Page 46 of Sexy Beginnings
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lucy
It’s been one month.
One month of being a living, walking, corpse.
That’s how I feel.
No, that’s the wrong word.
I don’t feel anything.
That’s the problem.
Nothing matters. Nothing makes me happy, mad, sad. I spend every day in this room. Jordan watches me like he is waiting for some crazy miracle to happen. Like one day I will wake up and care about myself, him, everyone.
I’m dead inside.
I know he had thought me finding out that they killed them would help but it doesn’t matter, because they live on in my nightmares. He can’t kill them there and that is where they are causing the most damage.
My memories of that night and what led up to it are spotty but still amazingly vivid. I don’t remember going to the compound very well, other than that I was with Danny. My memories of the basement are out of order. I just know that they happened. I watch them happen in my head every night on repeat.
I didn’t think it could get any worse until Doc had told me that I had been pregnant too. Not only had Uncle Simon robbed me of my life, he took the life of my baby. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know, or that I wasn’t far along, there had been a life inside of me. Now I was empty and hollow.
I haven’t spoken to anyone. I don’t see the point. I have nothing to say. Jordan tries with me every day, I can’t believe he is actually still here. I would have thought he’d given up by now. I won’t let anyone touch me. I won’t leave the room unless it’s to go to the bathroom.
I want to die.
This isn’t a life. It’s a prison. It’s a hell where I have to relive the torture I endured while at the same time torturing the people who love me. That’s why I sit here with Jordan’s pocket knife to my wrist. The boys are in Church. No one will be here to check on me for a while. Maybe with me gone everyone can just move on. I’m a constant burden that needs to be taken care of and watched, like a child. I’m keeping them from living too, from going on with their lives.
I just want to be at peace.
I don’t want to be in pain anymore.
I want to be free.
I want to fly.
I slice the blade across my skin once, wincing as it cuts into me, the sheets instantly stained in red. I quickly move to the other before I lose my nerve. One more quick motion and I lay back against the pillow. I close my eyes.
I’m coming, my little baby.
Jordan will be free. He can move on after the shock wears off. His obligation to me will finally be over. It will take time but he will find happiness. Hopefully, he will be stronger.
My body begins to feel weak as my eyes begin to feel tired.
This will be better for everyone.
