Page 9 of Mahogany 2
“In order for us to move forward, we have to look backwards. If you didn’t want to do therapy, you could’ve been real and said that.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to do therapy, Ne. I want to do whatever necessary to make us work. I’m sayin… that shit is hard for me. Look at how easy it was for you to go back to thinkin’ I’m cheatin? I think that shit opening up doors we left closed and?—”
“Doorsyouclosed Duke. You think just because you moved forward, I did?” She shook her head, and her eyes glossed over with disgust. “I pushed a lot of shit down and kept moving because shit… what else was I supposed to do? It’s not just us. You—” she paused and tossed her head back against the couch pillows with a light laugh. “Listen… I’m really not trying to do this shit right now.”
I scooted over closer to her, wanting to touch her feet bad as hell. Anywhere on her, for real. I needed some type of contact. Some type of connection. I needed to know she wasn’t as far gone as it felt like she was. I mean, after I put it on the kids that I wasn’t cheating, I saw a little glimmer of hope, but it was snatched right back after I said what I said about the closed door.
“If not right now then when, Mahogany? I told you… tomorrow… shit gon’ flip right back over to the other side unless we talk right now and you know it.”
“I’m just trying to enjoy my little buzz, bro,” she complained. “I don’t have time for this shit man. I really don’t. Talking about the same shit, going through the same shit, listening to the same lies. This shit is dead.”
I drew back. “Dead?”
She locked eyes with me and gutted me when she said, “Doorknob dead, Duke. You think I believe you ‘cause you got desperate and put it on the kids? Nigga, please. If I find out?—”
“Nah, on some real shit… what’s goin on? I just kept it all the way one hundred with you and you still on bullshit, Ne? You fuckin’ somebody else and need a reason to leave? Shit baby if?—”
“Duke suck my ass,” she said, as if I wouldn’t bend her ass over and do just that, gladly. Women said the dumbest shit sometimes. A nigga would be honored to suck on that phat muthafucka.
“Bend over,” I said. “The fuck?”
She sucked her teeth and kicked me. “Get the fuck away from me with that dumb shit. I’m probably fucking someone else. Reverse psychology is dead too. You’ve been doin that for how long? Sayin that for how many years? You think if I was out here fucking someone worth leaving you over, I would need a reason to leave? Tuh! Like you haven’t given me a million reasons to do that already.”
The Caymus, as usual, had her talking crazy to me. And just like before, I was letting the shit slide. I didn’t have room for real to do anything else. She wasn’t lying though. Every time she accused me of cheating or got to moving funny because I had been, I said she was fucking with somebody else. Mahogany had never given me a reason to think she was cheating. She couldn’t. She was mine. Through and through. Loyal to a fault. The pussy and everything else attached to it was mine. I knew what it was. I just needed something to say because what the fuck? She was coming down hard on a nigga.
“Ay look,” I somberly said. “This conversation goin’ nowhere real fast. I’m not even trying to go there with you, Ne. I’m just sayin… we made an agreement to try. Let’s keep tryin’.”
“Keep trying for what, Ducati!?” She yelled. “Hmm? Give me a solid reason to keep trying. Other than time. Other than love.Other than the kids. You ain’t done shit lately but show me that?—”
“Show you what? That tryin’ ain’t easy? Ne, I walk around this bitch every day on eggshells, trying to make sure I don’t step on the one that’s going to make you leave me. You really think I’m out here on dumb shit?” I waved her off, shaking my head. “I been done with that shit, Ne. I’m trying my best out here and you think I’m cheatin ‘cause my work schedule changed up? That’s the only proof you got!? If you want to leave just to leave, just say that ‘cause anything else is just bogus as fuck, my baby.”
Mahogany didn’t say anything for a minute. She just looked at me with this flat expression, and cold empty brown eyes. Shit sent a chill down my spine, for real. I didn’t scare easy. Could handle just about anything thrown at me but Mahogany leaving? Bro, that shit scared the fuck out of me. By the look in her eyes, and the way she’d been moving lately, I’d say she had one foot out the door. And that… Nah… I wasn’t going. I needed both feet planted firmly on solid ground, on the side of the door that I stood on.
With a deep breath and furrowed brows, I leaned in a little and asked the tough question.
I swallowed and rubbed my lips together with a deep breath before seriously asking, “You want a divorce, Ne?”
Again, silence filled the room. She just stared at me. I needed to know what it was. She couldn’t answer, so that was a good thing right? I wasn’t sure if she just couldn’t answer or if she didn’t want to. Didn’t know if she was staring at me, trying to find the words. Or if she was staring at me, thinking about when she’d leave. Didn’t know shit and that shook me too. In that moment, I’d do anything to know what she was thinking. Shit, in every moment. Mahogany was just… man.
“You might be mad, but you don’t want us to end just as much as I don’t,” I said, breaking the awkward silence. I hadto say something, didn’t I? A niggas heart was racing. Plus, I figured her silence meant something right? Mahogany was mad and drunk—she didn’t have a filter when she was either, definitely not when she was both. But her face hardened and off rip, I regretted the route I took.
“How you know that?” She asked, with deeply furrowed brows. “Hm? Just because I didn’t say I wanted a divorce? Duke, I don’t know what the fuck I want!”
“So youdowant a divorce?” I asked. “You?—”
She laughed and tossed her head back against the cushion. Lifting it, I was caught off guard by the tears running down her face. “Nigga! Do you listen? Or is the only thing you give a fuck about is me leaving you? Do you care about the fact that I literally just said five minutes ago that I didn’t want to do this? I literally just told you I wanted to enjoy the rest of my night. Just told you I didn’t know what I wanted but you… like you always do… didn’t give a fuck. You love bringing up divorce but won’t do shit to keep it off the table.”
We’d had the divorce talk before. Of course we did. A nigga cheated more times than I could count. Back then, she’d say yeah. Back then, she was ready to leave but she never did. Back then, she had a reason to. Today, she didn’t. I mean… she did but she didn’t know that. I just wanted shit to work out. I wasn’t trying to disregard what she felt like. A nigga was shook. Just… I just wanted my family to stay intact. As best as possible before the shit hit the fan. I needed some relief. A couple of days of peace. A week at least. Something. I hated how things were shaping out. I was doing my best.
“You seriously think I’m out here cheatin, Ne?” I asked.
She laughed and shook her head. “Damn. How many glasses of wine didyouhave?”
“What?”
“Nothing, Duke,” she said with a sigh, kicking her legs from underneath her bottom. “You have a good night. Sleep in the man-cave?—”
“I’m not sleepin in no fuckin’ man-cave, Ne,” I interrupted. “I ain’t even do shit.”
