Page 1 of Kiss My Crown
I’m going to strangle him.
No. I’m going to fucking kill him.
Better yet, I’m gonna cut his dick off.
What is it with assholes today who think it’s okay to just take a dip in whatever slut is offering herself up? It’s bad enough that I have to put up with this stupid-ass job just because he wants me to, but now I find out he has been out screwing every other princess in this damn park! Well, all of these people are about to see less damsel in distress and more me making it so Prince Charming can’t walk straight tomorrow.
I walk through Dreamland, searching for my knight in shining armor, who turned out to be more like a dickhead wrapped in tinfoil. I find him waiting for me in the castle, ready for our twelve o’clock performance.
This has been my life for the past year. Four performances a day and endless hours spent smiling, waving, and posing for pictures. Let’s not even talk about the amount of time I’ve been snotted on, thrown up on, and smacked away by a kid whose parent is forcing them into a picture. You go to these theme parks and think it would be so fun to work here!
No. Fuck, it’s not.
It sucks ass.
It is hot as shit on a daily basis, and this ball gown must weigh at least ten pounds. Not to mention the daily migraines from the dumbass tiara and the jacked up feet from these evil glass slippers.
The best thing about this stupid job was Jeremy, getting to spend all day together. However, even that was weird because no one in this crazy-ass insane asylum uses real names. They take being into character to a fucking creepy extreme. They talk like their damn characters, act like them. In all scenarios it’s like they become them. Calling Jeremy Charming took a long-ass time to get used to. Working here has been like moving to the twilight zone and being the only person who knows the shit isn’t real.
“Hey, Lily!” I look over at Emily, one of the ice princesses.
“Do not even ask right now! This is Florida and there are no goddamn snowmen around!”
She gasps as if my comment offended her. Not that I give a shit right now.
I see my prince waiting inside the castle for me so that we can start our first performance of the day. Little does he know that my glass slipper is about to get shoved up his ass.
“Hey, Lily! I thought you were going to be late.” He gives me that smile that made me fall for him in the first place, except this time it elicits a very different reaction. Let’s not even talk about how much it pisses me off that he refuses to call me by my real name. Is Kate really that hard of a name to pronounce? It’s not like my name is made up of only consonants and completely foreign.
I plaster on the princess smile and do my best to not let him onto the fact that he is caught. “Hey, sorry, had some trouble finding my glass slipper.”
He offers me his arm, and I dutifully loop mine through it. We walk out of the castle and the stage is surrounded by a sea of little girls swooning over the asshole next to me and wanting to be me. At least they think they do. The music starts to play as we begin the waltz that took me a week to learn. Only this time instead of effortlessly performing it I may step on Jeremy’s feet every couple seconds.
“Lily, what the hell?” he groans as quietly as he can. “Stop stepping on my feet. You aren’t the lightest and I still need to walk around all day.”
Did he just insinuate what I think he did? He’s dead. We turn toward the crowd and it’s time for me to run away, of course leaving behind a slipper and then it’s Jeremy’s cue to chase after me. Only this time when he catches me and bends down to put my shoe back on I have a surprise for him.
Once the shoe is on, right before he stands up, I kick my leg out, nailing him with the point of my heel right in his balls. It’s a good thing his back is to the crowd because Prince Charming is turning fifty shades of red. I flash my smile to the crowd of girls with misguided dreams, give them the princess wave, and then walk back into the castle with Jeremy hobbling beside me.
Once we are out of sight he collapses on the floor. “What the fuck, Lily?!”
As I look down at him all the rage I built up on my journey over here and stuffed back inside for my performance comes back full force. I grab his sword out of its holster on his belt then whack him with it.
“This is for every damn princess you slept with behind my back.”
Whack.
“This is for making me take this stupid job in the first place.”
Whack.
“This is for insinuating I was fat earlier.”
Whack.
“And this is for being fucking weird and never calling me by my real name!”
Whack.
