Page 13 of Reckless
Chapter Five
Carly
Last night Jax told me that the day he got expelled he was going to tell me he loved me. When he said that, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I never knew he felt that way about me. Having him tell me in a place where all I could remember was pain was the craziest feeling. It was like he was erasing all the hurtful memories and replacing them.
When we left, Tony was sitting on the couch, and he didn't even look our way. I don't know what Jax said to him, but I was thankful.
Being at that house, I felt powerless and weak.
I hated it.
I letTonytreat me as if I were less than him. For so long I had convinced myself that if I changed everything about myself things between us could be what I always wanted. The problem with that was the changes I tried to implement never stuck because I was trying to change myself for someone else.
After everything that happened, I realized thatTonycould never love me like I wanted him to because I could never change enough to be what he wanted from me. With Jax, I don't feel like I need to make a change to any part of myself. I feel like I can be me, and still be happy.
I look over at the man lying next to me knowing I can feel my heart starting to open to him. It scares me because of how hard it was to put myself back together, but at the same time it's exciting, and I've never been happier.
I always thought love was a slow progression. Something that took time and work. I'm learning that love is a force, it takes hold of you when you least expect it to and pulls you under. It's never a perfect time, and you may not find it where you expect. When it hits you though, you know inside that you'll never feel the same again. I never expected to find Jax when I did. In fact, I don't even know that I was ready to rediscover what I found in him. Now, in this moment I know there is nowhere I'd rather be than in his arms.
His arms tighten around me. “You look like you’re thinkin’ too much.” His raspy voice sounds in my ear sending chills through my body.
"Maybe, but it's all good things." I turn my head, pressing my lips against his. Looking into his eyes a sense of calm fills me. I feel like a teenager again, completely overtaken by the way I feel about him. I would always read books where the girls fell for the guys in a matter of a few days, and I'd think they were crazy. There's no way you could have those kinds of feelings for someone in such a short span of time. I was so wrong.
"You gonna let me in on the secret?" His head dips while he brushes his stubble against my neck. I open my mouth to speak, but I'm interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. He reaches over grabbing it off the nightstand. "Yeah…got it." He looks down at me placing a kiss on my lips. "Gotta go, babe."
Before I can reply, he’s out of bed and pulling his jeans on. “What was that all about?”
“Club business,” he says as he pulls his t-shirt over his head. “Remember what I said about going to the club.”
I nod my head, trying to hide my disappointment that he’s leaving.
After he leaves, my room feels bigger and emptier than it ever has before. I get out of bed needing to distance myself from his smell lingering in my sheets, it only makes me want to call him and beg him to come back, and I'm so not that girl.
Walking into the living room, I see Jess sitting on the couch. "So, he stayed over?"
I nod my head. “He actually came with me to get my stuff fromTony’slast night.”
Jess arches an eyebrow at me. “Don’t hate me, but…” She trails off before crossing her legs on the couch. “Are you sure that you’re not latching onto Wrench in an effort to get over everything withTony? I mean it’s like you went from being heartbroken to completely in love in a day.”
I try to take in what she's saying, and I really get where she is coming from. I'm sure from the outside that's what it seems like. "The thing is, hindsight is 20/20. I grieved the relationship and the love I felt for him. After that grief, I was really able to see it all for what it was.Tonyhasn't liked the way I've looked for years. He always said how I could stand to lose a few pounds. We would actually fight when we got home if I had eaten crap food while we were out. The things he used to say to me completely destroyed any confidence I had ever had in myself." I feel my eyes well with tears. It's not for the relationship; it's for the person I let him destroy during it. "Once I realized how unhealthy and abusive our time had been it was easy for me to move past it. When you're in that situation, blinded by the love you feel, you don’t see that you'd be better without it."
"I'm sorry, girl." Jess stands up and gives me a hug. "I wish you'd have been able to get yourself out of that situation sooner. You deserve so much better."
I shrug. "In a way, I'm happy that it happened the way that it did."
Jess pulls away from me, and I can tell my statement shocked her.
“IfTonyhadn’t done what he did, when he did, I don’t know that I would have crossed paths with Jax like I did. In a crazy way, as much as I hate him, I’m thankful.” I pause, knowing how dumb that sounds. It’s completely true though.
“Well, if you really are happy then I’m happy for you. It’s all I’ve wanted for you since everything happened.” She offers me a smile.
"I know, and I don't know how I would have gotten through everything without you, Jess, you're as close to a sister as I'll ever have." She hugs me again, and now both of us are crying.
"Jesus Christ, we are such girls," Jess says with a laugh.
My phone buzzes and I look down at it.
Wrench: Just got to the club and goddamn all I want is to be back in your bed with you.
I smile and can feel my cheeks turning red.
"Lord, I'm going to grab something to eat. You're blushing like a teenager, and the cheese factor is bursting right now." Jess walks away shaking her head.
Me: It’s all I want too, as soon as you walked out of the room I missed you.
Wrench: Fuck woman, you can’t say shit like that to me.
If it's possible, I smile even bigger. My cheeks hurt and I shake my head at how stupid I probably look grinning at the screen.
A part of me thinks back to my past relationship, and I don't ever remember feeling like this. I lovedTonywith all my heart. However, I didn't need him. I didn't feel incomplete when he wasn't at my side. I feel that now and it's incredible.
