Page 2 of Kiss My Crown
I drop the sword, causing it to clang against the floor. “Oh, and just so you know. Four minutes isn’t average, asshole.”
I walk out of the castle, needing to plaster on my princess face once more because I have to do a meet and greet. I feel lighter now that I have put Jeremy in his place. My best friend, Melanie, and one of the only other sane people in this entire park comes running up to me.
“What happened? Did you ask him about the rumors?” She is one of our evil queens, and I snicker at the faces of the kids passing by and seeing us talking.
“No, I didn’t. I kicked him in the balls with my slipper and beat him with his own sword.”
Her mouth drops open before she smiles. “Hell yeah!” She hugs me, and I laugh.
“Okay, I have to go smile and be super happy and shit. I need to be drunk tonight.”
“Deal! You go have fun being adored. I’m going to go walk around and get death threats by little girls.” Melanie walks away, waving to a few of the kids walking by, and I laugh hysterically when one little girl sticks her tongue out at her.
I guess being a princess is better than being a villain sometimes.
Today has been hell.
Not like the hell where you need a strong dose of Tylenol, the hell where your entire body shakes with rage and you need a machete complete with moving targets.
Everyone has heard about Jeremy and me.
Even though I’m the one who dumped his stupid ass, he still comes out looking like a king.
“Hey there, Lily, if you need a booty call tonight let me know. Sloppy seconds don’t scare me off,” Charlie, one of Jeremy’s best friends, calls to me. He’s one of the other princes, and I’ve never liked his creepy ass.
“Only thing that’s sloppy is the way you think you give girls orgasms. At least from what I hear.” I lower my voice a bit, pretending to whisper. “Just so you know, when you only last two minutes, she’s faking it.”
His eyes narrow and I know I’ve pissed him off. “Maybe I should go ask all the chicks Jeremy banged if they faked it.”
My blood boils as he references all those dirty whores.I’m about to rip him a new one when I’m suddenly blinded. I look down and I’m covered in glitter. Turning around, I find Darcy the fairy.
“Did you just throw glitter on me?” I’m trying to contain my rage, praying she has a logical response. Yeah right.
“Princesses should always be pleasant. They never yell and always smile. You seemed like you were in distress, so I aided you with fairy dust.” She smiles too sweetly, and I’m about to boil over.
“Listen to me, Dumbbell, if you ever sprinkle me with that herpes shit again I will rip your wings off and shove them so far up your—”
“Okay, Princess, let’s go get some royal drinks.” Melanie pulls me away before I murder the little LSD bitch. “You need to chill out, girl. I mean just—ow!”
“Leave Princess Lily alone, you evil witch!” A little girl is standing there, poised to deliver another kick to Melanie’s shin.
“Thank you for saving me.” I kneel down, giving the little girl a hug, and then she skips off to her parents.
“See, I have real problems. I get kicked and sneered at all day. Some little brat threw popcorn and booed at me today. Have fun getting adored at your next meet and greet, Princess. And by princess I mean bitch.” She turns away and starts to walk.
“Love you!”
She turns, giving me a look. “I’m sneaking you an apple later.” She smiles before leaving. I can’t help but laugh as little girls passing by shout at her.
I have one more meet and greet to do today and then I’m finally done. This one is for VIPs, which basically means parents who have way too much damn money and creepy dads who think you can be bought by slipping you a hundred.
You’d be surprised how many of these sleazeballs I’ve caught doing one of the whore fairies in the kiddie ride scenes. Seeing a flabby white ass pop up between your favorite characters’ heads is totally not a good look.
Walking into the safari park, I try to take a deep breath and put on my happy face. I swear when I get wrinkles from this cheesy smile this park is totally paying my Botox bill.
I wave dutifully at all the little girls as they watch me pass them. I wish I could tell them that they should dream about being a doctor, or a teacher. Someone who actually means something, not a damn bimbo in a dress.
I walk into the tent and take my place under the arch, ready for the photographer to charge these parents a semester of college tuition for a souvenir picture. I shake my hands, hoping to shake some of the bitchiness out.
