Page 41 of Between Then and Now
We stay like that for a moment, frozen in the awkwardness of the situation. Her forehead against my lips, her hands still on the back of my neck, and my heart pounding so loudly I’m sure she can hear it. I can feel the heat radiating from her skin, her quick little breaths. I can’t help but wonder if she feels as disoriented as I do.
Bon slowly pulls back, her hands slipping from my neck and falling to her sides. She looks up at me, her cheeks flushed.
I step back slightly, giving us both space to breathe. My heart is still pounding, and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s feeling something too. She’s searching my face, probably trying to read my thoughts just as I’m trying to read hers.
“That was great. You were great. No problems there,” she says each word so fast I barely understand them.
I nod, swallowing hard, trying to find the right words. “Yeah, uh, thanks. You too.”
She laughs, a shaky, nervous sound that only adds to the tension. “Well, now that we’ve got that out of the way, you should be all set for your next date.” She pats my arm in awkward reassurance.
Are we just going to ignore the fact that we made out?
“Yeah,” I agree, though my mind is still reeling from what just happened. “All set.”
She steps back further, putting a bit more space between us, and I can’t help but feel a pang of loss from the distance. Her eyes flick to the laptop, still paused on the horror movie, and she seizes the distraction like a lifeline.
“Right, the movie,” she says, a bit too brightly. “Let’s get back to it.” She makes her way back to the bed and plays the movie. It’s supposed to be a scary movie meant to distract me, but nothing is scarier than the thoughts going through my head right now.
We sit back down, a few inches of space between us that feels like miles. The movie resumes, but I can’t focus. And I’m sure she can’t either. I can’t be the only one thinking about that kiss, the way her lips felt against mine, the way she pulled me closer. It’s like a tape on loop, replaying over and over in my mind.
I glance at Bon out of the corner of my eye. She's staring intently at the screen, but her fidgeting fingers betray her. I wonder what she's thinking, if she’s as thrown off balance as I am.
“Bonbon,” I say quietly, not sure what I’m going to follow it up with. All I know is I need to see those eyes again. She turnsto look at me, and for a second, the room falls away. It’s just us, suspended in this strange, charged moment.
“Yeah?” she responds, her voice softer now, the bravado from earlier gone.
“Thank you,” I say, the words feeling inadequate but necessary.
She waves off her hand dismissively. “Don’t mention it.” She smiles warmly, then adds, “You know what they say, real friends let friends kiss them for practice.” She chuckles as she returns her attention to the screen.
“Right,” I chuckle in return, but inside, I’m spiraling. Friends don’t kiss like that. Friends don’t make your heart race and your mind spin. Friends don’t make you second-guess everything you believe in.
As I sink back into the movie, I try to clear my mind. It’s a futile effort because having Bon inches away from me is bringing my mind to a place it shouldn’t be—a place of complicated feelings and emotions that I’m more comfortable suppressing. To be honest, I deserve this. I’m the one who chose to ruin our perfect set-up because I was selfish and I was momentarily attracted to my friend. I can’t believe I did that. Me. I usually take three business days to decide on a meal plan, but apparently, it only takes me three seconds to decide I want to kiss Bonbon.
I run my hand through my hair and glance at her. She doesn’t squeal at the jump-scare, which means her thoughts are also not on the film. This movie is not proving to be a very good distraction tonight. I would give anything to jump into her brain and remove the chaos I planted there.
Before she can sense that I’m staring at her, I put my attention back to the film. At this point, it’s background noise.
For a moment, I realize that I may have messed things up. I feel like I’ve disrupted a delicate equilibrium, and now I’m grappling with the consequences of my actions. By kissing her, I crossed the line I tried so hard to maintain. And another thing I realize is that I don’t think I regret it.
My arm aches, a numbing sensation creeping through it, and my back feels like I’ve been lifting weights for hours. Disoriented, I struggle to piece together what happened. As I squint, expecting to see the ceiling, I’m instead greeted by the sight of a wall. I must have fallen asleep with my head propped up awkwardly. Then confusion sets in as I realize that this wall isn’t on my side of the room.
As my brain slowly catches up, I become more aware of my surroundings. The soft morning light filters through the curtains, gently illuminating the room. I look to my right and see that Bon’s head is resting on my shoulder, near my chest. She’s still sleeping. I guess we fell asleep watching her supposedly scary movie. I try to move my arm, but the numbness makes it feel like it’s weighed down by bricks. Every slight shift sends pins and needles shooting through it, but I don’t want to wake her. The calm rise and fall of her breath against me is strangely comforting.
Memories from last night start to trickle back. The kiss. The confusion. The tension. Shit.
Gently, I manage to extricate myself from Bon without waking her. I stand beside her bed, staring at her peaceful face. Before I even think, I snap a photo of her sleeping soundly, her tangled hair framing her serene expression.
A flood of emotions hits me as I look at the picture. Despite the chaos of last night, there’s something incrediblycalming about this moment. I tuck my phone away and quietly head to the bathroom to take a shower.
When I’m done, Bon is propped up on the bed, still looking groggy. “Morning,” she says with a sleepy smile. “I can’t believe we fell asleep during a horror film. How horrible is this movie?” She chuckles as she redoes her tiny ponytail so it’s back to sprouting on top of her head. With a sigh, she takes her laptop to the table and proceeds to make her bed.
As she works, she starts rambling about a dream she had where she was being chased by a giant creature with Shrek’s face on a dragon’s body. The absurdity of her dream makes me laugh, and it’s clear she wants to return to normalcy. If she feels any awkwardness about last night, she’s not showing it. She’s talking to me like she has for years, with no trace of hesitation.
“Shrek on a dragon’s body, huh? That’s a new one,” I say, grinning as I towel off my hair. “And maybe we need to watch better movies.”
Bon laughs, shaking her head. “Or maybe I need to lay off the late-night snacks.” Or maybe, I think, we should not kiss our friends and cause a frenzy in all different ways.
