Page 59 of Keeping the Single Dad
An ache burned in my chest. One painful, beautiful memory after another caught my attention. My fingers hovered over Mum stood proudly with a younger Mel and me. We stood in front of the magnolia tree in our old yard. Mel must have been around fourteen. She had her arm around my waist, and her grin dazzled with affection and delight. Warmth glowed in my chest to see her like that. It had been a long time since I’d seen her smile. I couldn’t remember much about the photo, but I could guess why my eyes shone with joy. Mel was giving me attention. It’s all I’d longed for as a child — my older sister wanting to spend time with me.
Once, we’d been close. Now, I didn’t know how to talk to her. Since Mum died, my sister and I had become two magnets polarized in opposite directions. We couldn’t connect. The more I tried to get close, the harder she pushed me away. In my weaker moments, I wanted to hurt her with my words, but only because I needed the reaction. I needed something back from her. These days, snark and bickering was all I could get.
I traced a finger over the younger me. My long red hair fell in tangles around my mud splattered face. I’d been so innocent, then. I wanted to go back in time and grab that little girl by the shoulders, and warn her about the things to come, but what good would it do to know? She’d still have to survive. I’d been surviving for so long. With Alex, life didn’t feel like survival.
It felt like winning.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to look at these.” Dad’s hoarse voice broke me out of my reverie.
“You don’t have to say sorry. I want to see them. I didn’t know you kept them.”
He inclined his head in a nod. “Aye. Of course I kept them.”
“We could put them back up around the house if you wanted?” I spoke tentatively. I had a feeling like I had a tiny bird in my hands and if I moved too quickly, it would fly away. ?
Dad shifted in his seat. “No. I don’t think…I’m not ready…”
“That’s okay. Don’t worry.”
Dad’s eyes slipped away. Silence wrapped around us.
“I came to get some toast. Do you want a drink or—”
?“I’m not doing so well, Lana. I don’t want to be like this anymore.” His eyes shone with tears. “I’m really trying.”
The tremor in his voice made my heart ache. I rested my hand on his shoulder. “I know you are.”?
He fixed his teary gaze on a faded photo of Mum blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. “I want to be better for my girls. I can get back on track. You have to know that I’m trying. I’m really trying.” He patted my shoulder. “You’re a good girl, Lana. You never give up on me.” He tapped his finger on the photo of Mum and a faint smile lifted his lips. “You look like her, don’t you? Your mother never gave up on me either. I’ve messed up a lot in my life, but I’m lucky, I have you.”
“And Mel. You have both of us.”
He nodded absently. Tears found their way down his cheeks, and he bit his lip trying to hold back his sob. I held him tight while he wept. At least Mel wasn’t here this time to tell him to stop. Dad’s soft sobbing filled my ears and the truth ground in my gut like a cannonball. Dad was struggling. He had been for a while, but Mel and I had been too busy to notice. A grim realization settled over me and crushed my chest. Mel was right. Alex would survive whatever the tabloids threw at him. Alex was a redwood built to endure any storm. My Dad’s branches were so thin and worn they’d snap and break.
I had to put Karen off with this article until Dad was stronger. Alex would be so mad with me, but this family was my team, and life had tackled Dad to the ground. I’d never leave him behind. You had to help your team members. I had to help get my dad and Mel back on their feet. How could I throw my father to the wolves when he was already on his knees?
I sat with Dad and held him while he wept. When I’d finally helped him upstairs and to bed, the sun was rising outside, coloring the sky a faint orange. A new day. I tucked Dad into his bed and brushed back the gray hair from his forehead.
He flashed a thin, grateful smile. “You’re good to me. I don’t deserve you.”
I swallowed hard, trying to manage a feeble answer. All I wanted was to be good. To fix my family and make us better again. Mel was right. The only way I could repair this family was to buy Dad time, even though the cost was hurting the man I’d fallen in love with. ?
When Dad started snoring, I found my way back to my room in a daze. Faint birdsong filtered through my bedroom window. I’d always loved that sound, but at this ungodly hour the chirrups rang sharp and accusatory as though the birds knew the despicable act I had to commit. Their incessant twittering echoed with the word, betrayal. My heart pounded. Guilt gnawed at my belly as though it might devour me from inside.
I’d lose Alex. Nobody could forgive something like this. A betrayal is a betrayal. There were no good answers. There was only hurting the person who was better able to withstand it. Either way, when you loved, it always ended in goodbye. My breath came in sharp pants and my heart ached as though someone had kicked a football directly at my chest. It had to be done. Birdsong rang shrill and angry around my bedroom. I took a deep breath. With sweaty fingers, I texted Karen Delaney. I hit send before I could change my mind. Before I could give in to the screaming voice in my head telling me to stop.
Keep my dad out of the press. I’ll tell you about me and Alex.?
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Chapter 35
Alexander
Lana’sphonedivertedtovoicemail for the hundredth time. I fired off another text. What was going on? She’d been distant for a couple of days. Something was wrong. I’d seen her four nights ago and ever since she’d made excuses not to be with me. I’d had a feeling like something was wrong when I’d seen her, but I didn’t want to push her. She could be prickly sometimes. I’d opted to give her space, but maybe I should have gone deeper with it. She hadn’t touched a bite of the meal I’d cooked that night. Now, she was always busy with practice and she’d hardly sent me more than a two-word answer every time I checked in. Whenever I bumped into her at the club, she always had an excuse to run in the opposite direction.
