Page 42 of Dirty Little Secret, Baby
After sending the message and reading it again, I realize how ambiguous that must sound, so I add:
What I mean is, I still wanted to tell you something.
But that’s not entirely true. I also want to touch her, kiss her, and… damn, how long has it been since I last had sex? Could it be that my imagination is running wild? I'm lying in bed alone, texting a woman I've only had sex with once, over a year ago, and I have a boner?
Beth’s reply takes a long time. I wonder if I did something wrong again without knowing it. Then, a full three minutes later, her message arrives:
I still need to figure something out. I'll let you know, okay?
What does she always have to figure out? Does she have to reschedule her babysitting with Veronica? Does she have other plans? I don't get it, but I still write back,OK, good night, even though it feels like she just turned me down without actually saying no.
Has anyone ever actually turned me down before? I can't remember. Maybe that's why this feels so weird right now.
My smartphone vibrates again, and I assume it’s another message from Beth, but it's my assistant, Eric.
Bad quarterly results are in. Sending the numbers by email.
"Shit," I mutter and get up again to look at the data on my laptop. Eric has instructions to always send me the data immediately. I’m glad for it, even though I know the document will cost me my sleep.
The numbers look anything but good, though not alarming. But I can't stand that our profits are sinking while Jake is raking in more and more cash. It pisses me off.
Then I scroll to the end of the data, because there’s usually a drafted proposal there, which I prefer to a constant analysis of mistakes. After all, it's about what you can do better to get out of the mess.
There it is. Formulated concisely as a recommendation:
Buy shop on 4th Street, as well as the entire block. Build shopping mall, rent out stores, and have a burger joint for customers both inside and outside the mall.
Dammit, that was a really good idea. I read through the details and see that an analysis of existing shopping malls is attached. There really is no shopping center nearby. This could be a real money-making machine.
But it still comes down to this: I need Beth's shop for it. And for that, I have to talk to her!
Chapter 17
Beth
The next morning
What a night. I feel like I barely slept a wink again. This time, though, it wasn't because of Ben. He was awake, and I was able to nurse him as soon as I got upstairs to the apartment, but he barely drank anything and woke up one more time during the night.
I, on the other hand, lay awake with my thoughts, staring into the darkness, and I realized that a part of me was actually glad I didn't have to tell Alex the truth, that I had another reason to run from it. His message echoed in my mind, too. Should I really go to his place tonight? That was clearly code for sex.
But wouldn't it come down to that anyway? And wasn't that exactly what some part of me, beyond all reason, wanted? Why did everything always have to be so complicated?
Our conversations and all the pointed glances lingered with me as I lay awake. There was something between us. Some kind of invisible bond. Something that seemed to charge the air with electricity whenever our eyes met or any part of us touched.
And then there were our goodbyes: sometimes with a kiss, sometimes without, and something always gets in the way or I get cold feet.
And yet, this secret is practically eating me alive. This can't go on. I have to tell him. I really do!
Besides, it seems like he wanted to tell me something, too, before the whole choking-on-a-chili incident prevented it. But what? Does he have a kid, too?
That's ridiculous!
At the thought, I run my tongue around the inside of my mouth, and it almost feels like the roof of my mouth is still a little irritated from it.
While nursing Ben last night, it suddenly hit me that I might have caused an even bigger problem, since there are certain foods and methods that can cause a woman to stop lactating. I forced myself not to look up whether chili was one of them and instead sent a quick prayer to heaven. Maybe it was answered, Idon't know. In any case, Ben drank just like usual, and even now, after getting up this morning, my breasts feel full.
A small smacking sound next to me makes me grin, and I look over at my little sunshine, whose eyes are open. "Well, little man? All slept out?" I ask Ben, kissing and stroking him, which he answers with a happy gurgle and a little squirm.
