Page 90 of Playing for Possession
Chapter 40
Joanie
Dad’s message from Kieran rang in my head as I pushed open the heavy doors to the gym. The familiar odor of sweat and metal wrapped around me. In the mirror, I caught Kieran’s reflection from the other side of the gym. Ollie had found out from Jack that he’d be here. Dad had advised me to wait until after the match to speak to him, but I couldn’t.
Kieran’s powerful legs pumped back and forward as he worked out on the rowing machine. Sweat dampened his dark hair and his muscles strained against his T-shirt. I hesitated for a moment, my heart racing. Maybe this was a mistake. Tomorrow would be one of the biggest challenges of my career. I had to focus. But I didn’t want to step onto the pitch with this heaviness in my heart.
“Joanie?” Kieran stopped rowing and slipped his ear buds out. “What are you doing here?”
I perched tentatively on the workout bench opposite him. “Dad gave me your message.”
He swung his legs and swiveled on the low seat to face me. “I told him not to say it was from me. I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I know, but you’ve met my dad? He does his own thing.”
“I noticed.” He mopped his head with a towel and gave me a hopeful look. “Do you want to grab a coffee or something? We could talk?”
I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already too late. I should have been in bed. “I can’t stay. I need to get my head in gear before the match tomorrow. I just came to say thank you. It was a nice thing to say.”
His eyes clung to mine. “You’re welcome.”
Awkwardness filled me. There was so much unspoken between us. I wanted to fall into his arms, but I couldn’t just delete everything that had happened from my brain.
“Well, goodbye.” I stood.
“Is that it? You’re not going to let me explain?”
What more was there to say on it? “It won’t make any difference.”
“Please. I’m begging you to hear me out.”
The anguish in his expression held me still. I dropped back onto the bench.
He glanced around the empty gym, and lowered his voice. “I had multiple transfer offers when I played for Madrid. I could play for any team in Europe, but I choose Calverdale, even though it’s hell to play with some of these guys. I stay because Jack is happy here, and I want to be somewhere I can keep an eye on him.
“When your dad approached me about this commercial, I wasn’t just thinking of my future, I was thinking of Jack’s. I’m sorry that this hurt you so much, but you have to believe that was never my intention.”
The realization dawned on me. “You were frightened of my dad?”
His voice took on a solemn edge. “Men like your dad have a lot of influence over men like me.”
I opened my mouth and closed it again. Kieran was so fierce. I’d never imagined him scared of anything. Dad hadn’t just offered Kieran a World Cup spot, he’d intimidated him with his influence. He’d forced him to choose between me and his worries over his brother’s happiness. Guilt stabbed me in the chest. I’d overreacted. Kieran had kept a secret from me, but it wasn’t because he didn’t care about me. He was trying to protect his brother.
My mind reeled. I glanced at the clock on the wall. I couldn’t do this now. Kieran gazed at me in waiting silence.
He cleared his throat. “You’re going to be great tomorrow.”
“Am I?”
“You don’t think so?”
“I’m not fearless like you. It doesn’t matter how much work I’ve done, I’m still terrified. If I injure myself again, it’s over.”
“Is that what you think of me? I’m fearless?”
I used to think that. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
His eyes darkened with emotion. “I have plenty of fear. I’m scared all the time. Do you know what scares me the most? That I’ll never be able to convince you to give me another chance. That I’ve lost you for good. I’m scared because this world is all hard edges, and I can’t always be there to protect the people I love.
