Page 87 of Playing for Possession
“It helped me express myself, I guess. I’m not good with my feelings. Sometimes, I don’t even know what they are. I’ve got so used to not speaking up about things.”
I took a breath. Strange to be so open with Dad, but I couldn’t shake this sinking feeling since I’d blocked Kieran on my phone. Dad would tell me to be more positive. If I ever tried to say anything vaguely uncomfortable, that’s how it always ended. But now everything felt so raw, like I didn’t have much left to lose by being honest. What did it matter now?
“When you said I’m percussion, it hurt me. I don’t like that you see me as this boring kid ticking along in the background. If I am percussion, it’s because I’ve spent so much time trying to blend in.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Why would anyone want to blend in?”
Despite the heaviness in my chest, I had to smother my smile at his look of confusion.
“Because it’s easier. Because everybody has their assumptions about Mortimer Fox’s kids. Ollie owns it. It doesn’t bother him. But I don’t want to come off as spoiled, or entitled, or difficult. It means I’m always second-guessing myself.”
Dad softened his voice. “I see.”
Silence echoed around the car.
“I didn’t mean that you’re percussion in a bad way, love. I meant that you’re a drum. You’re determined and steady. I’ve watched you come back from the injury and I couldn’t be more proud. The drummer is the most important person in the band. There is no music without a rhythm. You’re the heartbeat of the family. It all hinges on you. Everything, darling. Nothing works without you.”
Tears pressed behind my eyes. “I don’t feel determined and steady. I miss Kieran, but he hurt me. It made me feel like an idiot that he lied to me. He should have just told me that you’d spoken to him. If Kieran wasn’t telling me the truth about that, how can I trust any of what went on between us?”
“I got it wrong with Kieran. This was my fault, love. It wasn’t some big conspiracy between us. I put pressure on him that I shouldn’t have done. This was me.”
I gulped hard to hold the urge to cry at bay. “I wish there was a way for things to go back to how they were. I don’t know how to fix any of it.”
He studied my face for a long time. “I’m not an authority on relationships. I’ve been married six times, I can’t give you any advice about how to fix things with Kieran. But I know a thing or two about dealing with people’s assumptions.”
I sighed. “I know what you’re going to say. I need to stay positive. That’s what you always say.”
“No.” He frowned. “I focus on the positive because it was a way of coping when I was young. The only way to move forward was to think of better things to come. But I didn’t mean to make you feel like there’s no room for anything else.
“You know all those things you don’t want to be? You’re allowed to be them sometimes. If you need to speak up for yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re demanding, or entitled, or a problem. You get to take up space in this world.” He bowed his head and hisshoulders slumped. “I’m sorry if I’ve taken up so much of it, it made you feel like you couldn’t.”
“You don’t have to apologize. You’re a star. People want to be in your orbit. I don’t want anyone in mine. I don’t want people to judge me or talk about me.”
“You can’t control how others view you. Focus on the people in your life who have your best interests at heart. Those are the only opinions worth listening to.”
A knot pulled tight in my stomach. It had felt like Kieran had my best interests at heart. He’d taken me seriously, cared about me, and protected me. Now it was tainted by lies. I missed him so much. We’d had so much fun together and, with him, I didn’t feel like percussion. I felt like I was OK exactly as I was.
Dad patted my knee. “Get through this match tomorrow, then talk to him. Give him a chance to explain himself, and when it’s your time to talk, be brave. Be honest about how you feel. But just let me know if he steps out of line.”
So you can interfere again?I flashed him a severe look.
His eyes widened in alarm, and he held up his hands in mock surrender. “And I won’t interfere in any way other than to offer copious amounts of ice cream.”
I snorted. “Perfect. Thanks, Dad.”
Chapter 39
Kieran
I took a breath and pushed open the door to Rob’s office. I’d been dreading this ever since I got the text this morning. The minute I’d punched Sean, I’d triggered a public relations crisis. If Rob thought a few late nights of partying was a problem, then he hadn’t reckoned with all-out war between his players and a night in a police cell.
I stepped inside Rob’s office to find he wasn’t alone. Ollie Fox sat opposite my manager and Mortimer Fox hovered at the window. What the fuck was Mortimer doing here? Had he come to gloat at my downfall?
Rob flashed me an unimpressed glance. “Sit down, Kieran.”
I cringed to hear him use my first name. That hadn’t happened since he signed me. I took a seat next to Ollie, who flashed me a kind smile. I gave him a nod. Jack had opened up about Ollie this morning. I’d suspected Ollie was encouraging Jack in the partying, but actually Jack had grumbled that Ollie wanted more quiet nights in. Maybe Ollie was a good influence on Jack the way Joanie had been good for me.
Mortimer glanced at me and returned his gaze to the training pitches. Rob pushed a newspaper across the desk toward me. Mypale, bloodied face as police officers dragged me out of Mortimer’s mansion stared at me from the front page.
