Page 93 of Playing for Possession
Claire sighed with exasperation. “If you need me screaming at you for ninety minutes, then you haven’t been listening in training. And you, Joanie.”
She twisted and pierced me with her penetrating glare. I felt the collective shift of attention, as all eyes in the room burned into me. My palms suddenly felt slick with sweat. My champagne glass trembled in my hand. I took a deep breath, but there wasn’t enough air in the room.
“You haven’t stepped on a pitch for nine months, and then you come back with a performance like that.”
Everyone in the room was looking at me—my teammates, Dad, Ollie, Kieran. Even the staff behind the bar had stopped serving to watch this unfold. Blistering heat crept up the back of my neck. I’d had nightmares exactly like this. The old soundtrack in my head sparked to life.Just agree with everything. Don’t make a fuss. Blend in.
Claire’s face eased into a genuine smile. “You were spectacular. I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say how glad we are to have you back.” She lifted her champagne glass and inclined her head to me. “Cheers to Joanie, and all of her hard work.”
Applause erupted. My teammates raised their glasses in my honor. My face grew so hot, I hardly knew where to look. It was so unexpected. Above the sea of heads, Kieran lifted his glass. His warmth and encouragement radiated in a slow spreading smile. A smile that shone in his eyes and transformed his entire face into something boyish and wonderful. A compliment from Claire and a smile from Kieran on the same day? It was like a glitch in the matrix.
Glasses clinked around me. My teammates’ encouraging smiles made my heart swell.
“Speech,” the cry came from somewhere at the back of the room.
No way.I spluttered out a nervous laugh.
“Joanie?” Claire raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to say anything?”
My heart raced. Of course not. Public speaking had never gone well for me. I could barely even speak in a meeting. The silence clung to me, sticky and uncomfortable.
“Joanie?” Claire tilted her head to me.
I sought out Kieran’s gaze to draw strength from. He gave me a reassuring nod from the corner of the room where he stood. The tense knot in my chest unfurled a little. Kieran had my back. He had done this whole time. A small spark of something fierce lit inside. Maybe I should do it. Maybe this was my chance to say the things I wanted to say to him. In front of all these people? No. I couldn’t. Not personal stuff. That was so beyond my comfort zone, it was in a different stratosphere. But I had to do something.
Kieran had said he would do anything to fix us. So would I. He’d hurt me, but I’d hurt him, too. He’d been trying to protect his brother, and I hadn’t been understanding enough. I’d focused on the secret, and not the reasons why he’d felt he had to keep it. I’d ghosted Kieran rather than give him a chance to explain. It was an overreaction. Gerard had hurt me, and I’d been trying to protect myself. In Menorca, I’d run naked into the sea, stood up for myself with Fizzz, and had one of the most magnificent men I’d ever seen on his knees for me. I could do this. For Kieran, I could do this.
I nodded. “OK.” My voice came out too quiet. “I’ll say something.”
Claire nodded and stepped back. Thoughts jumbled in my head like a jigsaw puzzle scattered all over the floor. The champagne glass shook in my hand.Just start. Just say one thing.
Lana took the glass out of my hand and leaned in to whisper, “You can do it.”
My heart thundered in my ears. I cleared my throat. “Thank you so much for that lovely toast. I’m not really one for entertaining speeches or grand gestures. That’s more my dad’s forte.”
Dad laughed. A few people turned to smile at him, and he folded at the middle in an elaborate bow.
“I wanted to take this opportunity to say something out loud, in front of my team, and my family. This is something I’ve been wanting to say to you, Kieran, but I haven’t had the nerve.”
A few hushed whispers broke out. People twisted to give Kieran curious glances, but his eyes didn’t leave my face.
“When I got paired up with you for the commercial, I would have done anything to get out of it. I had some... assumptions about you. I’m sure you had some about me, too. Most people do. The truth is, I can’t live my life worried about what people might think of me.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “You inspired me, and helped me to get my confidence back to play again. You helped me in a lot of ways, actually.”
Most of the ways he’d helped me weren’t suitable to speak out loud. Heat crept into my face again. Kieran watched me with an inscrutable expression. Not even a hint of a smile.Oh my gosh. What was I doing? What if he didn’t feel the same?There were probably journalists in here. They’d be reporting tomorrow that Mortimer Fox’s daughter had lost her mind. This was causing a bigger scene than Dad’s fake funeral, but screw it. This was important. I’d started down this road, and now I had to see it to the end.
“I made a mistake. I pushed you away because I was scared of getting hurt, and I’m sorry. I used to think that speaking up for myself was my greatest fear, but it’s not. We share the same fear. I’m terrified that I’ve lost you forever. That I can’t fix this.
“I love you, Kieran. I don’t care if everyone knows it. Iwanteveryone to know it. You are a wonderful man. You are so giving to your supporters and the people in your life. You’re caring, generous, and talented. Worthy in every way. I’m lucky to have met you.You helped me gain the confidence to be the person I was always supposed to be.”
Stay calm. Keep going.I took a breath. “Neither one of us is perfect, but love isn’t about worthiness or who is the better person. It’s about being right for each other. We’re different in so many ways, but it feels right when we’re together. I don’t know if you still want me, and I don’t blame you if this is over for you, but I want to fight for you. So here I am, embarrassing myself in front of everyone I know, because you are worthy of that and more.”
I shut my mouth. My trembling words hung in the air. A stark, suffocating silence rushed in. A silence so loud, it wanted to drown me. Someone gave an awkward cough. My heart sank to the floor.Oh no. I’d got it wrong. He wasn’t going to say anything.
Kieran hesitated for a moment, frowned, and cut his way forward through the crowd. My gathered teammates separated to let him through. He planted himself in front of me. His eyes locked with mine, and a rush of nerves overwhelmed me.
“I’m sorry if I’m embarrassing you—”
