my beard, hesitating. “Mmmh.”
I was buying time. Trying to calm my nerves. I needed another shot. Wished I would have tossed two back instead of the one. Would have had I known therapy was going to shift to me and my feelings.
“Yeah. How did it makeyoufeel,” said Nikki, reiterating her question.
A second later, I felt Mahogany’s hand on my thigh. I looked over at her, and she gave me a pursed lipped smile of reassurance. I took another deep breath and again shrugged.
“I felt,” I paused and scratched at my cheek. “I felt empty for real. Lost. Confused. Shit like that.”
“Hopeless?” Nikki asked.
I nodded. “Hopeless. I felt like all of the effort I’d been putting in was wasted. Like… shit… she gave up on us without a fight. Without a fair fight.”
Mahogany took a deep breath and in my peripheral I saw her shake her head. She disagreed. I swallowed. Didn’t want therapy to put us in an awkward place. Didn’t want the roses to be for nothing. Wanted to go out to eat after without the tension of therapy wearing us down.
“We don’t have to talk about it though. We already talked about it together. It’s cool?—”
“It’s important for you to be honest with both Mahogany and yourself, Duke. This is marital therapy—not therapy for Mahogany alone. We’re here to help the both of you get through. Okay?”
I appreciated her including me. Just didn’t want to be included. Felt like shit, sitting there talking about how her leaving made me feel. As if I was important in that situation. She left because of me. I didn’t have the right to feel anything at all towards it. I mean, I might’ve had the right to feel… but to talk about it? To shame her for leaving? Nah… I didn’t feel like I had a fair argument for real. Not in therapy. I said what I said before, to get her to see that I wasn’t doing shit for her to leave me but to argue about how itmade me feelwhen she left? Nah… I couldn’t do that.
“Yeah, I hear you,” I said, lightly tugging on my beard. “But I don’t want to sit and talk about me right now.”
“You didn’t talk about you in the last session neither. Duke, do you want to be here?” Nikki asked.
