Page 84 of Playing for Possession
“Of course I tried, but this woman... she’s incredible. Way too good for me. Not just because she’s Mortimer’s daughter, but because she’s amazing. She’s kind, and funny, and thoughtful. I’ve never met anyone like her. Mortimer knew I wasn’t worthy of her. That’s why he warned me to back off. These people are untouchable, Jack. You know what they’re like. It’s not like he’s wrong, is it?”
I was undeserving of Joanie. She knew it, too. I’d seen it in her eyes when the police had dragged me off. It didn’t matter how much I loved her. She didn’t want me.
I bit my lip until it throbbed. “Mortimer will get me kicked out of Calverdale. I don’t want to leave you there on your own.”
Jack sighed. “Jesus, Kieran. You can’t live your life worrying about me all the time.”
My body ached with exhaustion. “I worry about you every day. Someone has to look out for you.”
I didn’t want to admit weakness, not in front of Jack, but it had been a long time since I’d talked about my feelings. Maybe Joanie had got me back in the habit. “I wanted to be there for you, but I haven’t been. Not enough. I get so angry sometimes. I don’t want to be likehim.”
We didn’t call him Dad, because he’d never been that. Jack clamped his jaw tight and stared at the pigeons flapping by the dumpsters. The silence of the early hours of the morning sat heavily between us.
“You’re a great brother, Kieran. Better than any. You’ve done enough. You can fix it with Joanie, because you’re a good man. Nobody is too good for you. You’re nothing likehim.”
“Am I a good man?”
“The best. Why do you think Sean is so threatened by you? He already knows you’re the real captain. You’re the one the lads lookup to and trust. The only reason Sean wears the armband is because his dad is pulling the strings.”
“I’ve never wanted to be the captain.”
Jack laughed. “Tough luck.” He blew out a breath. “Everything you want is within your reach. You’ve worked hard for so long. You have to believe that you’re allowed to take these things. That you have the right to what you’ve earned. You walk around with this huge chip on your shoulder, but that shit is just weighing you down. You’re worthy of anything you want.”
Despite my wretched headache, a sudden lightness filled me. “When the fuck did you get so wise?”
A smile crept onto his lips. “I’m not. I just see through your bullshit. You’ve been pushing me for years because it’s easier to set me up for success than believe in yourself.”
I sighed. “I preferred it when my bullshit was more opaque.”
Jack laughed. “Sorry, bro. You’re so transparent. It’s embarrassing.”
We sat in silence for a long time. The sounds of the awakening city filtered into the car—bird trills, the rumble of a truck, the calls of the workers emptying the dumpsters. Jack tapped on the steering wheel. He took a deep breath.
“Sometimes we meet people who are different to us, but something clicks. Opposites attract, I guess.” He picked at the steering wheel. “Me and Ollie are different. He finds it difficult that I’m not... open like him.”
I held my breath, searching for words. We’d never had a conversation this frank before. He was opening up to me for the first time. I didn’t want to blow it.
“It’s the visibility, you know.” He took another deep breath, punctuated by a few short gasps. “I’m not ready for all that yet. It’s a responsibility. Visibility comes with attention. I don’t want thatpressure. I want people to talk about my football, not my private life. Maybe one day... not yet. It has to feel right.”
I let the silence stretch until it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else. He’d already given me more than he ever had before. I understood. It was similar to the reasons Joanie hadn’t wanted to wear that bikini. She wanted the football to take precedence.
“You’re still so young. You have time for anything you want to do in this life. I’ll do whatever I can to support you. Whatever you need. Always.” I put as much warmth into my voice as I could. Jack needed to know I’d be with him for anything he needed. Not because I owed him a father, but because I loved him as a brother. “I’ve got your back, every step. Don’t let anyone rush you into anything. Do what’s right for you. Please know I’m here for you whatever, and I love you.”
“I know, bro.” He relaxed back into his seat. “I love you too.”
Outside, the first orange streaks brightened the sky.
“Do you think Sean’s making empty threats?” he asked.
“Honestly? He’s a loose cannon. Who knows what he’s capable of?”
“How much shit are you going to be in for punching him?”
A lot of shit.I’d most likely be unemployed in a couple of hours. “If Mortimer doesn’t have me thrown off the team for this, then Sean will.”
Jack gave a resolute nod. “Whatever comes, we’ll get through it together.”
Weak light washed over the row of cars parked in front of us and illuminated my brother’s smiling face. Salmon pink edged the clouds, and the sky was filled with the most beautiful streaks of lavender. It wasn’t a Menorcan sunrise, but even a parking lot in England could look beautiful when it held the promise of another day on this earth. A sunrise was a chance to try again, put thingsright, and move forward. That’s all I wanted to do with Joanie. What hope did I have if she wouldn’t let me explain myself?
