Page 70 of Dirty Little Secret, Baby
"He has a strange rash. And a fever. It all came on so suddenly and..." she breaks off, looking at her little son, who lets out a pained sound. "It's all right, sweetie, Mommy's here. We'll take a taxi to the doctor and..."
"No way. My car's right outside, I'll drive," the words burst out of me, and I feel a new, unfamiliar affection for Beth bloom inside me, one that goes beyond what we've had so far, as I see her so lovingly with her son.
"Really? You don't have to, I mean..."
"I understand your concern. And I'm already here. So let's not waste any time, let's go," I say.
"Okay, let's go," she says, and for the first time, I look at the little boy Veronica called Ben as we head for the door. A handsome boy; the three red spots on his face don't detract from the sight. Then a thought goes through my head that makes me freeze: If I ever have a child, I want him to look this cute.
"Everything okay? Did you change your mind?" Beth asks, because I've stopped in my tracks.
"No, it's just... oh, nothing. We'll talk later, okay?" I ask, and Beth and I look at each other out on the sidewalk. For a moment, the questions and doubts that stand between us are back. Butthere's also this intangible affection. A complicated mix that so far hasn't found a happy ending.
"Okay," Beth says, getting into the back seat with Ben, and I close the door behind them. For a brief moment, I look at the two of them, then I hurry to my seat and suddenly feel a concern for the little boy welling up inside me, too, hoping the rash is nothing serious.
******
"Everything's fine, miss. It's just chickenpox," the doctor finally says after examining the little one, smiling at Beth and me. "Just apply the cream, give him something for the fever, and make sure the little guy doesn't scratch all the time. There are special mittens for babies that might be useful for that," he adds, beginning to make notes on his computer. "You can get the little man dressed again."
I don't even know how I ended up in the examination room. When I parked, I helped Beth get out, which meant she briefly handed Ben to me. It was the first time I had ever held a child, and I felt strangely helpless, a mixture of insane fear of dropping him and at the same time, somehow wonderful, because the little guy looked at me and made a gurgling sound and, despite his spots, didn't seem to be in a bad mood at all.
Beth explained to me that red spots could mean all sorts of things, especially when they came with a fever. The internet was full of horror stories, so it was better to see a doctor right away.
I gave Beth her son back and simply followed her. Beth didn't object, and so we found ourselves in the doctor's office together. Maybe I didn't want to leave because it would have seemed like I didn't care about her problems. Because I did. Not at all.
And the little guy had somehow grown on me, too. The whole thing was strange. Hopefully, this would turn out well and we could soon talk about all the misunderstandings between us and...
"Hey, I know you..." the doctor says, looking at me more closely. "You're Alex Rodgers, the head of BigBurger, right?" he says, staring at me longer than necessary.
"That's right," I say slowly, looking at his beaming face.
"It's a pleasure." Then he holds out his hand and I shake it, a little confused. "Your burgers make my lunch breaks so much better," he says, patting his budding paunch, which I acknowledge with a tight smile.
"I'm sure you're very busy, but like I said, it's important that the little man doesn't pick up any new infections during this time. So, when you come home from work, always wash your hands well before you touch the little guy for the next few weeks."
"Wait, there must be a misunderstanding, I... I'm not... I just drove them and..." I glance at Beth, who is currently dressing Ben and seems to be completely absorbed in talking to him, not hearing our conversation.
"But you are the father, aren't you?" At that, the doctor looks at me, puzzled, glancing between me and his computer. "Are you separated? Shared custody?" he then asks more quietly, leaning toward me.
"I don't understand," I say again.
"It says here that you're the father," he says, tapping his screen. "Little Ben was delivered here. My practice specializes in that. Not a hospital, but not a home birth either. Our patients appreciate the comfortable environment and care from a doctor. His mother listed you as the father back then," he says, gesturing to Beth and turning the screen in my direction.
At first, I don't understand anything and try to make sense of the many entries. Then I see it. My name is actually there. My chest tightens. I don't understand the world anymore. When I see his date of birth and roughly calculate back to when we first met, I realize it's within the realm of possibility.
"What are you two doing? Should we go?" I hear Beth's voice behind me, sounding relieved now that it's clear nothing serious has happened to Ben.
"Beth?" I ask, my voice no more than a whisper. "Am I the father? Ben's father?"
The doctor obviously doesn't quite understand what's happening here, but he stays silent, probably feeling like he's in a soap opera.
"What makes you think that?" Beth says, laughing shrilly.
"It's right there. You listed it when he was born," I say, now turning around, looking into her eyes, and pointing to the monitor.
Beth says nothing. Her eyes grow moist and her chin trembles. A tear rolls down her cheek. She finally nods and I...
I'm falling. It feels as if a deep, black hole has opened up beneath me, threatening to swallow me whole. First she hides from me that she has a child, and then that I'm the father?
