Page 85 of Playing for Possession
“I’ve apologized. I said I’d do anything to make it better. I’d get down on my knees and beg Joanie if I thought it would make a difference. I’ve never seen that look on her face before. It was so final. I don’t know how I’m supposed to win her back if she won’t speak to me. I know I did wrong. I should have been honest, but I had so much to lose.”
“Give her time, and be honest with her.” He shot me a meaningful look. “Be totally honest, Kieran. Everything. You were trying to protect me. I appreciate it.”
“It won’t work. I don’t even think she wants me to fight for her.”
“Maybe she needs to fight for you.”
I snorted.
He raised an eyebrow. “I’m serious. Why not?”
“I’m the one who fucked this up.”
“You’ve fucked up, but you’ve owned it, and apologized. You’re willing to do the work to put it right. Her dad put you in a horrible situation. She could at least give you a chance to explain yourself, and try to understand.”
Maybe Jack was right. Maybe not. All I knew is that I’d had that for a short time, life had been beautiful, and now everything was shit again. She’d pushed me away. I understood why. Despite Jack’s reassurances, everyone knew the truth. Joanie deserved better than a man like me.
Chapter 38
Joanie
“How are you feeling?”
Skylar threw an arm around my shoulder, and it was the only warmth I’d felt since coming home. It was supposed to be summer, but the sun was so sparse you’d miss it if you blinked. I longed for the ever-present Menorcan sun and the feeling of heat on the back of my neck.
The team warmed up on the pitch before practice. My heart hammered an erratic rhythm. Physically, there was no reason I shouldn’t be here. The physios had signed me off as fit to rejoin practice. Mentally, I felt a million miles away from ready.
Skylar waved a hand up and down in front of my face and chuckled. “Earth to Joanie. Are you OK?”
I wanted to be positive. I wanted to be ready. But all I could feel was this tight resistance inside. “Yeah, I’m OK. This is a bit... tough.”
The words hung between us thickly.
She flashed me a sympathetic smile. “Which parts are you worried about?”
That I’m not ready. That I’ll never be ready. That my heart is too broken to focus on any of this.“All of it.”
Her eyes filled with concern. My captain was always kind and patient. It was why it was so much easier to tell her this than Claire.
Skylar took me by the arm and led me to sit on the bench. “Listen, if you’re not ready then you’re not ready. The physios can reassess you.”
“It’s not that. My knee is ready. It’s the rest of me that’s the problem.”
She chewed her lip. I could barely look her in the eye. I dropped my gaze to my boots.
Skylar’s voice was infinitely gentle. “You’re doing great. We are all so glad to have you back. It will take time. You go at your own pace—”
“No. You don’t understand. I can’t do it. I don’t know if I’ll be back to the old me. Maybe I’m just... done.”
I wanted to snatch the words back, but now they hung between us in the air. After everything these past nine months. Every day that I’d pushed myself had been for this moment to get stuck back in again. What the heck was holding me back? Why couldn’t I just get on the pitch and get on with it? Maybe the whispering I heard sometimes was right. Maybe I was just a spoiled nepo-baby. I’d had everything handed to me, and now I had to face a challenge and I couldn’t. I’d always been determined to stand on my own two feet, but what if I didn’t have the backbone?
Skylar studied my face. “Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you? That any of us can do?”
I pasted on a smile. “You’ve done so much. I just need to stay... positive.”
She returned my smile, but she didn’t look convinced. Nothing could make this easier. My heart was broken and my head was a mess. Ironically, my healed knee was the only part of me in goodshape. I’d seen Kieran on the front page of the newspaper. It had thrown me for a loop again just when I’d stopped crying. I couldn’t read the whole story, but I caught the gist. He’d spent the night in a prison cell after a fight with Sean. That explained why his face had looked like such a mess.
I’d had call after call from him until I blocked his number. Life would be easier if I had nothing more to do with Kieran Earnshaw. It could never have worked between us. He’d treated me like an idiot, and then he’d got dragged away by police. He couldn’t be bothered to get to my dad’s fake funeral on time because he’d been too busy beating up his team captain. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My whole body ached with the loss of him, but it was for the best. Now it was time to move on.
