Page 49 of Sexy Beginnings
Jordan stands next to the bed as I curl my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around them. I can see his indecision as to what he should do next. “Sweets, you gotta guide me a little here.”
My eyes meet his then focus on a spot on the bed next to me trying to wordlessly communicate my wishes to him. Baby steps.
He sits down. “Take deep breaths, Luce.”
I don’t know how to handle everything rolling through me right now. I feel like my head is going to explode with it all. I don’t know how it’s possible that I forgot about what Amy had done to me. She set me up. She made me trust her.
I turn to Jordan trying to calm my breathing. He is watching me and as I look at him everything that I used to feel is there. I missed it. I turn to face him, amazed at how I could miss someone I have been seeing every day.
It scares me to let him touch me, but I can’t help wanting to touch him. Maybe that won’t be as bad. My hands cup my mouth trying to calm my sobs and get a hold of myself. After a few more minutes, I sit in front of Jordan and still want to touch him. My hand reaches out and strokes his cheek. He doesn’t move. His body rigid as if he is nervous he might scare me off.
“I can’t tell you how amazing it is to have you touch me again, Lucy. To have you kiss me. What happened? Torch called me and said you were screaming and crying like you were in pain. They didn’t know what was wrong.” He doesn’t move to touch me and I’m thankful for that. I need him to take it slow with me.
“I . . .” My voice is so weak from not using it for so long. I clear my throat. Can I do this? I need to do this. I can’t give Amy anymore power than I already have. She probably thinks she’s won. Anger fills my veins. “I saw my sister, Amy. When I did, memories I forgot, or tried to forget came flooding back. All the emotions I’ve pushed away hit me. It was like an explosion in my head. It hurt so badly. I felt like my head might explode from everything that I dropped to the floor.”
I see the concern on his face. “Baby, I told you we took care of all of them. You don’t need to worry about it anymore. None of them can hurt you.”
“You didn’t know everything. The reason Amy triggered me is because she was part of it. She befriended me because they told her to. She was the reason I was there that night. She told me if she didn’t get out that night she would kill herself. So I made Danny take me. Then I heard my uncle say that they had her do it. She was working with them. She set me up.” My voice breaks at the end of it. Trying to push away those memories. The nightmares that came next.
Jordan’s face twists in anger. “She’ll pay.”
I think of how Amy used my past, my pain against me. “As much as I’ve always hated violence, I want to be there for it. I want to face her.” His eyes go wide as he looks at me.
“Lucy I don’t—”
“I need closure.” I think of everything that has happened to me, of everything that I’ve lost. I lost myself—the girl I once was is gone, and I don’t know who I am anymore. She did that to me. It’s like a switch flips inside of me. I’m filled with so much anger that it’s almost overwhelming. “I want to be the one to do it.” His eyes grow wide as he looks at me. Amy took so much from me when I was willing to risk everything to save her. She sacrificed me to someone she knew would probably kill me, then moved on with her life. She seemed so happy the day I saw her. She robbed me of my happiness. Not only that, but she robbed me if my child.
“Lucy, you need to understand what something like this could do to you.” His voice is soft.
“It can’t cause more damage than she already caused me. I need this to heal. To move on.”
I’m begging him.
If I have any chance at recovery, this is it.
I will never be the same.
Maybe I have a chance to be normal though.
