Page 147 of Pretty Broken Wings
What if she’s not okay? What if she’s hurting herself?
Concern fills me, and I peek around the corner. Raven is sitting on the floor next to the sink, legs curled up to her chest.
Fuck.
Slowly, so I don’t scare her, I move into the bathroom. She doesn’t tell me to go. Doesn’t make any indication that she sees me. Slowly, very slowly, I lower myself to the floor beside her. For a long while, I don’t say anything. We just sit there while the room fills with steam.
Finally, I say, “I also find the bathroom floor to be the superior seating. Often after too many drinks. It cools the asscheeks.”
Nothing.
Okay. Fine. I just let my head fall back against the sink.
I should go. I really should. Shouldn’t get myself messed up in these emotions. Especially since I know she’s about to leave.
But my body feels like lead. I can’t just leave her without trying something.
“You know,” I say. “Wanting to recreate experiences is the brain’s way of processing trauma.”
Raven doesn’t move. So I keep going. “You get stuck in this… loop. I don’t know. It’s like you can’t get out of it until your brain has solved every last piece.”
Silence.
I close my eyes. “Like, maybe if I hadn’t said this or done that, it would have been different.”Maybe if I had been more grown up, I would have known what was happening.
Finally, Raven huffs, “That sounds fake.”
The relief from hearing her voice makes me crack my eyes open. “It could be. I went to some sex therapy camp a long time ago, so it could be total bullshit.”
“You? Therapy?”
I shake my head. “I know. Wild, huh?” I went to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I couldn’t stop fucking every woman that crossed my path. Why I was terrified of intimacy. “I got kicked out,” I say.
“Why?”
“I fucked one of the teachers.”
Raven laughs a real laugh, but it quickly disappears.
My tone sombers. “You’re not like Max, Raven.”
“How do you know?” Her voice is full of so much sorrow, it hurts something in my chest. Because she’s like me. That’s how I know. Raven wouldn’t inflict the same pain on other people that’s been inflicted on her.
“If Gage was scared, would you have kept going?”
Silence.
“Answer me. If you saw fear, would you have kept going?”
“No.”
That’s what I thought.
The water continues to pound down. Finally, Raven huffs. “Guess I should turn that off.”
“Or get in.”
She glances at me.
