Page 49 of Keeping the Single Dad
I pulled my towel tighter around myself. It was strange to be half naked with him in this room with all these happy photos of his wife. Had Skylar's wedding reminded him of his own special day? Was it hard for him to be there? A sudden awkwardness made my mouth dry. It had been five years, and Alex had only just been intimate with someone again. I’d always kept things casual with men, but maybe this was a big deal for him. I hadn’t really considered it.
“Your wife looks lovely in these photos.”
He stood next to me. “Yes. She was.” He let out an audible breath and gazed at the image. “The first couple of years, I was walking around in a daze. I was trying not to drop to the ground like a toddler every five minutes and weep. I had to carry on for Brodie, but I thought the pain was going to kill me. Some days, I still think it might.” His voice cracked, and he turned his face away. “Evelyn would want me to be happy again. Not just for me, but for Brodie too. I moved down here because I want to heal. I don’t want to be this sad grief-stricken dad forever. When you lose love it makes a hole in you. You never know when you walk around in this world, who is doing everything they can, just to hold things together, but I want to be happy sometimes, too. I want that for Brodie’s sake. Evelyn will always be with me, but I can only move forward, not back.”
His eyes were full of pain, warmth, and life. My heart ached for him. Alex was so open. I owed it to him, to give him something in return. “It’s nice that you have all these photos on display.” I took a breath and swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Dad took all the photos of Mum down and hid them away. I don’t think he could deal with seeing her.”
Alex shot me a sidelong glance. “How old were you when you lost your mother?”
Memories battered my brain.Mum’s green eyes, like sunlight dappling leaves. The warm brush of her fingers through my hair.The pain in my chest winded me.
“Eleven.”
“I’m sorry. It must have been a terrible time.”
Silence swept in. Alex kept his gaze fixed on the photograph in front of us, and I was glad of that. I couldn’t look him in the eye and hold myself together. Now that I’d started talking about her, words I hadn’t meant to say poured from my lips.
“The worst part was that nobody ever spoke about her anymore. Not even the teachers at school. Nobody knew what to say or how to deal with it. Even now nobody speaks about her. Not my Dad or Mel.”
Alex nodded, sagely. “Everybody deals with grief differently. Some people go quiet. I understand the urge. I keep talking for Brodie’s sake. Maybe if it wasn’t for him, I would have been the same as your family.”
“Dad moved us all down from Scotland. I think he missed her so much he couldn’t even bear to be in the same country as her memory. But I missed our old place near Loch Shiel. Mum used to grow these beautiful pale yellow roses in the garden. Whenever I see yellow roses, I think of her. She’s buried at the church near the house. I miss it. I go back to visit her when I can, but not often enough.”
He offered me a kind smile and moved his finger to brush the back of my hand.
I dared a glance at him. “About the day we met in Gabe’s hotel...what made you decide you were ready to…you know…again.”??
A wry smile twisted his lips. “I had a devastatingly beautiful young woman whispering in my ear. I was hardly thinking with my brain at that point.”
“It must have been a big thing for you…to be with someone again after so long?”
His expression stilled and grew somber. “It was a big deal. All of it. Talking. Touching. Holding hands. Laughing. Kissing.”
He wrapped his hand around mine. His gentle touch seared heat up my wrist. I held perfectly still. My heart pounded. Standing together in the quiet, talking about Mum, in this room, stuffed with memories, made my throat burn. I gazed up at Evelyn. Alex had loved her and she’d loved him. I could see why she’d loved him. He wasn’t like any man I’d ever met. Warmth lit my chest. How wonderful that they’d had that together.
It had meant something to Alex when we’d hooked up. It had meant nothing to me, beyond an exciting tangle in the sheets, but all of this was meaning something now. I adjusted my smile, trying to convey an ease I didn’t feel. “I can’t fall for you, Alex.”
He hesitated before he spoke in a soft voice, “Why not?”
Because I’m scared.
Because one day you’ll say goodbye, and I can’t take that.
I closed my eyes, an ache stabbing my heart.
Alex’s hand wrapped around mine. “This scares me too, Lana. I know loss. Profound, terrible grief. I know what it is, and I know that somehow life goes on because it has to. I haven’t let anyone close. Then you came at me in that bar like a hurricane and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to get swept away. We’re not right for each other. You’re too young. I can’t date. My life has to be about Brodie now and still…” He swallowed. “Still, I want you. I want to be your protector. I want to do whatever it takes to look after you and make everything right for you. I know you’re too young—”
“The age gap is the least important part.”
‘It’s not. It’s the most important because of what it means for the future. We’re at different stages in our lives. Your twenties are about having fun and making mistakes. You don’t want to settle down and have a family. I’m not out partying. I like quiet evenings and routine. The most important thing to me is keeping things stable for Brodie. I can’t bring a woman into our lives who will walk away from us. He’s been through too much." His thumb brushed lightly over the back of my hand. “Me and Brodie havebothbeen through too much.”
“I’ve partied enough in the past couple of years to last my entire twenties. Maybe I’m tired of it. I don’t drink, anyway. It doesn’t give me what I’m looking for.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think I was looking for anything but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m looking for something…nice.”
“Nice?”
